Birthday Thoughts

Posted on February 26, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

It’s a quiet, calm day. It’s a slow day. Right now it is raining, and right now I kind of wish that I was back in Glebe, watching the rain fall from my living room, or watching it fall whilst walking around Blackwattle Bay. From the living room was always nice enough, or even from the balcony, really, but going to the bay and seeing water fall onto water… that was pretty pleasant to me. Nice, relaxing. Kind of dramatic, too.

My view is of the front yard, street and the oversized house across the road, and it doesn’t quite capture that feel that I desire right now. I do like that I can sit here and appreciate the rain whilst dry, don’t get me wrong. I like that I can sit here and write about it, too. I just miss place and scene, or rather, I miss it being within convenient reach. I don’t know if I’d go back and live in Glebe unless I could afford to without issue, and I’d only go back for the convenience it offers.

But I’m sitting here. I’m watching the rain. I’m hearing the rain. It has been a slow day and that’s good, I think. It’s what I needed… probably. Just taking it easy, doing very little. It has been nice. It’s also needed as I’ve stuff to take care of tomorrow and I need to be awake enough to do said stuff, so today being easy is good.

Today is my birthday, and it has left me reflective of the last twelve months more than I would have liked, but that’s the way these things go. I’m here, I’m alive and I’m still kicking. I’m in a new relationship with someone who is, so far, better than my recent ex, and I’m feeling tired and downbeat. Worn out and reflective, and drained. However, it hasn’t been a sad day.

Today I’ve received well-wishing from quit a lot of people, and it has been a bit surprising. I’ve also had people I haven’t spoken to in years reach out, and it’s left me feeling a bit emotional about the whole thing. I know people care about me and care about what I do. I know there are people who want to9 see me do well, but having so many people reach out… the last twelve months have mostly been tough. Just a real perseverance test, and I’m mostly fine.

Sometimes I still grieve, but it’s seldom for very long. But I did feel unlovable, even if I knew that wasn’t true. I did feel like I wasn’t someone people should care about. I was pretty down on myself. It was great that my friends had my back when I got dumped, because that helped me get through everything, but all it takes is one person to get in the way of that care fully sinking in. One person can do a lot of damage, even if unintentional.

The last twelve months were tough, and I’m glad that, even through it all, my friends cared about me. I’m glad that my friends still care about me. I’m glad that I’m in a loving relationship, too. And I’m glad I got through the last twelve months.

So my birthday today is a bit of a mix, but the people who care about me are in it, and for that I’m grateful.

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One Thousand Word Challenge 244: Eat the Roll

Posted on February 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

Alright, here we go. Third attempt. Going to try and get some real crap written now. Don’t know if I can, but still going to try. One should always try.

The music has been reset. I’m in a better position for writing. I think I can do this. I hope I can do this. I am doing it, but will I do it?

Oh no, the questions are creeping in again!

So anyway, I think I can do it and it is good exercise, really. Just getting all of these thoughts out and organising myself in a way that allows me to write quickly. That allows me to write rapidly. I am having some difficulty, but I can do it and I will do it, and maybe after it is all done, it will be done and therefore it will be… completed. For a few seconds, anyway.

But now I can look out the window and see sunlight, and my position is already relaxing and that is never a good thing. There are holes in the ceiling tiles and they are designed that way. They almost look like a net and I can see through them. I can see what lies beyond the net. It’s just the usual hidden stuff, and it’s not that interesting.

I’d prefer to be next to a window right now. Much better light and all that. Still, it’s not so bad here. This is an alright space to be in at the present moment, but it could be better. I could have won the lottery and therefore be doing my long and moody drive into wherever I will go.

I could also slide there, but the sweaty film has been removed and so I’d just hurt myself quite badly if I attempted that.

So anyway, I’m sitting here, doing my usual thing. Writing far more words than I should. Doing more writing than is necessary. There’s still a lot to churn out before it can be declared that there is nothing left to churn out. That’ll be not too far away, anyway. But I have a plan and writing utter crap is part of that plan, really. It’s all nonsense and it’s all moody nonsense, with a sprinkling of depression on your roll so you can eat the roll and as you eat the roll you can taste the depression and, therefore, feel sad, or something.

It’s all about the miserable factor, really. The more miserable, the more poignant. The more touching. The greater the crap, the greater the feelings. And it’s all about the cheap grab. Don’t go for the deep, stay in the shallow. You know, those sorts of things.

However, there might just be a spark of joy, too. There might just be something that reveals that it’s all worth it. All that suffering and all the other things people who are more often than not in a position where they don’t suffer as much as you tell you. But I do think the misery is worth it, sometimes, because it can help us learn things. I do think there are better way to learn things, however.

I don’t know. I just don’t feel right being happy all the time, so my view here is heavily skewed.

So the day continues and I keep on writing and I keep on racing the clock. I’m falling behind but I’m doing my time well, and there are only a few minutes before the end of the work day left. Only a few minutes, and I am one person writing far more than I should, but it’s worthwhile writing… I hope. I hope it’s worthwhile, if only because it is allowing me to keep on writing. It is allowing me to do the thing that I wanted to do. Or rather, I am allowing myself to do the think that I wanted to do. And so the day goes and I keep on racing and hoping. I keep on trying. You have to keep trying in life; it’s what helps you get to something at the end of it all, or something.

I’m running out of things to say. Can you tell?

Anyway, the day is nearly over. I am nearly at the end of it and soon I will go home and get stressed due to having to clean up after other people. I’m not looking forward to that, but I’ll get it done. I’ll survive. I always do. Not much else to do, really.

Guess I could succeed.

But right now I am sitting here, and I am appreciating the space. I am appreciating the time ticking away, and I’m appreciating being alive. It’s a good feeling. Who knows how long it will last. I’m not worried, though. I’ve got plenty of time to go through what I have to go through. I have places to be and people to see, and I have a desk to sit at that will allow me to sit in a position that I can only describe as “one of the positions one can sit in”, and that is a good thing. Or it’s not. This is yet to be determined. Or is it?

So anyway, there are only a few minutes left. I keep going. I keep writing away and I keep racing the clock, and I keep saying everything I’ve said before. It’s all cyclical, or a spiral, or something. But I can smell the minutes ticking away, and I just want to make sure I get out on time. I want to make sure that I taste that sweet, polluted air when I get outside, so then I can say “I don’t need to smoke.” I won’t say that, however, because that would be an utterly ridiculous thing to say in this situation, and I want to be as serious as I possibly can be, but I won’t. I won’t. I’ll step outside and I’ll be quiet. Probably suits me much better, or something.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 09:56:49

Happy to admit that this was not worth the time, nor effort. So many better things could’ve been written. Nothing would have been better to write.

Written at work.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1566: Pointless Writing

Posted on February 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

I was hoping to write much faster earlier, but that went out the window. I started thinking more about what I was writing and I’ve got this moody, underwater-type music playing and that all probably didn’t help. Gave me the feelings. Can’t do this with the feelings. Only makes things go bad, or something. So now I try to write a bit faster. Now is the time where I do the thing and the thing is more writing.

Ah, I’m gonna get moody again.

See, I can’t do this, sometimes. Sometimes I just want to write the most pointless crap anyone’s ever read, and instead I get all serious and heavy and downbeat, and that carries me through but it doesn’t make for fun. Who wants to read years and years of someone being miserable? Who really wants to read that? But I can’t be happy when I’m just listening to misery coming from my phone and into my ears. I can’t do that.

But maybe today is the day. Maybe today is the day where that all changes and I finally reveal myself to be the greatest best who ever didn’t. If that happens, I’d be over the moon. I’d be chuffed. I’d be so chuffed that no one could out-chuff me. Therefore, something something and so on and so forth.

I think my hands might be getting weaker at the moment. I think I’ve been losing too much sleep, and therefore need to bounce back by having too much sleep. I can engineer this, somehow. I can make it happen. The question, however, is: Will I bother to make this happen? Right now I’m stuck on trying to not be miserable, however, so I need to focus on that. I can focus on that by hurting my wrists even more than I already have.

I’m looking at this and I’m looking at the landscape I’m painting, and I can only wonder as to how far I must go before I can’t go any further. Perhaps there will be a day where I call it a day, and in knowing the name of the day I know the shape of it and, subsequently, how to proceed from here.

It’s not over there.

So it’s moody music and moody times, and I feel like I’m underwater, or experiencing life in a living room that has one of those underwater lights that always seem so cheap and tacky, even if a little wonderful. I feel like I’m meant to be on drugs and having a moment. Getting all deep for no reason. Don’t need drugs for that, though. I can get plenty deep sober, and dig far too deep doing so, too!

And so I am feeling it and now I’m starting to pull out of that, and I don’t know. It’s just another day in a chain of days. I know how to get through it, and the music is wearing off on me. Fine with being underwater still, though.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:31:90

Technically not pointless, but you get the idea. Also, slower than I’d hoped.

Written at work.

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One Thousand Word Challenge 243: Beyond the Windows

Posted on February 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

I have a bit of time and I’m trying to kill it. I’m trying to find the path forward. There’s a line of shade outside, and the sun cuts into where shade once was. Pushes it away. Removes it. Makes it shrink back to a different position. Moves it elsewhere.

It’s a still day. A dull day. One wants to stare out the window and wonder what else is out there, and I know what else is out there. I’ve been there. There is more to life than this. There is so much more.

I remember when I was still working in St Leonards, there were times when I’d look out the window. I’d look out on a day with minimal cloud cover, and things seemed different. Things seemed at a distance, and you could see Sydney CBD, both close and far away, and I’d stare out. I wondered if that was all my life would amount to. I wondered if I was going to be stuck in that job for the rest of my life. It was a tough time, even when things got better. Even when I was working toward a better tomorrow, because I’d been in call centres for too long by that point.

That was in 2014 and 2015 and that was during my dealing with the aftermath of getting dumped, and that ex I have to thank in a way. Had she not dumped me, I probably wouldn’t have gotten back into writing as hard as I did.

I’d look out the window there and into the distance, and I’d feel trapped. I’d feel stuck. I felt there was no escape and I couldn’t amount to much of anything, and those feelings kept me there, for as much as I wanted to get out, there wasn’t much a point. I was worthless and it wasn’t worth trying. That’s probably beyond the surface of what I felt, which was mainly hopelessness.

I said it a while ago, but I’ve had trouble with fitting into other places since St Leonards. I made some great friends there, with Ewe being one of them. I met some wonderful people, and it felt like a space full of outcasts, in a sense. And perhaps, in a way, we belonged to each other, because we were a good crew.

When redundancy came we scattered in the wind. We mostly went in different directions and lost contact with each other. Or rather, most of us did. Some of us remained in contact and still do. But otherwise a lot of communication stopped, which was for the best. Plenty of us only communicated because we worked with each other. We were a group that fit together only in the conditions of being in the office.

I remember watching storms roll across and through the area, and I remember the way they’d change the landscape. Things disappeared and the hopelessness would be met with a sense of isolation. In a way, it’s easy to feel isolated in a good few office spaces, and if there’s unnecessary pressure and toxic management, it can really come forward. But you survive and you keep on going, and you wake up on another day and you try to get through it all again.

I remember walking from the city home, and it was a decent walk. An easy thirty minutes, around that amount of time. I remember walking through crowds, and I remember walking to the city to catch either a bus or train, too. I’d sometimes be walking in the dark, and it was nice as there were few people around. I’d get to where I’d need to get to quickly enough.

I remember listening to Serious Beak and Killing Joke in 2015, and really enjoying the albums they put out in that year, though Serious Beak’s I enjoyed more. And I remember that, once I’d gotten past the stress of not having another job immediately lined up, feeling okay with things. I felt okay as it meant I could study full-time, and that was something I desired more than I did having another full-time job.

Steadily the day of redundancy was approached, and rules became a bit more lax in the office, and people were happy, and some weren’t. But I think, collectively, redundancy was something we all looked forward to. I know that, eventually, I did. It was just nice to know where we stood, and there certainly was a sense of relief in having it confirmed that it was coming when we did. We weren’t surprised as word had already gotten out.

I think of my leaving of that place, and maybe I reflect on that as my current contract is drawing to a close, and I’m wondering what lies beyond the windows. What else is out there. Those sorts of things. Thinking about when I’ll can stop worrying about hopping from contract to contract. Hoping I can stop worrying.

Obviously I was younger in 2015 than I am now. Things change. I’m tired. I haven’t had an experience like I did working in St Leonards since. I felt like I belonged. I don’t want to go back to that, however. Even if it was the greatest thing in the world, I wouldn’t want to go back. Working there was foundational to who I am now. It helped reinforce how I feel people should be treated. I went through a bad time there, and met some great people. I could write about some of the silly things that happened there, and maybe one day I will. Not today, however. Today I’m going to try and take it easy. There’s work here to do, and there are windows to stare out. This space is quiet, and it’s pleasant, and it’s also empty. It doesn’t feel like the future, and I will drift on to wherever comes next.

Here, when I look out windows, the views don’t leave me feeling trapped. Everything feels more pleasant. Everything is within my reach.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 19:12:48

Slower than I’d hoped. I started thinking quite a lot about what I was writing. I don’t think it shows, but it’s there.

Written at work.

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A Bright Light Surrounded by Night

Posted on February 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

This is the same utility pole as the one in this sunset photo. I wanted to get a photo of it with more of it visible. Didn’t work, but I got this minimal photo, which I quite like. Feels a bit vague and isolated.

This is my submission into Leanne Cole‘s “Monochrome Madness” for this week. She is hosting this one, and has chosen the theme of “Taken Within 10km (roughly 6 miles) From Home”.

This challenge is open to all, and I recommend joining in. If want to, check out more information about it here, and include the tag “monochrome-madness” when you share your photo. If you’d prefer not to join in, then at the least check out Leanne’s photography, and what other people submit.

I hope you enjoy.

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Toshifumi Hinata: Reflections

Posted on February 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

One listen.

With this one I started thinking about how the title of the song works with how it sounds, and I think that’s what came through most in what I was writing.

Toshifumi Hinata’s (日向敏文) “Reflections” is from Reality in Love.

I hope you enjoy.

—

There’s something morose in this. Something deeply serious, but there’s also fondness. Fondness in a waltz and a sway. A lot of things have happened and a lot of things are yet to come, but here is where life is. Now is where life is, and how did it get here? Were the right decisions made?

It’s easy to be sentimental and it’s easy to be wistful, and sometimes those are the guiding feelings that lead to looking further inward. To take stock of what was, and where the joys and sadness really lie. Sometimes these things take time, and sometimes the answers we thought were the right ones weren’t, and it’s only through rumination they can be found. And maybe they won’t be. Maybe they will be. Perhaps it is yet to be determined when the final note plays out and the song ends.

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stereo type: Slight Light in Darkness

Posted on February 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

One listen, and another one I’ve had queued up for a while. I forgot how the song sounded which was a great boon. I felt like I was trying to catch up for most of this; in a sense, little happens in the song, but a lot does, too. I think I captured glimpses of the song well. Could be a little more detailed, but I’m happy with the result.

stereo type’s “Slight Light in Darkness” is from Tokyo Blue.

I hope you enjoy.

—

These keys shine oddly. They seem to be cut and to fit, and they might not actually be keys, and they’re not at all. Bass and percussion come in, and there’s a buried voice in there. Buried in there somewhere, and everything is thick and murky. Everything seems warped in a way. Warped and a little melancholic.

That voice could be talking rapidly, and that’s how it sounds, and it keeps going, almost disregarding the rhythm, but it does eventually start pausing, and maybe it never was disregarding. Maybe it was playing with the rhythm and melody.

And everything keeps going, and percussion drops away, and shortly after the song ends.

 

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Nobuo Uematsu: Esto Gaza

Posted on February 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

One listen.

This one is rough. I was trying to work out what I could say instead of just writing, the reason being that I let my familiarity of the song take over too much. I spent time trying to work out how to describe architecture when this would’ve been best served by just letting go and writing freely, or just focusing on what the sounds were doing and little else, I think. At least, at the time I wrote this, that would’ve been best.

Nobuo Uematsu’s (植松 伸夫) “Esto Gaza” (“聖なる地　エスト・ガザ”) is also known as “Sacred Ground Esto Gaza”. It is from Final Fantasy IX: Original Soundtrack, the soundtrack for Final Fantasy IX.

I hope you enjoy.

—

A slow, still space forms. Preserved to put something forward; to hold reverence. And soon the slow motion starts. Simple sounds playing with space, keeping things relaxed, keeping things small. Humble, perhaps.

More sound comes in, creating detail, but the space remains. The stillness holds. These sounds move carefully and they slowly create an ornate space. They reveal details and movement, and then most disappear. Keys linger on their own, in this bright space, before everything loops back.

The sounds keep moving slowly. They move carefully, and they carry a small wonder within them, but there is something grander underneath it all. Something within a kind of worship and putting forward sacred preservation, but also the wonder of spectacle and how it creates that kind of reverence. Mythology.

And so it continues on as the sounds fade and the song ends.

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Currently My Own

Posted on February 25, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

It’s a nice, cool morning and I’m sitting outside of my work building, waiting a few minutes before I can swipe to get in. I’m sitting here without music playing and I’m listening to the traffic pass by. I’m listening to the space around me and I don’t have music playing for the first time in a long time.

Generally I prefer to write with music playing, but today I don’t feel like it. I don’t know why, but it’s fine. It’s nice, in a way. Change of pace and all that stuff. But I’m sitting here and I’m thinking of getting serious, though I don’t want to. I want to keep things lax and easy. I want to keep things all nice and pleasant, but being serious doesn’t mean getting heavy, really. It just means being serious.

Less than three weeks left on my current contract. It’s getting close and I’m not enjoying this, but I’m doing what I can, Just need to keep going. Need to keep surviving and doing my best to thrive during uncertain circumstances. It could be worse. Could be better, but could be worse.

There you go. I got heavy.

Anyway, that is looming over me, but I can still appreciate some things right now. Always can. Sure, there’s the noise of traffic but I am in this space that is mostly empty at the moment. Mostly, but not entirely. People are starting to appear and I’ve been able to hear people talking for the past fifteen minutes, maybe longer. But where I am sitting I am the only person. I am sitting where there are seats and tables and they sit on fake grass, and sunlight is touching them. Bright enough to see that they’re here, but not so much that shade is pushed away.

They feel still and unused, and right now they are. This area will be busier later. Right now it feels quiet, empty. Almost isolated. It feels almost like an area where one should not sit, and right now I am sitting in it and I am breaking the spell of stillness. I am creating ripples in the implied silence.

This area probably spends almost all of its time shaded to some extent. I don’t think there’s a spot here where the sun is visible. I could be wrong there, but I suspect it is the case. It’s nice right now as this space is currently my own. It’s no one else’s, but eventually it will be for other people, and that’ll also be nice.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1565: Slide Around

Posted on February 24, 2026 by Stupidity Hole

More sweating today. More losing weight through the p9ower of sweat. Coated in a film and now I’m gonna go sliding to wherever I please. That is what I’m gonna do and there are few who can stop me. Probably few who would want to stop me.

I will be like a fish and slide around all over the place. An incredibly slimy fish. The film on me is so thick that I’m surprised I can even sit on my chair. Just absolutely filthy and atrocious.

Oh sure, I could have a shower right now. I could cool down and take better care of myself, but why would I do that when I have the power of being able to just slide for ages? I could slide to the mountains right now and I wouldn’t stop until I got there. Then I’d watch the sunset… tomorrow, on account of taking a while to get there by sliding. It wouldn’t take that long, to be fair, but it still would be a good few hours and I’d need rest after. I’d miss the sunset now, too, or rather the sunset which is soon. Therefore, there would be a need for rest.

Could probably just sleep under the stars, really treat myself to an open sky and take it all in, feel on top of the world or something. You know.

So where would I go after that? I supposed I’d go further west, stop off at Ewe and Anna’s, see how they’re doing. Specify that they can’t hug me as I’ll end up sliding through their grip. Specify no showers either as I need to make sure my filthy film remains intact. Then I’d keep going west after a few days. Go west and go see what else lies out there, beyond.

I’d go far. I’d slide a long way, and I’d keep on going, hoping that the film remains intact. Would need enough warm days in a row for that to happen, of course, but it would happen… hopefully. The moment it starts raining, I’d be in trouble if there was no shelter around. Or would I?

The rain would wash away the film, and I’d be a bit screwed and I’d have to deal with that situation. It would be an incredibly long walk back home and I wouldn’t want to hitchhike. Ergo, shelter would be the best move.

Once the rain passed I’d continue on my journey further west. I’d slide under open skies and through the dark, where there are no lights. Where everything is night and the stars reign supreme, shining and providing awe and wonder, and it would be beautiful and wonderful, and everything would be great. Everything would be fantastic, and I’d keep sliding underneath that. I’d keep going and I’d go for as far as I could, and I’d wonder to myself if life was meant to be so small and grand in that particular moment. I’d wonder, and I’d feel so lucky.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:56:36

I am so horribly sweaty at the moment. Glad I was able to get this bit of writing from it, though.

Written at home.

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