What to write? What to spin into reality? What to find where and how to find it on a day that’s only merely slightly disturbed, rather than completely? Questions that I’m just throwing in the air, seeing what comes back down. What lands.

At this present moment, writing is a struggle. Mood is heavy and thoughts of the future weigh on my mind. It has not been a good morning, and I imagine the next few weeks are also going to be pretty heavy. Still, I must write. I have to keep on writing. I have to push on through.

Here I am, sitting at work, waiting for routine to kick in so I can get to it, but I don’t know if I’m going to get through the day. Having to express how I feel is already tough enough as it is, but when you express it to someone you care deeply about and their response is to, essentially, “Yeah but”, just isn’t great.

Who knows what will happen in the coming days? Who knows how things will go from here? One tries to know, and perhaps they suspect, but sometimes it all seems unknown, and maybe it is here. I don’t know. I don’t like speaking cryptically either. It feels like I’m trying to generate drama.

But I’m tired, and I just want to rest, and I cannot do that. I have to keep going, and I have to write, or rather I desire to write, but I’m struggling. Things start going well and then they come crashing down, or rather the foundation starts to shake, and that’s life. You pick yourself up; you keep going where you can. You move through life at whatever rate you can move, and you keep going and hopefully you come out on top somewhere, and all that.

This is all too much for this morning. I want more joy, more of an upbeat thing. I want to be spinning tales of silliness and not this stuff that is made to be more heavy than it is. Maybe I’m too sensitive or something though; I don’t know.

It’s going to be one of those days, but I’ll get there in the end. I’ll pull through. I’ll push on toward something that I can claim as my own. My own small victory among everything else that’s going on, and then I’ll wake up and tomorrow will be another day, and things will continue on as they are, or maybe they won’t, but I’ve got to try. Got to keep on moving and getting through life.

But what else is there to say? I feel heavy and weighed down right now, and I’m tired and I’m tired of being in a state of continued uncertainty, but I’ll keep on going and I’ll keep on pushing forward, but I just want some stability in my life is all. I want to be able to know that the ground underneath me is going to stay there.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:59:58

Heavy writing for this morning.

Written at work.