The easiest way to put pen to paper is to just put pen to paper, and I’ve been trying to write something for the last… four, five hours, and only now I am able to push through.

I am trying to collate and organise my thoughts. Today isn’t a good day. Today is a day I have a meeting that I believe is a pretext for my being fired. I don’t know what I will do from here.  have been looking for a new job for years, my getting money from photography is sporadic, and I’m sitting here. I have been distressed for the past three days. I still am distressed. I cannot afford to be unemployed.

I don’t want to get into the details of what has happened and I’m trying to not make this some sort of dramatic thing, but it’s hard. It’s hard to not put everything out. It’s hard to not say much, but for now I have to hold off because I’ve no idea what’s going to happen from here.

I also don’t like doing this kind of vague remarking as it doesn’t help, but as said, for now I have to hold off.

So I’m sitting here, trying to remain calm and write out what I feel I need to say for this meeting, but being that I’ve been in a constant state of distress it’s hard. It’s hard to organise my thoughts and it’s hard to make sure I’ll be writing things as I remember them.

I don’t understand why an organisation would tell me no when I was prepared to discuss the issues at hand on the day I was advised of them. I don’t understand why an organisation would tell me that it has to wait multiple days and then ask me to do this on my day off. I don’t know if it’s something they should do, considering they’ve noted the kind of distress this thing causes.

So I sit here and it’s a hot day and I’m sweating, and soon I need to get ready for a meeting I don’t know should happen. Soon the weather will cool, but I’ll still be here. I’ll still be waiting to see what happens and I’ll remain distressed. The best I can do is put forward my case…

This all sounds so dramatic but it isn’t. It’s incredibly low stakes and the issues aren’t the worst, but I have spent too much time at my job hearing about my tone and that I’ve said things that people have taken issue with, but I don’t get given examples. I have to try and guess what it is that I need to improve on. I ask for examples, but I don’t get given them. I don’t have faith that this needed to be a formal investigation, and I don’t have faith that I needed to do a meeting on my day off. And I can’t afford to be unemployed.

It isn’t a good day.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:38:51

I don’t know if I’ll be comfortable with this later, but it’s probably the best bit of writing I could do given the situation.

Written at home.