There was this person I knew in 2014 and 2015. May have met him in 2013. Can’t remember. Anyway, our friendship didn’t take off much until 2014, after I the breakup that got me writing again. Two people in some sort of similar pain and all that, and it was an intense friendship. Lots of laughs, lots of pain sharing.

This isn’t so much about the friendship as it is about its ending, because there were a few things that built up that led to my being done with it.

If I remember the order correctly, the first thing was either in late 2014 or early 2015. Can’t remember. Anyway, Ili and I had plans to go to the beach with some of his friends, and I was getting ready. Had everything, but I couldn’t find my hat. Cannot see it. kept looking, kept looking around, nothing. Nowhere. Was running out of time before I needed to leave, kept looking, no idea where it is. Looked in places it shouldn’t be, or would not be, and lo and behold, not in those locations.

At that point I was spiraling. For a good while at that point I’d felt pretty overwhelmed and tense and on edge, and like I was barely holding it together.

Wait.

I think a good chunk of those feelings had faded and I was doing somewhat okay at the time, but I’d had panic attacks prior so I knew well enough what they were and, even though it took some time to realise (I think; I may have been a few minutes in), I was having one then.

I messaged Ili, told him I couldn’t make it. Told him roughly what was going on and he started trying to pressure me to come along. In a friendly way, of course. I told him I couldn’t, and I’m pretty sure I apologised, and he said he was disappointed in me, or words to that effect. He tried to keep it light after though, but it wasn’t great.

It was really fucked up, because I was staring at a ceiling whilst on futon frame slats for somewhere around two hours, all because I couldn’t find my hat. Obviously a buildup of stuff that culminated to a release at that time, but it was the being unable to find my hat that set it off, and here was this friend who decided the best course of action was to express disappointment.

I did find the hat. Was somewhere obvious, but by that point it was too late for me to get up and go. Didn’t feel great about it all after either.

The next thing was formed from Ili being friends with my ex. I can’t remember if I had an issue with him being friends with her or not, but what happened is they ran into each other at some point, talked a little, then he asked if it was cool if they were friends. I think I said it was fine, because even though it wasn’t my choice and I can’t remember how I felt about it, I know I didn’t think it good or healthy to say no. If they got along, then they got along.

When Ili was asking this, he also asked if I wanted him to find out what was going on in my ex’s life, what she thought of me, those kinds of things. I said no. There was a period where my ex and I got back together and it didn’t work out, and this stuff happened after that, when we were trying just being friends which also didn’t work out. But during the friendship period was when Ili asked, and I said no. Yeah, I did want to know, but it wasn’t my business and I didn’t feel it right for me to know unless my ex told me. Beyond that, I already was conflicted with my feelings and I didn’t want to be dragging myself into it further.

At one point Ili gave me details about how my ex felt about me when I was asking about a thing he had done, and I’m guessing my wording wasn’t clear because I didn’t want to know, and then I did, and it was all normal stuff but it just hurt. Somewhere around that time, Ili had prompted me about finding out stuff again (likely before this), and I said that, yeah, I did want to know but it wasn’t my place. He then went off at me, in this calm, yet also what I felt was a shitty way, and told me that her life was none of my business. Which I knew.

Eventually this led to the third thing which was about lying. I won’t get into the details, but I’m not a fan of it for a number of reasons. Ili didn’t see issues with it. Told me I was naive for not wanting to be lied to. This eventually continued as an argument in person and I should’ve calmed down a bit, and I didn’t. This eventually led to Ili having the final word on it, but what he believed was beneath him was not something I felt was, and by that point the damage was done.

I spoke to him regularly after that for a while, but over the rest of 2015 I started withdrawing from the friendship and eventually it petered out.

I wasn’t perfect in the friendship. I’ll happily admit that. I was pretty fucked up at the time, and I can be intense enough on a calm day. At the end of it, however, I didn’t go off at him and express disappointment.

But, you know, at the time Ili mattered and in a way he still does because he was important to me back then. Like a good few people, he helped me get through a rough time, and even though it ended, I’m still grateful for his being there.