So I had this friend that I mentioned a few times many years ago, Naa. Was a good friend for a good while. Had to fend off some lies people she knew said about me, and that was fun. It felt like she didn’t believe me, and I know her partner had a dim view of me without my having said much of anything to him and listening to when he corrected me on stuff, and after he complained about Naa to me too. I also know that at the time I was pretty intense. Still am, but less wildly so.

So Naa was a good friend, or maybe not really, because, in 2015, once I cut out my ex in what felt dramatic and cathartic at the time, but in hindsight was incredibly immature, I felt she dragged me back in. Then she stopped talking to me a few months later, near the end of 2015.

I remember having this conversation about my ex with Naa after I cut her out, and Naa telling me how she hadn’t spoken to her in a while as she was over her because of how she was acting. Naa talked about my ex taking the conversation away from her when she’d talk about things she was going through. I said to her that she should keep talking to my ex. Essentially, whilst part of me wanted people to take sides between us (I was still feeling emotionally raw), I also didn’t think that was good. Obviously I didn’t know the extent of what Naa was feeling, but I also knew that my ex was a good person.

So anyway, my ex went overseas for a while. At some point whilst she was, and out of nowhere, Naa asked me if I could pass on my ex’s mum’s number for reasons I’m not going to mention, because Naa asked me to keep it a secret and not tell anyone. I passed on the number and I kept the reasoning a secret; At least, at the time I did, because I have spoken to people who don’t know my ex or Naa about it since, but being drawn back into someone’s life I didn’t want to be involved in, and being told to keep it a secret fucked me up for a bit, and after some time I felt I’d been taken advantage of.

At one point I almost let slip to my ex’s mum, because we happened to be hanging out at one point (we tried to have a friendship separate from anything related to my ex and it didn’t work out), and not long after providing the phone number to Naa, everything was fine and it was there just in case, so I was wondering. I didn’t tell my ex’s mum about the why (I said something along the lines of the number being lost) and that started some questioning that ultimately went nowhere.

It got back to Naa and she said what she said about it, and I don’t think I said that I didn’t give any info away, or maybe I did but it was ignored; I can’t remember. I remember being apologetic though.

Eventually Naa stopped talking to me without saying anything (sometimes you drop people without a word, I get it), which wasn’t long after a brief message about trusting people, and it really hurt.

So why am I mentioning this? Why does any of this matter?

Like a lot of things out there, it really mattered at the time, and it mattered for a while after. Unfortunately in 2014 I became aware of Naa telling my ex what we talked about and so I realised I didn’t have much in the way of privacy in that friendship. I think when I found out I was hurt, but maybe I told myself that it was fine and I’d deserved it.

I’ve spent a good deal of time with people getting shitty at me and whilst I know of times that were on me, often I’ve not understood why. The most I’ve heard from anyone is that I’m hard to read (as though that’s justification), but I’ve spent a lot of time listening to people and having my issues brushed aside, and I’d spent a lot of time listening to Naa talk about her issues because that mattered to her and I wanted to listen, but if I was talking about mine, then I was talking about my issues too much. Again, I was wildly intense at the time, but I also know that I’d listened as much as I spoke.

At the end of the day I’m older now and it’s stuff that I forget about for a good long while until it briefly pops into my head and I think about it and move on because that was then and I’ve had time to deal. I wasn’t the easiest person to get along with and I’m still not, but my friend lied to me about things and it sucked.

The breakup with my ex hurt a lot, but Naa cutting me out of her life without a word lingered longer because I’d known her a while. It was confusing when when she started following my work a few months later, but overall I’m probably better off not having that person in my life, but I hope she’s doing well. I hope she’s living a good life, because I don’t want to wish misery and pain on others. I don’t think that’s a good thing, and I don’t want to spread hurt.