What a year, and we’re not even three full months in.

Putting aside all the pretty scary stuff going on in the world for this bit of writing, I gotta say, I just want some fucking stability in my life. Is that too much to ask? Job uncertainty, relationship uncertainty, home uncertainty… it’s just not stopping. Last year things seemed to level out; this year it’s back to how it was, but with the added uncertainty of a relationship.

I don’t like venting my spleen much, if at all. I’ve done that here before and it’s not what I want to be doing, but I’m so tired and so overwhelmed, and I just want to be able to keep working on the things that I want to work on and not have to continually put them to the side. I just want to be able to head on home and not wonder if I’m still in a relationship or not. I want to be able to keep working and not have to keep applying for jobs whilst having to consider that I could very well be unemployed and homeless pretty soon.

It’s great and all to say that things will turn around, but I’m living it now and it’s an absolute pain trying to get an interview at the moment. I’m tired and I have to keep going, but I’m so very tired. I just want to sleep and rest, and not have to worry about stuff for a while, but I have to keep worrying. When is it going to be my turn to actually live a life of comfort beyond a few months? When will I be afforded this opportunity?

Some people will say that working hard gets success or something along those lines, and I often find that it’s not necessarily the case. There’s always so much chance and it ends up being a thing one says if they want to comfort themselves. Don’t get me wrong; I think working hard is important. I don’t think it guarantees success, however. There’s a lot more that goes into that then just going down a line, and that’s something a lot of people don’t seem to want to realise.

This is a cynical thing to say, I know. I don’t want to be saying it. I want to be saying happier things and talking nonsense, but it just isn’t a good time. I want to keep going but shit’s heavy and I’m gonna have to put things down sooner rather than later if these continues. When do I get my break? When can I truly excel? Where does my luck come through, beyond my luck in managing to keep surviving?

Yeah, no one owes me anything, but, as said earlier, I just want stability. I don’t want to have to worry about stuff for a while. I don’t want to be going through waves of uncertainty. I don’t feel that that’s too much to ask, but maybe it is.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:42:93

Decent speed. Bit messy, but it’s a messy time. Reflective of the experience, or something.

Written at work.