Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1586: More Downbeat Rambling

Posted on March 26, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

I’ve been sitting here trying to work out what words I want to put forward. I’m at work far too early once more, and I’m sitting here, zoning out, trying to think of the right words to write. I don’t know what they are. I don’t know how to go about finding them. I’m here, I’m trying to work out whether I end my new relationship, and my company is the occasional cleaning robot that comes around and cleans.

There is the sound of human presence here and there, but mostly I am alone in this big space. The robot changes that when it shows up, but when it leaves, its presence remains in a liquid trail. I’m assuming it is water.

So, how’s your day going?

Mine is yet to start. Or it has, but I’m pretending it is yet to start. I’m thinking about the things I have in life and the debts that I carry. I’m thinking about a lot of things and a lot of things aren’t thinking about me. They’re my thoughts, after all. How could my thoughts be thinking about me?

There are some mornings when things seem to work and things don’t seem to work. Right now I’m trying to work out where I lie in the scheme of my life, and if I really am an asshole, or if I’m doing things incorrectly, or what could be wrong with me. I’ve gone over conversations to work out if I am rude or mean, and I’m not sure if I am or am not, and this is all stuff that I need to consider, but don’t know if I really should.

I’m feeling sore and sorry for myself, and it just hurts. I’ve spent so much of my life being told that I’m rude or mean or blunt or abrasive in some way, but I’m never told what it is that I’m doing or saying that is hurtful. There are things that I’ve recognised on my own as being harsh in some way and I’ve worked on those, but it’s often not that that I’m being told is the issue, but then I’m not told the issue other than in some general, vague way. This should seem like the kind of thing to dismiss, then, because if they aren’t telling me, there isn’t issue, or something. However, there clearly is an issue, but I’m working with people who won’t tell me what it is.

It’s infuriating and distressing. I believe in clear and open communication, and I believe in not being an asshole. I think it’s important to be open and honest, and do one’s best to be kind about it. I also believe that it’s best to deal with issues as they arise. Instead of that happening, I get blanket vagueness about what’s wrong with me.

I’m really tired, at the end of it all. I’m really tired and worn out, and I just want people to understand that I need clarity.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 09:34:08

Slow, and this is a bit of a mess in places. I don’t want to be writing like this, especially so close to the end. I think later on today, I’ll hopefully have something less heavy.

Written at work.

 

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1585: Heavy Days

Posted on March 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

Heavy days. Days that weigh you down. Very easy to spend life living them and little else. It’s tough out there. It’s tough in here. It’s tough everywhere.

I’m feeling drained and empty, and riding a crash out. Riding it out, hoping it doesn’t get worse. Waiting to pull up, to reorient and get back on with living. Just tired, worn out. Emotionally flat.

I looked in a mirror and saw misery staring back. Sorrow, dejection, etc. A few weeks ago I was happy, or at least close to feeling happy. I don’t know what I was feeling, but I know that, right now, I’m not feeling it.

Things come and go. Emotions change, people get old. Thoughts change. How I was thinking fourteen years ago is different to how I’m thinking now. Everything takes energy and energy needs to be maintained. But the lows, they hit so hard and they don’t even necessarily hit suddenly, either.

I feel like I’m just zoning out and screaming, in a manner of speaking. I feel like everything is twisting inward and I’m pointing at myself, and I’m looking across an empty space. An open, empty space that stretches on featureless, plain and placid. It offers nothing and is as much a void as it is not, and it’s dark and quiet, and cold. Stars hang above and eventually some features reveal themselves, hard and rocky, geological structures that know more about the name of the wind than any human ever will.

And somewhere I am there, or at least a figure of myself, and it’s standing there, suddenly, near me. Standing and staring and looking at me, or rather, through me.

I feel lost and confused, and I’m tired and distressed and winding down. Crashing out. Riding it, but I have questions. I wonder if I am actually a person who is trying to be better, or if I’ve just been really good at convincing myself that I am good. Maybe I am a shitty person and there’s no dodging it anymore.

There’s so much expectation to be a certain way and it’s burning me out, and I just don’t want to interact anymore. I want to lock myself away, and this facsimile of me in this space keeps staring through me, looking at what holds me together and why I am the way I am. It takes me in deep and sees what is there, and I wonder, because it does little else other than stare. It continues to stare and I feel beholden, almost. I feel I’ve little choice in the matter, but I look around. I try to work out where the truth lies, but I can’t. Not right now. I’m empty and hurting and feeling sorry for myself, and I just need to be held. Or rather, I want to be held and I can’t, and that’s okay.

And so I look to the figure, and I walk past into this expanse, and I hope for some reprieve.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:05:44

Sometimes I wonder if it is a good time to write, and perhaps I should hold back more often than I do. This bit of writing makes me wonder as to if I should be comfortable with publishing myself.

Written at work.

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One Thousand Word Challenge 263: Overwhelmed Rambling

Posted on March 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

Thinking about how the day is progressing, and if it is progressing at all. Been in a bit of a state of distress since yesterday. Just totally overwhelmed. I’m kicking on, however. Trying to look forward to tomorrow. Trying to get out from underneath it all, and I am getting there. I’m getting out, and I am continuing on.

There are times where I wonder if people understand that they treat my like an emotional punching bag. Or rather, if they understand that I feel they treat me like an emotional punching bag, because that’s how I feel. I listen and listen and listen, and when I get to a point where I cannot take something and say that something is a lot, it turns into an argument. And I know, this could be a problem with me. It could very well be, in not setting boundaries and allowing myself to be there for everyone. But it also happens time and again, where I will set a line at some point when I need space, and then it turns back on me in some way.

I’m not trying to say that it happens maliciously or vindictively, and that does sound far more aggressive than it actually is. Rather, it happens when things turn. Maybe an argument then starts because I was then seen as blunt or harsh and then I’m spending a lot of time explaining what I felt the issue was or was not, and that something was too much at a particular moment. And on it goes, and the people disappear. I’m then the problem.

There are people who have told me some pretty fucked up things. There are people who have told me things that could be considered slander and lead to them not being able to work in their field again. These people aren’t in my life anymore. They were willing to tell me some nasty stuff about others, but they wouldn’t tell me when they found issue with me, and that hurts. It hurts because I keep asking people to, no matter what, tell me if something is wrong.

People seem to think that everyone should just know something. That everyone should be perfect, and then they don’t put the effort into the relationship. They claim they do. They claim that they keep coming through instead of giving up, but part of work is communication, and not communicating like an asshole. Not saying shitty things and then deciding that, because someone gets upset about the shitty things, they can’t say anything anymore. The process there is to speak to the person, find out what about it is upsetting them, find a better way forward, because that’s what good communication is about. It is about being accountable, and working toward a solution that you and the hurt person can agree upon.

Another part of good communication is not offloading heavy stuff upon them without them being either ready or able to hear it. And sometimes people will keep doing this. They will keep offloading, despite being advised of its heaviness, and then when it comes to it, when someone sets a barrier, it ends up becoming an issue. And this is not a good way to communicate.

I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I’m a punching bag. I don’t have the time for this anymore. I don’t have the time to keep dealing with people just doing this. People need to vent. They need care, they need community. They need to also work on themselves, and I get that things get heavy at times. Things get overwhelming, but you still need to do what you can for yourself.

People are more often than not willing to hear someone out. People care. But you can’t expect someone to be fine with being told of really heavy stuff time and again without it becoming distressing. You can’t expect someone to be fine with coming to help you where they can, only for you to disappear when they are going through shit. It’s not cool. It’s not friendly. Friends aren’t there to serve you.

So I’m sitting here and I’m trying to enjoy what remains of my lunch, but I’m just so burned out. I’m fried and I’m coming down from tension and distress, and it’s taking time. I need to relax and breathe, and I’m trying, but it’s hard. It’s tough. But I’m trying.

What else can I say? I think quite a few people see themselves as empathetic when they actually aren’t. I think quite a few people aren’t willing to admit that they don’t actually care about those around them, but rather how they are perceived. They don’t understand that other people are actually alive and conscious, and have their own lives. They might say something like “They don’t have to listen if they don’t feel like it” or something along those lines, and sure, people don’t, but there are people who do care. There are people out there who want to make sure others are okay and want to listen. It shouldn’t be one way.

If someone who you’ve offloaded to is going through a tough time, don’t abandon them. Don’t also offload onto them without making sure you’re working on yourself and they’re ready to listen. Think about how you put things forward. Think about what you’re expressing and how you’re expressing it. Learn and grow.

If you have a friend who is saying stuff that’s concerning to you, speak to them about it. Maybe they aren’t aware of what their saying being concerning. Maybe they aren’t aware of hurt they may be causing. You can’t expect people to just grow and be the best person ever all the time. It’s a ridiculous way to view things.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say in this rant. I’m hurting and tired, and I’m over feeling a certain way. I’ve life to deal with, and I’m trying as much as anyone else.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 18:32:11

Slower than I hoped. I was trying to be careful with my words on this one as it felt overwhelming to write. It’s probably putting out far more negative energy than I’d like.

Written at work.

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Hitoshi Sakimoto: Reunion

Posted on March 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

This one I found to be tough. I was thinking I’d get more to write from the song, but I struggled throughout the whole thing. I think that comes through quite a bit in what I wrote, and perhaps this would’ve not been so much the case if I’d gone for multiple listens.

Hitoshi Sakimoto’s (崎元 仁) “Reunion” (“再会のとき”) is from Breath of Fire V: Dragon Quarter‘s soundtrack, Breath Of Fire V – Dragon Quarter: Original Soundtrack. The soundtrack was also released as part of Breath of Fire Original Soundtrack Special Box a soundtrack collection of the soundtracks for Breath of Fire I through to V.

I hope you enjoy.

—

Slow keys, slow moving. Floating in and things seem to be clearing. Gaining clarity, and it’s a relief of sorts. It’s a relief and it plays out with some joy. The keys flow on with space and that space gradually fills as emotion swells. Strings rise and fall, expanding upon the keys, and then everything comes back to the start.

This is gentle and heavy at the same time. It comes with reassurance and reaffirmation, and clarity from being clouded. Everything continues steady, keeping minimal and maximising on that minimalism. This is not a time for energy and frantic action, but rather compassion and tenderness, reaffirming action, deciding action, and continuing on as the sounds fade and the song ends.

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Hitoshi Sakimoto: Industrial Sector

Posted on March 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

This one was a bit of a struggle. Somewhere through the listen I started thinking about an industrial area and how it would operate, and some of that came into the writing.

Hitoshi Sakimoto’s (崎元 仁) “Industrial Sector” (“最下層区街”) is from Breath of Fire V: Dragon Quarter‘s soundtrack, Breath Of Fire V – Dragon Quarter: Original Soundtrack. The soundtrack was also released as part of Breath of Fire Original Soundtrack Special Box a soundtrack collection of the soundtracks for Breath of Fire I through to V.

I hope you enjoy.

—

Quiet sounds, tentative sounds. Light pulsing, shimmering, a steady percussion. It builds up, soft, repetitive, and strings move in and around this space and state. Then a shift and there’s a harder sound.

This harder sound carries melody in a structured and orderly fashion. It seems refined, trimmed, efficient, and cold. And it reaches a point where there’s a striking and a rise. A pounding that soon disappears, then comes back and the sounds keep rising with perhaps some danger in them, until everything returns to the start.

It’s a sort of quiet. Not an innocence; a quiet. A quiet that builds. Activity building up, processes and routines followed, then everything comes alive and more mechanical. Precise. Urging, pushing, moving through hardened, developed spaces. Spaces not thought about enough.

The danger returns, imminent, looming, rising, rising, tension rising, about to spill over, and then all returns to the start, fades out and the song ends.

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Walled Balcony

Posted on March 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

The balcony on part of the roof where I work. It’s a building of multiple levels, and this balcony is part of the roof of the floor beneath where I currently am.

I took this photo this morning, and I think it was the right time to do so, though I suspect it might’ve been better had I taken this around sunrise. Possibly first light. Anyway, I think it works with the slight dampness of the tiles, and how rigid most of everything looks.

I also like the tree in the distance being in the photo. It’s a tiny bit of organic structure and it seems so out of reach. So very distant. It’s almost as though it’s being kept out of reach.

This is my submission into Leanne Cole‘s “Monochrome Madness” for this week. Brian of Bushboy’s World hosts this one, and he has chosen the theme of “On the Roof”.

This challenge is open to all, and I recommend joining in. If want to, check out more information about it here, and include the tag “monochrome-madness” when you share your photo. If you’d prefer not to join in, then at the least check out Leanne’s photography, and what other people submit.

I hope you enjoy.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1584: The Search for Inspiration

Posted on March 24, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

I was going to write about how stressed I am right now. It has been an incredibly intense morning, full of unnecessary pressure, and none of it is related to work. It’s more heaviness for little reason, and I’m feeling more and more like an emotional punching bag, and I don’t know for much much longer I can do it. I don’t want to write about that, however.

What I do want to write about is the lack of knowing what to write about. I want to explore that and see where it goes. See where it leads. Sure, I’ve done that before. I’ve done that way too many times and that, too is unnecessary at this stage, but that’s what I want to write about. I want to write about that and write about being some sort of adventurous explorer who goes on adventures and explores in order to work out what to write. You know, the well of inspiration has been tapped, and so they feel that, in order to awake their restless spirit and write with the great poignancy they believe they are entitled to, they must explore and all of that stuff.

And so off exploring I’d go, and I’d look under and above water. I’d cross great oceans, visit cultures I am ignorant in the ways of, find myself lost and feeling lonely and isolated, and I’d wonder about all of this. I’d wonder about what it all means and how I am a part of it, but I’m not, and perhaps, eventually, I’d figure out that all I’m doing is running away. It wouldn’t quite be obvious at first, but gradually it keep creeping in.

How this would be happening is my lack of inspiration from what’s around me. It’d be what I’m seeing that is out there, and all this wonder which would carry with it a profound sense of overwhelming age and experience, and my increasing feelings of insignificance and appreciation, and none of it, whilst absolutely fantastic, would actually inspire me. None of it would fill my well. None would quell my dissatisfaction.

So eventually I’d realise, and I’d realise that on the way home, after giving up on all this work and effort that I’d put into trying to find a new source of inspiration, that it was all at home and I was looking for something that hadn’t run out, but rather I had not worked out how to keep making the most of it, and it took all of this journeying to work all of that out, and all this time and experience. It was all appreciated and it opened my eyes, but it did not cause me to stir and rise, and it didn’t lead to new frontiers in writing, and so I am left wondering what to write about, and how I keep digging into what was already there for me, waiting to be dug into.

Hard life and all that, this looking for inspiration stuff.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:06:86

Speed’s okay. Slowed down a bit, had to think about what I was writing and where it was going. Don’t think the result is great, but I do like the silliness.

Written at work.

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Hitoshi Sakimoto: EndSector Borough

Posted on March 24, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

One listen. Threw myself into it, knocked this out. Brief moment where I stumbled early on, but kept going.

The song made me think more about Dragon Quarter‘s themes than I have in a long time, and I think that’s a good thing. I do want to write about it eventually. Did a long time ago in a way that, whilst the intent was good, revealed a lot of the writing experience I lacked at the time. I’d like to make another attempt and dig further into what the game explores.

Hitoshi Sakimoto’s (崎元 仁) “EndSector Borough” (“最下層区街”) is from Breath of Fire V: Dragon Quarter‘s soundtrack, Breath Of Fire V – Dragon Quarter: Original Soundtrack. The soundtrack was also released as part of Breath of Fire Original Soundtrack Special Box a soundtrack collection of the soundtracks for Breath of Fire I through to V.

I hope you enjoy.

—

It’s a set of sad sounds wafting in. There’s a sort of acceptance for the lower lot in life, and it feels as though each day is an increasing struggle. Something shines above, and maybe it’s just a glimmer of hope. A longing for a tomorrow that will never be theirs. And so they eke out a meagre existence, and one that is slowly disappearing.

The days blend and what is desired is denied, and so living among the wreck, in the darkness, is the best that can be obtained. And the sounds weigh heavy, and little changes. It’s a low point and it’s one that is chosen on behalf of, and so surviving is the best that can be done as desire disappears when the sounds stop flowing, and the song ends.

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Hitoshi Sakimoto: Origin

Posted on March 24, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

One listen.

A lot of this came from where I remember the song being used. I have a slight suspicion that my memory is not accurate regarding this, but I’m not fussed. Anyway, the writing was heavily affected by my memory of where the song is used, and I’m not sure if I represented the song well, but I do like the result.

Hitoshi Sakimoto’s (崎元 仁) “Origin” (“オリジン”) is from Breath of Fire V: Dragon Quarter‘s soundtrack, Breath Of Fire V – Dragon Quarter: Original Soundtrack. The soundtrack was also released as part of Breath of Fire Original Soundtrack Special Box a soundtrack collection of the soundtracks for Breath of Fire I through to V.

I hope you enjoy.

—

Voices express a mystery and reverence. A sudden shock of seeing what is unknown, hidden away in a darkened murk. They tell of something spoken of in legend, only found to be real. Fable being history, and history found in the present.

The voices call and seek, and look to connect. What is new and not understood, perhaps difficult to fully comprehend, is now here, and seeks to change the order of things. It changes the trajectory of a life, and it raises questions that perhaps weren’t thought of before.

An unshakeable conviction begins to form in this reverent space, and purpose is given to follow. And in moving forward, the voices fade and the song ends.

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One Thousand Word Challenge 262: Boredom Rambling

Posted on March 23, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

Cold and warm at the same time. Almost no temperature. Room temperature. Feeling out the day in room temperature.

Feeling out where the writing will go in room temperature.

I’m about to have a rather heavy and intense week. A lot of writing. A lot more than usual. A lot of staring out windows. A lot of finding my way and waying my find, and right now it’s just about getting to the bottom of the writing and finding where the text lies. Confronting text and getting to the end of it all. Finding what lies ahead. A heading lies, what finds. And so on and so forth.

There’s a certain vapidity and subsequent emptiness I’m finding in the cycle of working and getting work done, and maybe I’m just feeling my age, or something. Maybe I’m yearning to break out of a cycle. It’s coming soon though, so I don’t know what I could be yearning for. I do know, however, that I will keep going after all is said and done. It’s all I have; the power to keep going, and it’s all I can embrace at the end of the day. Well, there are other things that I can embrace, but you know. Moody and pensive and reflective and all that.

The weather has not turned out as predicted, and that may be a good thing. Need it to hold for a few days, but right now I’m enjoying it. I’m enjoying seeing the clouds drift on over from the top of a building and pass through blinds that aren’t solid. These blinds make things slightly fuzzy, and that I find interesting. It’s still the same world out there, but some of the detail is lost. Some of it muffled and so it gains this slightly vague quality. Like watching old film footage that, whilst preserved as well as it can be, has undeniably aged. Is less sharp than it could be. It’s like that, but also, not quite. I don’t know how to put it into words, what it’s like exactly, but that’s a pretty decent approximation for a lazy attempt, I feel.

I’ve been asked if I’m fine for quiet periods, and I said I was, and I am. I have a lot of things I can do right now, and I’ll still have a lot of things I can do later. At least, if there is an expectation for me to entertain myself, I know that this is something that I can do. I know that I can take solace in my needing to entertain myself, and that’s a good thing. Maybe a bad thing, too, but it’s a good thing. Plenty of writing, not enough time, but there never is enough time.

And so the day continues on and the afternoon draws long. I’m just sitting here, trying to fill a quiet time. Trying to fill a silence and finding where the meaning lies. This silence is not one to embrace. It’s not a way of doing things. It’s time that’s quiet, and it draws itself out. It spreads and fills, and it increases my yearning to break out of a cycle. Or rather, it increases me wondering if this is what I want to be doing. If this is where I want to be.

I do want to be where I am. I do want to be doing what I want to be doing. I don’t know if I want to be here, specifically, though. I miss the brief work I’ve done in the arts, and it was certainly brief. Sure, I still do gig photography, but that’s a different form of work. That’s a different exploration, and if I could get paid to do that I’d be over the moon, but it’s not happening and so I just keep going. I keep powering on and ploughing on through, and I work at a place I want to work and I feel I am contributing. It’s just not fulfilling work, I guess. On one hand I’m fine with that; if I’m doing the things I want to do, I don’t mind. On the other, I’m feeling myself wanting to look elsewhere. Wanting to go elsewhere.

I guess I’m just dissatisfied with everything. Or not.

The days tick away, I’ve got some work but maybe not enough, and it keeps on going. But if I had more I’d probably be far to stressed to do much of anything. Then I’d be even more annoyed. Realistically, I think I might just be restless. Tired of sitting in one spot for long, you know, those sorts of things. The work is fine, but it’s not nourishing and little changes. It keeps going, I keep pushing forward, I feel myself desiring productivity and there’s not enough to be productive with, but that’s okay.

It is good that I can do just about what I want whilst it’s quiet. It is good that I can capitalise on this. I’m trying to take advantage of this as best I can. I just don’t know how long I can stick it out. But I try. There are people who have it far worse than I do, and I try to keep that in mind. This is not a bad spot to be in. In a way it feels like a reward for sticking out call centre work for as long as I did. As though the universe has said I’ve suffered enough. That’s okay. That’s fine. Brilliant, even. Great.

So what to say from here? I’m staring out a window, looking at a sanded back, smoothed outside area. I can see shadows and I can see clouds, and everything moves slowly and quickly, and little changes. It all keeps going. This is fine. This is okay. I just need to keep getting through the days the best that I can. Soon it’ll be time to head on home, and the days will continue onward. Everything will keep on going.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 15:07:25

A decent enough speed, but a really boring bit of writing. I’m glad it touches on boredom and dissatisfaction with work, though I probably could’ve said the same with fewer words.

Written at work.

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