Stupidity Hole

I have a bit of time and I’m trying to kill it. I’m trying to find the path forward. There’s a line of shade outside, and the sun cuts into where shade once was. Pushes it away. Removes it. Makes it shrink back to a different position. Moves it elsewhere.

It’s a still day. A dull day. One wants to stare out the window and wonder what else is out there, and I know what else is out there. I’ve been there. There is more to life than this. There is so much more.

I remember when I was still working in St Leonards, there were times when I’d look out the window. I’d look out on a day with minimal cloud cover, and things seemed different. Things seemed at a distance, and you could see Sydney CBD, both close and far away, and I’d stare out. I wondered if that was all my life would amount to. I wondered if I was going to be stuck in that job for the rest of my life. It was a tough time, even when things got better. Even when I was working toward a better tomorrow, because I’d been in call centres for too long by that point.

That was in 2014 and 2015 and that was during my dealing with the aftermath of getting dumped, and that ex I have to thank in a way. Had she not dumped me, I probably wouldn’t have gotten back into writing as hard as I did.

I’d look out the window there and into the distance, and I’d feel trapped. I’d feel stuck. I felt there was no escape and I couldn’t amount to much of anything, and those feelings kept me there, for as much as I wanted to get out, there wasn’t much a point. I was worthless and it wasn’t worth trying. That’s probably beyond the surface of what I felt, which was mainly hopelessness.

I said it a while ago, but I’ve had trouble with fitting into other places since St Leonards. I made some great friends there, with Ewe being one of them. I met some wonderful people, and it felt like a space full of outcasts, in a sense. And perhaps, in a way, we belonged to each other, because we were a good crew.

When redundancy came we scattered in the wind. We mostly went in different directions and lost contact with each other. Or rather, most of us did. Some of us remained in contact and still do. But otherwise a lot of communication stopped, which was for the best. Plenty of us only communicated because we worked with each other. We were a group that fit together only in the conditions of being in the office.

I remember watching storms roll across and through the area, and I remember the way they’d change the landscape. Things disappeared and the hopelessness would be met with a sense of isolation. In a way, it’s easy to feel isolated in a good few office spaces, and if there’s unnecessary pressure and toxic management, it can really come forward. But you survive and you keep on going, and you wake up on another day and you try to get through it all again.

I remember walking from the city home, and it was a decent walk. An easy thirty minutes, around that amount of time. I remember walking through crowds, and I remember walking to the city to catch either a bus or train, too. I’d sometimes be walking in the dark, and it was nice as there were few people around. I’d get to where I’d need to get to quickly enough.

I remember listening to Serious Beak and Killing Joke in 2015, and really enjoying the albums they put out in that year, though Serious Beak’s I enjoyed more. And I remember that, once I’d gotten past the stress of not having another job immediately lined up, feeling okay with things. I felt okay as it meant I could study full-time, and that was something I desired more than I did having another full-time job.

Steadily the day of redundancy was approached, and rules became a bit more lax in the office, and people were happy, and some weren’t. But I think, collectively, redundancy was something we all looked forward to. I know that, eventually, I did. It was just nice to know where we stood, and there certainly was a sense of relief in having it confirmed that it was coming when we did. We weren’t surprised as word had already gotten out.

I think of my leaving of that place, and maybe I reflect on that as my current contract is drawing to a close, and I’m wondering what lies beyond the windows. What else is out there. Those sorts of things. Thinking about when I’ll can stop worrying about hopping from contract to contract. Hoping I can stop worrying.

Obviously I was younger in 2015 than I am now. Things change. I’m tired. I haven’t had an experience like I did working in St Leonards since. I felt like I belonged. I don’t want to go back to that, however. Even if it was the greatest thing in the world, I wouldn’t want to go back. Working there was foundational to who I am now. It helped reinforce how I feel people should be treated. I went through a bad time there, and met some great people. I could write about some of the silly things that happened there, and maybe one day I will. Not today, however. Today I’m going to try and take it easy. There’s work here to do, and there are windows to stare out. This space is quiet, and it’s pleasant, and it’s also empty. It doesn’t feel like the future, and I will drift on to wherever comes next.

Here, when I look out windows, the views don’t leave me feeling trapped. Everything feels more pleasant. Everything is within my reach.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 19:12:48

Slower than I’d hoped. I started thinking quite a lot about what I was writing. I don’t think it shows, but it’s there.

Written at work.