Very roughly six months ago I started a new job, and a couple of days later I was with my partner seeing The Dandy Warhols. I was there to photograph, and we saw them and left early because it was a work night. The Dandys were enjoyable, though I know some people said they weren’t that good. Of course some bands have good and bad performances, but I’ve said some variation of this before: you go to see The Dandy Warhols to see a Dandy Warhols performance. They’re not the tightest band in the world, or at least obviously tight, but their music is fun and it sounds good in a live setting.

But digression aside, it was a work night so we left early. I don’t think I got enough sleep anyway, but I went to work the following morning, and over time I kept learning and making mistakes and learning and making mistakes, and learning and trying to do better.

On Friday afternoon I was advised I’m passing probation. To say that the relief was immense would… probably be accurate, actually. The meeting went overtime, and I was sweating heavily and quite tired from lack of sleep, and I felt much better about it after.

I’ve been away from call centres before, but now I’m in a more secure position. Now I don’t have to start looking for another job and consider call centres.

I worked out a while ago how may calls I’d taken, and over time I went over one hundred thousand, or at least I’m confident I did. My voice might be one of the most heard voices in customer service in Australia, period. I don’t feel good about that. Sure, there were good times in the jobs I worked, but so many of the jobs were mired in abusive management, overlooking shitty behaviour from some workers whilst focusing on others (for example, in one place someone actively and openly sexually harassing some of the staff flying under the radar somehow), unnecessary giving way to customers rather than actually giving customer service, and a whole slew of other things that I don’t want to get into as I’d be here for ages and don’t have too much time at the moment. I might another time, but essentially I look back at a “career” that was more than half my life thus far and I remember some good things and a lot of bad.

Call centre work was a space I spent too many of my formative years in, and I’m definitely appreciative for some of what I got, but there’s a lot of baggage I carry and that will take time to unpack, but it’s happening.

For a while I was concerned I wouldn’t get out, and started giving up. For those who have known me long enough, or been in regular contact with me long enough, they’ve probably seen my stubbornness when it comes to trudging through really unhealthy situations, and also my honed ability to cut myself down.

The last sixish months were been a hard and sharpened mixed of emotions, and a lot of it I’ve spent trying to not self-sabotage, and I got there.

I said this when I started the new job and I’ll keep saying it: I didn’t do this alone. Sure, I had to put the effort in and follow through on my willingness, but it was a team effort that helped me get to the interview, and it was a team effort that helped me get through probation. I wouldn’t have gotten out of the toxic job situation I was in if I didn’t have support.

I can get back to living life properly instead of feeling like I’m surviving most of the time. I can get back to doing my artsy-fartsy stuff without constantly feeling stressed about what I need to be working on.

The people I want to thank are too numerous to list. They know who they are, and I’m highly grateful, and over time I’m gonna give them the biggest hugs I can. Obviously I’m grateful to my partner too as she’s had to see a lot of my giving up and stress, and she helped keep me going. I want to hug my siblings, but most of all I want to hug my stepmum, who has always believed in and encouraged me to pursue both a better life and what I enjoy doing.

The reason why I mentioned The Dandy Warhols is that a few hours after that meeting I was photographing toe’s first performance in Sydney. That was either going to be a really joyous or miserable experience for me… though it was mostly just somewhere closer to pleasantly enjoyable. And that’s fine, because I did enjoy the gig, and I enjoyed the support act, and it was overall a nice night, and I stayed for the whole thing too. But it’s interesting as a bookend of sorts, as two different bands at two different points of relief in my life, and  now there’s a good deal more openness.

Of course I’m not entirely out of the woods, but I’m getting closer to a space where I am more able to “live” life, after so many years of not “being able to”. There’s a difference between feeling like you’re surviving and getting enjoyment here and there, and actually enjoying stuff, but I’m getting there, and it’s good. It’s a nice change.

There’s uncertainty ahead – when isn’t there, really – but I don’t mind.