This is now the… fourth attempt at writing something that I’ve done today. The first I removed for reasons I’ll get into son and the other two I stopped due to losing the time early on by accidentally resetting. Now this is the fourth and so four will be the lucky number (I hope).

So the first thing I removed as it was pretty weighty in ways. It was about giving up and wondering if I’ll be stuck in call centres for the rest of my life. It’s easy to say to someone to keep on searching, even if they’ve been searching for almost three years, but it often ignores the struggle.

Just for the record, I’ve my resume in a few different formats. Same with cover letters.

Anyway, sometimes that’s the way it goes and I’m tired. Need money, etc. At this stage I’m thinking I’ll just go to another job and make more money for less responsibility and just coast for a while because I’m done. I don’t want to give up but it’s getting harder not to, and that’s okay. It’s fine to give up because continually throwing myself at something and getting either no response or rejections, I’m really over it and I want to get back to living my life. Photography work is picking up steam but it’s slow and I need to start doing stuff now. I can’t keep on holding off for what may happen.

Now I don’t know as to what else I can write. I feel like shit and it’ll pass but I’ll still be wondering as to if I’ll have any money remaining before the next paycheck. I’ll keep on struggling and I’ll keep on hoping and little in the interim will change. I’ll also keep on doing but between an idea of success and now there is a lot more shit to get through and it’s just tiring.

Please hold off on the well-wishing. I get it, but it doesn’t help resolve the issues at hand. What I need is help.

So… yeah. That’s all I had to say, really. I wonder if perhaps tomorrow will be a different day and suddenly I’ll see all this success approach at a rapid pace. I wonder if there will be anything else that happens that will have things change around. I try not to wonder too much though as that doesn’t solve much of anything. Just keep on doing. Keep on trudging along and pushing and trying to get to the end of it all in order to see what lies beyond.

Perhaps it really is all this and I’m bound to stay where I am and I need to make peace with that. I don’t want to give up and I don’t want to make peace with the idea of going nowhere, but it becomes easier to do so over time. I want to keep on pushing on and I probably will, but the heaviness of doing so keeps growing.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 09:20:72

Not a great writing. Had to get it off my chest. Probably more productive ways, but you know.

Written at home.