I picked up a friend from a band rehearsal, took some shots. Then we headed off to the mountains, where he lives. This was Friday night.

It was an easy drive, and I’m pretty happy about that as I was not driving well. But we got there; we got to his, went to sleep.

Woke up in the morning far too early. Wanted to read, but couldn’t. When my friend woke up, we hung out in his kitchen for a few hours, talked about music. Talked about life, those sorts of things. Trying to work out where everything lies and all that. Trying to work out what to do about my impending homelessness.

Eventually left his, went to buy some bread, then made my way to Bathurst. I was crashing at Ewe and Anna’s on Saturday night, planned to help them with some house work. Helped tear up the carpet, albeit slowly. Didn’t actually do much. Hung out with both of them. Took carpet to the tip. Went back. Hung out with Ewe, gave him the full rundown of what has happened. Watched a movie that was perhaps too long for what it was doing. Went to sleep.

Woke up yesterday morning, went to the park with Ewe and his dog. Went and got coffee, went back to the place, hung out a bit. Drove back home.

Stopped a few times on the way. There was a particular lookout I wanted to stop at and did, and I stopped there and sort of blanked out. It was too cloudy and rainy to see much of anything, but I wouldn’t have seen it anyway. Just staring into space, feeling fucked. Considered jumping. Didn’t. Drove on. Took some photos.

Eventually got home after another stop. Talked more with my now ex-partner. There are problems, sure. Lots of problems. There are lots of good times too, but she doesn’t want to work on it. I have to respect that. I have to move on. But at the same time, as much as it hurts, I’d rather do so. I want to be with her, but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to work on it, and I don’t want to be her friend, either. Because it has felt like there’s been a lack of care for a long time, and I feel as though there hasn’t been work going into the relationship for a long time either. And then dumping someone whilst they’re trying to find another job so they don’t end up unemployed isn’t cool. But of course these things never happen at the perfect time, anyway.

It’s amazing how much my friends have been supporting me through all this, and it’s great. At the same time, it’s upsetting because I feel like my partner hasn’t been by my side for a long time. But I’ve been supporting her through her troubles, as recently as a few weeks ago, and I’ve been there. And I can’t be friends with her, because, despite all the good times, how can I be friends with someone who I feel doesn’t have my back?

Problems on both sides. I’ve caused my own fair share of strife. This is someone who is upset about how much it’s hurting me, but also doesn’t feel anything for me anymore. Emotions are complex, I get it. I get that there’s still care there. I get, and know that feelings change. I can’t make her want to be in a relationship with me. I can’t make her want to try work through it all, but I also can’t be expected to remain in someone’s life because they want to try friendship.

The whole thing is upsetting. It’s horribly upsetting, but I’ll get over it eventually. I still have my friends. I’m grateful for that. I might soon be homeless, but I’m grateful for my friends.