Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1575: Stress Creeps In

Stress. Stress creeps in and rears its ugly head. I’m in this kitchen area on my own once more and it’s fine, but I’m dealing with drama at the same time, and I’m done. I just want out. Not work drama, thankfully, but a constant pressing down and trying to defuse people who are, quite clearly, overwhelmed with everything in their lives. And I’m handling it as best as I can, but it’s a new thing repeatedly and it just becomes too much, and I need a break. And sure, I can tell them that I need a break, but in this instance I can’t. I have to tread carefully.

But I’m done. I’m done and I want to escape from it all. I want to run. I want to pack my things and step outside and start walking. I want to walk through the city and all of its visiting people, walk through those crowds of people going somewhere and going nowhere, and walk to wherever. Walk through it all. Walk through the shadows and the shade and into the light where it marks the city. Across the road. And keep walking.

Eventually I’d stop and catch the train, probably, as I’d been walking in the wrong direction. I’d catch the train and go down south to a spot special to me, and I’d keep on walking. I’d keep on walking until I was too tired, and maybe I’d walk through the night to get to where I want to be. And I’d reach the water and I’d strip down and dive in, and be smashed by waves and really enjoy myself and relax and unwind, and just escape from it all. Just take it easy and relax. Those kinds of things. And it’d be good.

Maybe I’d disappear for a while. Become unreachable. Awesome stuff. Easy stuff. Just have myself and be as uncontactable as possible. Come back into people’s lives after a few years. That’d be great. That’d be nice. I’d like that. I probably need it to have time to myself and just breathe a bit, and I could go and see things and explore a while, and gain experiences that aren’t what I was looking for, but still something that I’d be getting. That’d be nice.

For now, I have to keep grinning and bearing it, and trying to help people manage their stress levels. I have to keep on going and have to get through it and hope for the best in some places, but it’s tough. It’s draining and it’s taking it all out of me. Keep on trying to persist, having difficulty. Don’t want to be cutting people out, but I have to say, the outside of it all looks pretty enticing at the moment. But people need help sometimes, and sometimes they need a lot. It’s always worth trying, but there can be a point where you need to step away for your own sake, and I might just have to.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:55:99

I wrote this feeling quite frazzled, and it was between twelve and one in the afternoon, so I was really feeling it at that point. A good bit of uncertainty and other things going on. I wanted to escape from everything. Still do.

Anyway, not the best writing I’ve done. Feel it’s a bit too stressed out.

Written at work.

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One Thousand Word Challenge 251: Circling the Circles

Alright so I’ve got time to kill, so once more I’m racing against the clock. I’m racing against myself and I’m hoping for the best and expecting the best. At least, this time, I am.

So anyway, there I was, where I am now, but I was there then. Now I am there now, but back then I also was, and therefore there is a continuation of narrative in the grand time of time. It’s all timed well, too, and so I have nothing to offer other than the questions that I have to ask. Well, I don’t have to ask them, but I do ask them anyway.

So there I was, asking questions that I always ask. I came to answers that I always do and in coming to those particular answers at that particular time. I came across something that was profound. I came to realisations. Now I come to the same ones and I realise that they aren’t profound in the slightest. However, they still meant something then and they still mean something now, and it is through the relativity of life lived and experience gained that makes it so, or something along those lines.

It’s all a bunch of nonsense, anyway.

So I wonder as to what to say now. What do you say when you have nothing to say? Where do you go? How do you do? I don’t know. It’s a deep and philosophical day today and I can only spout nonsense things. I have nothing. I am left with nothing. I have tended to my garden and I have harvested it for all that it’s worth, and now I must find somewhere else to go

I can look forever and I will look forever. However, the issue is that, really, I need to be looking internally. I need to see what is on the inside and not the outside. There are so many beautiful views out there, but they offer nothing if I cannot take them in in a way that is meaningful; in a way that actually does mean something and makes me look at what is inside. If I keep looking externally and I keep only looking externally, I won’t be seeing much of anything, really. I won’t be doing much of anything other than running away from that which I need to not run away from, but at least I’ll be getting a good deal of exercise. Getting exercise is good and healthy and all of those other things, and I do need a bit of it at the moment. Hopefully getting a fair bit this weekend, actually.

But anyway, I digress. I also regress in a way. I turn into a bit of a pool of primordial goo and people will step in it and they will express disgust, as is their right. If they don’t, then that too is also their right and, at the end of the day, who am I to tell them that they cannot do the thing that they’d usually do if they were not paying attention, or choosing to do, willingly?

I am one person and I don’t have the right that I have that I think I have. Wow. What a sentence. Anyway, I can only disintegrate further and further until there is nothing of me left. I will not be recognisable. I refuse to be recognisable. I refuse to be anything other than what I am, and the best I can do is be that and nothing else… or is it?

So anyway, I’m sitting here and I’m trying to do the thing. I’m trying to ask myself questions in a way that doesn’t actually lead to my Falling apart and regressing. I do not want to vibrate my atoms away from themselves so hard that I no longer retain the shape or form that I am so intimately associated with. Seems like a bad path to tread, if I am to be honest, and so I’d just rather not. I’d rather be whole. I’d rather be complete and functioning and getting on with the getting on.

I don’t even know what I’ve been writing so far, but I think I’m still going at a good pace, so I’m just gonna continue,

The thinking of the about of the self and what it all means does not mean much to me, even though it does. I have to try and pretend it does as, if I don’t, then who is to say? Who is, indeed? Therefore, I can only return under circumspect circumstances and the way in which I return will involve a way that involves circling the circles in a circular manner.

You know, really, I think I just like words a lot and I think I just like using them in irresponsible ways. I think that sometimes you should be more responsible than irresponsible, but I’ve an irrepressible urge to continually yell at nothing and then pretend that I’m not yelling at nothing. If I don’t do that, then what do I do from here? Where do I go from there? I don’t know. I have questions and there are no answers. I have answers and there are no questions.

And so, with all of this nonsense writing out of the way, I need to check as to how well I am doing against the clock. Not as well as I hoped, but better than I thought.

This might just be the last one of these that I do, to be honest. Probably won’t, but it might. I have so many other, more productive uses of my time and yours that I should do. I just wanted to see if I could still do this, and I think I can. That is, at least, a good thing. Sometimes you feel a bit past your prime, but I’m glad I can keep racing the clock. I’m glad I can beat it, even if it’s just chains of nonsense upon nonsense.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 09:53:61

I was going for speed with this one and I succeeded. It wasn’t worth the effort, but what is, is.

Written at work.

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A Poem About Rain and how it Changes Spaces

Alright, so this was written whilst I was looking at a surface near me whilst it was raining on Friday. The rain that fell on that surface pooled in an interesting way, and at least from where I was sitting, didn’t appear to overflow. It was falling onto a flat, small surface that was raised from the ground, and I found it interesting how the appearance of light changed on it, and so I wrote.

This isn’t great. It’s not even good. It captures a moment in a scribbled, rushed fashion, and the moment didn’t feel much like a quick one so I feel that what I wrote is at odd with what I saw. Oh well.

I hope you enjoy.

Restructuring surfaces, creating pools
Forming patterns in sound and detail
Blanketing the roads, blanketing the footpaths
Falling and working with light
Changing the spaces and rippling away
Fomenting rage and carrying calm
Turning calm from a violent fall

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One Thousand Word Challenge 250: Thoughts From a Rainy Friday Morning

What a day. And yes, I know I’ve been starting a lot of my recent writings with something about the day (probably a lot more than just the recent ones), but what a day.

Wake up. Get ready for work. Starts raining. Have to get to the bus stop quickly as leaving late. Get the right bus. Awesome.

Get to work, still raining. Raining more. Been sitting here for a few minutes and its dying down a bit, which is great. But it’s still raining enough to create an impact on the space. To change the atmosphere.

Other than that, last day on this contract. Been assured the new one is going ahead. Off to a different part of the university. Also, been a year since my last relationship ended, or at least somewhere around a year. Somewhere around there. And the rain falls, and it’s all sorts of dramatic and fitting and lazily poetic. Rain always falls at sad times, and maybe this is indeed a sad time. Who am I to say?

I’m sitting here, alone, listening to traffic and watching the rain fall around me… or at least, the bits of rain that I can see from where I am. I see more of its effect than I do it, but that’s fine. That’s okay. It makes me want to laugh, overall. Just the absurdity of one of the most obvious things to happen happening.

What does it all mean?

I yearn for a less dramatic life, and at least it has become less dramatic over the years. I’m thankful for that, but this is all too obvious. Have a convergence of events so the rain must come out to remind me of how this is all meant to be and how everything is meant to go. Wonderful.

But with that being said, I do like the rain in this moment. I do like the emptiness of it all, and the way it frames this space. It’s a light framing and I don’t feel enclosed. I’m sitting in a darkness that is gradually diminishing, and I’m sitting here, waiting. Waiting for change, waiting for movement. I’m sitting here, waiting for me next actions in life. They are close and are mundane. They aren’t anything important. They are mine to take, and anyone else’s when they find themselves in the same situation.

The rain is picking up and my actions will bring me into conflict with the rain, for I need to walk about two metres through it, or maybe seven metres, or somewhere between, to a door so I can go inside.

Dramatic for no reason, I am being.

This all makes me think about emotions and the heaviness of it all. The mass we accumulate and carry. I’m sitting here, wondering what has happened over the last nine years of my life and how much of it I enjoyed. To be honest, I don’t think I enjoyed much of it. Still, I find myself missing the person I was with, and I don’t know if I could honestly say I’d be happy to never speak to them again, despite all the problems that were there. Despite everything.

The weather isn’t raging though, and neither am I. It’s just rain with convenient timing, and the contract ending today is a coincidence. It’s one that I can consider as symbolic, poetic, representative, but all it is is a change of which I happen to be part of.

The rain is now coming down harder. The lull was nice. It’s funny that this is happening as I am writing. It’s funny, all of this. And it’s not. I think that, at the end of it all, I’m just really sad right now and immersing myself in that sadness, and that’s not healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to be getting on with my life. I don’t want to be having these coincidental things happening so neatly, because it;s annoying. Makes me feel like I should be miserable, or something.

But it all travels on and it all goes forward, and in a few hours I’ll be fine. I’ll be bored, trying to get work done and not getting anything done at all. I’ll try and I’ll continue on, and I’ll wonder about where the meaning lies and what meaning I have in my life, but nothing will work. Nothing will come through and then I’ll head on out maybe, say my goodbyes to one of my colleagues, then head on home. Get some rest. Have the new partner come around, and I’ll go to sleep. None of this matters. I’ll be comfortable again, and tomorrow I can go back through the whole process of enjoying a weekend without enough time to enjoy it in, and then I’ll get back to everything on Monday. New and old at the same time, and so on it goes. So on and forever more, until I’ll get a good sleep.

I think that, right now, it’s a little difficult for me to not be in this reflective state. Things are going good for me, but I’m still wound up. I’m still stressed, and I feel like nothing is actually changing and I’m stagnating. I don’t know if they are, but I feel that way. I’m sitting here and I don’t feel successful; I feel wanting, and I feel empty in a way. I feel like I’m trudging along to something I feel I should want, that I feel is expected of me to want, and I’m wondering where I’m meant to go from here.

The rain is getting quiet again, and that’s nice. That’s some relief. It’s meant to stop raining soon, anyway. Supposedly. It’s probably just moving elsewhere, and clouds will rearrange themselves, and the process continues ever onward. It’ll continue well after I’m gone, too. And that’s something nice at least. That’s something I can appreciate, and in a way, it makes me smile.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 15:53:71

I meant to get this up on Friday. Didn’t happen. There’s gonna be a few like that today, so brace yourself.

Friday was a very conflicted day for me and I think that shows in here. A bit of a mess. A bit of stretching, too.

Written at work.

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Austin Wintory: Descent

One listen, and with this one I just sort of followed the instruments and what they were doing. It kind of worked, kind of didn’t, but I’m happy with the result.

Austin Wintory’s “Descent” is from Journey, the soundtrack for Journey.

I hope you enjoy.

Sounds glimmer in a darkness before being swept away by something. It shows for a moment, then disappears, and percussion falls around it, presses on down.

Sounds continue to shine a little, and a brief flash of something else in the darkness. A brief build before falling away. Searching, looking in this hidden space. Patrolling.

Tension and danger mounts as a hazard continues to move around in this darkness. It approaches, and it moves fast and smooth. It seems to just glide around, and it locates and comes after, and approaches and approaches and strikes out.

Before it can be confirmed that it succeeds, the song ends.

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Austin Wintory: The Road of Trials

One listen, and it seems I wanted to use “frolicking” a few times.

When I wrote this, I think I was struggling to get started, which is why this feels as stilted as it does.

Austin Wintory’s “The Road of Trials” is from Journey, the soundtrack for Journey.

I hope you enjoy.

Sounds dance and flutter about. There’s an energy in the air; a frolicking. Here and there everything seems to gain life. Everything seems to move vividly and it’s all wonderful and suddenly swept away.

Something still floats around there and there’s a shaking, a wavering, and then everything comes back out. Everything comes back to life, or slowly does at least. A little lower down, however. But there’s still a joy. Still a frolicking.

Everything seems wonderful and full of life and a desire to move around and be free, or feel a sense of freedom. It’s a world waking up from a small spot, and across a land a journey moves forward. Through memory and lingering sentiment, the space changes shape and things build and fall away, and there is, perhaps, some sorrow in it all; a sorrow that belies a breadth of feelings, slowly drawn out, slowly flowing, but not enough to take over.

The sounds continue their movement. They continue dancing and frolicking, and maybe they are urging forward and urging toward something before being stamped out. A revealing of danger, and the song ends.

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One Thousand Word Challenge 249: Ticking Away

Time is ticking away. I’m sitting here, ticking away. Everything ticks, everything disappears and I find myself thinking about this space more than I should. Shouldn’t have done so during lunch. That was my mistake. Oh well.

It’s quiet. It’s not empty, but it’s quiet. This feels like a place that should have more activity going on. It doesn’t. Such is life. Such is the way of things. It almost reminds me of when I went through redundancy in 2015.

I was the last grunt to leave that place. The last person who took calls from customers. I left with the rest of management and I felt it was important. I don’t know why. I wasn’t the first person to work there, but I was one of the seniors. There was maybe one call to take. A bunch of people left early as the choice to do so was there. I chose not to. I chose to stay. And it was a strange time, really. Strange, but I guess it helped me get a sense of closure with the place.

That place was a toxic work environs, and I got through it. I left and I played “Send to Celeste (And the Cosmic Athletes)” by Guided by Voices. Once out the doors of the building. It was a strange and emotional moment and I had some freedom that was unfamiliar to me, and it was interesting. Possibility and all of that stuff. But we all left and we were gone. I.T. were still there, of course, but they had other things that they had to take care of.

Here I am and I’m not being made redundant. I’m just here, working. Waiting for work to come through. Going through things, killing time, waiting and waiting and waiting some more. And I feel some sort of emotional strangeness. I’m sitting here, writing, trying to find words. Trying to see if there is anything that makes sense of all of this, but there is nothing to make sense of. I’m just sitting here, waiting and waiting and waiting some more. Nothing changes except the scenery, and I’ll be in a busier place after this. And maybe I will miss this place.

Maybe I feel a bit adrift. I’ve mentioned it before, but that place that wrapped up in 2015… I haven’t quite felt like I’ve belonged since, and maybe that’s why I feel strange about this contract ending. Maybe I feel like I belong a little here, but it’s not happening. At least, not right now. There’s an oddity in this space that I appreciate. It’s something I quite like, but it feels healthier, too. There isn’t this wild, raging youthful people thing going on. There aren’t a whole bunch of people who are chaotic and say really off things, and there isn’t this overpowering social clique thing either, and it’s great. But it’s not to be right now. But maybe later. I don’t know.

So I’m sitting here, waiting. Sitting here, trying to find something to do and keep on going and writing and finding where the words lie and the feelings fall, and I keep on going through it all. I keep on trying to work out where my life will go come Monday. Will it change directions? Do I find something new and amazing, and then find myself locked into something completely different? Will I find satisfaction? I don’t know. I don’t care to know. But I do.

This is all too much. I leave work soon. I get to go home and rest and I’m worrying about things that don’t matter so much at the moment. I’ve got questions and I need to get through them though, so getting through them is what I’m trying to do. Trying to find out where I go from here. Trying to work out what is what and all that stuff.

I’ll go home and rest after this. Stop thinking about all this stuff. I’ll be too tired to rest though. I have it easy and I’ll be too tired. I’ll need to keep on pushing through everything. I’ll need to find where things start and end and where they end and start, and I’ll have more thoughts about everything and nothing and it’ll just keep on going. I won’t be able to relax as, even though work continues, I’m stressed out as I still feel I’m spinning wheels. I still feel I’m not going anywhere. This is frustrating.

Back in 2015 I mattered less than I do now, but everything felt bigger, too. Maybe I felt I belonged in that place due to how toxic it was. Everyone there who was a grunt probably felt the same to some extent. I don’t know. I never asked. It seemed that way, and then we all scattered and followed different paths in life. I’m just here, now, trying to get through everything. Trying to survive and continue on with my life. Trying to get to being comfortable so I can be more healthily restless, and I am comfortable, but I don’t feel comfortable. I’ll go home and there will be things I need to do as my housemates won’t, and I’ll speak to them about it and they’ll say “Yeah, sorry” and all that and nothing will change. It’s more work than work, and that’s the way it shouldn’t be, and that’s the way it is, and I’m kept tired. I keep chugging along, but nothing changes and it’s all just blah and whatever and all those things.

It all turns into calcified routine and it all keeps chugging along because none of us are willing to make a move that’ll enact genuine change. Well, I do, but I’m not able to yet. I’ll be distracted by the fact that I can relax for a bit. I’ll be distracted by my having plans I need to focus on if I want to see them realised.

However, right now I’m sitting here, and time is ticking away.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 15:02:92

Not as fast as I’d have liked. A bit more conflicted writing. It’s an odd time, that’s what’s coming through, you get the idea.

Written at work.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1574: Empty Lunch Room

I’m in the lunch room and it is empty, and in a way these final days are always spent alone. Sure, I’m still among my colleagues, but I’ve started to detach. They’ve started to separate from me. We’re not a team anymore, even if we are. That’s a pretty cynical way of looking at things, but that is how it often feels. But I keep going and so do they. Our paths are no longer together. They diverge and we go our separate ways.

I’ve time to think about if I’ve achieved anything here over then past few months, and I’m wondering if I actually care about if I’ve achieved anything. One one hand I kind of do, but on the other I don’t. I came in to do a job and I took it as it was the one I had a successful interview for. I came in and did the job and I did want the job, don’t get me wrong, but it was just a job. It was not a career path and I’m not a career chaser anyway, so I don’t mind too much. I did it, it was done, and now I’m here, sitting in a kitchen, warbling away about it and that’s cool, too. Or not.

I think I’m wondering about if I’ve done much of anything, or anything that I can say that I care about as I’m floating from contract to contract. I’m moving through them, going here, going there, and that’s what’s going to happen once more. I keep going and it’s great that I get to keep going, but I just want some more stability.

Glad I can rest for a good few months, at least. That’s nice.

So I’m here. I’m sitting here and it’s quiet and it’s great that it’s quiet. Some people are passing through, sure, but this space is mine and not something I need to worry about sharing with others so much. But I’m wondering what it is that I can say. Something that I can say that will help me remember this job.

I liked the people. The people are great. I’ll miss them. That’s about it.

Sometimes these spaces can end up providing something obvious. I’m a small person at the end of the day, and despite how big a personality I have, I am a small and empty person in a moderately-sized and empty space. At the end of the day, everything moves to a quiet and I’m currently ruining that quiet right now. I’m typing away, harming an atmosphere that wouldn’t be appreciated unless someone was in it, and I’m just a person who is doing this. One more person moving through a space, soon to be forgotten (or not) as I float on elsewhere, and then to wherever comes after that. I keep floating on, keep trying to find somewhere where I can sit, and I just have to keep pushing through whatever until I get to stop floating around.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 05:54:69

There’s a bit of conflicting feelings coming through here, and it continues on into the next bit of writing. I didn’t have much to say but I felt I had to say something. It’s an odd bit of writing for me.

Written at work.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1573: Wasting More Time

Alrighty,

The day draws to its middle portion of the day and so I am going to go against the clock once more. It’s me against it. It’s it against me. We are locked in a race where the clock wins and I hope for the best. Or are we?

Who is to say and who is to know? Not I, for I know not what it is that will lead to the outcome that is most favourable to me. However, I do know that I should be writing a little faster than I already am. It’s a pleasant day though. Pleasant and lovely, and I’m inside and I’m trying to write. I’m trying to write the words that will lead to prosperity today and the best way I can do that is through wasting my time by wasting time.

That’s how you waste time in this age and day, and let me tell you, today will be a day of the time that is wasted and thrown away like a dirty rag that hasn’t been washed in years. Years, I tell you, because that’s what I have left, and many of them, but the clock always winds at the end of the day. It wins and it winds on down, then winds back up for it never rests and never feels need to. Everything continues on and on and on, and I keep going and hoping for the best, and yet the clock is always the victor.

However, maybe this time I might just beat it. You see, I have a weapon best described as secret… if the secret was that it wasn’t secret at all. How does one even deal with that? It’s a conundrum. It’s a power and there is confusion. Probably due to my pretending it’s a secret, or believing so hard that it’s a secret that I cannot escape my own deception of the self, and so I just keep on going and the time doesn’t care, but maybe it does… if it could. If it had reason to. It doesn’t. I don’t care.

So I’m just gonna keep going and then I’ll look at this later and I’ll look at it going “Why did I think this was worth the time?” even though I didn’t at the time but still went ahead and did it anyway. Because apparently, I thought that exercising without the meaning was worth the time everything takes. Apparently I’m a fool, or something.

So anyway, I’m here, I’m writing and I’m near the end and I am hoping to win this time. I am hoping that my winning is so hard that there will never be any more complaining about my wasting of time when I am told that I need to do cleaning or take the rubbish out or all of those things. You know. The things that we need to do to help maintain an idea of society and function. I will do those later, and not now.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 04:58:53

Quite happy with the speed on this one. A mess of words, but a good speed.

Written at work.

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Mazedude: Hanmuru Moon

One listen.

Early on I became unsure about how I should proceed with what I was writing. Not a good way to be. Still chugged along, but it harmed the overall piece.

Mazedude’s “Hanmuru Moon” is from For Everlasting Peace: 25 Years of Mega Man, a tribute album celebrating 25 years of Mega Man games. The song is an interpretation of Makoto Tomozawa’s (友澤 眞) “Hanmuru Doll Appears!” (ハンムルドール登場!) from Mega Man Legends, aka Rockman Dash – Episode 1: Adventurous Spirit of Steel, which was featured on its soundtrack, Rockman Dash Original Soundtrack.

I hope you enjoy.

Percussion shapes and strides in, and soon synths rises forward among beeps and boops. That synth moves in bits and stays in the background for the most part, or at least feels it does, even when it pairs up with other sounds.

A voice and other parts flowing together and sometimes separated by brief silence, and everything fills out and pulls away, and it’s as though everything is moving in some sort of wave or pulse. It all builds and pulls away, and builds and pulls away.

There’s a quiet among this all, among this sort of futurism, and this calm that’s not quite there. There’s prominence again and everything is moving quite precisely. Everything moves as precise angles, starting and stopping as necessary and creating this enclosed space that feels as futuristic as it does the past.

A moment of more quiet, and from it everything starts building again. Everything starts growing into a sterile, bright space with some sort of foreboding, almost. And one sound in particular is more at the front of the others, and it grooves and moves and rises and falls, and it is busy and not at the same time. It is climactic but doesn’t feel climactic, and it falls away when the other sounds stop at the song’s end.

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