Setting myself a goal today. Not how I wanted to start this bit of writing, but am starting it by announcing this. Not going to say what the goal is, but if I’m successful, the results will be visible here.

It’s good to set goals and targets, of course, but I’m wondering if I’m doing it because I want to, or if I’m doing it because I’m trying to avoid pain and hurt. A lot of things I wonder all the time, and being dumped hasn’t changed that. Has changed what I’m wondering about though, of course. Why wouldn’t it?

So… here we are. Here I am. As is a regularity at the moment, sitting in a quiet room. Sitting in a space where silence rules, but there’s background noise, but it’s distant. Sitting in a space where I’m alone, and feeling no more and less than I recently have been. I’ll survive. I’m fine with being alone. I can tolerate it. I don’t mind.

Waiting to hear back about two jobs. One buys me more freedom, and the other buys me more time. Very close to the edge and I really don’t like it. Still, I have to keep on going. Have to keep on trying and pushing on. Maybe success will be sooner, rather than later. I don’t know. I do know that there will be a lot of hard drives coming up if I don’t have a job within the next few weeks, but that’s the way it has to be, sometimes. Sometimes there is no choice, so I keep on driving. I keep on going.

Of course, if I do have to go, it is another opportunity. I have one stop in mind that I’d make as I make my way south, into another state, to have some comfort. It’s a spot I’ve wanted to visit for a number of years and have never gotten around to doing so, so if I have the chance, I’m going to take the chance. What else am I going to do?

I think that this might be the most difficult time of my life so far, and I’m hoping it’s just the most difficult time of my life, ever. I’m hoping that things don’t continue to get worse. OF course it’s easy to say that things will get better eventually, but there’s a lot of relying on other people to make decisions that help you survive and succeed. You can influence and work to turn things around as much as you like, but you still rely on other people. I think that that’s something interesting. It’s not something we think about much; we are willing to assume that our own success is our own, or related to a group of people who supported us. We often aren’t willing to think about how much of our success relies on people we don’t know.

Currently, I’m relying on people I don’t know. My friends have supported me and it has been great, but they can’t ensure I get another job. They can’t guarantee my safety and comfort, and that’s fine by me. They’ve helped me out immensely, and that’s great. I’m forever appreciative of it.

I’m not appreciative of being kicked by my ex instead of them supporting me when I need them the most. That’s a bitter and angry thing to say, I know, but I think about the relationship, and – not ignoring the issues I caused – I think about how much I put into it in regards to support, and how much of it has not been returned. I think about the good times, and I have difficulty remembering them, and maybe that’s in part due to realising just how tired and burned out I was before getting dumped. I don’t know if I want to hope for a change in the situation, because it’d require a lot of work on both our parts, but it’d would especially require a lot of change on her end, and from my view, it seems that I’m handling getting dumped better than she’s handling dumping me.

I don’t know if I want her in my life ever again, because so much of the relationship required me to bring things up and cross bridges, and I don’t know if I can be with someone who met me halfway far less than I feel they should have.

Right now I’m single, and I’m sitting in a quiet room, and I feel like shit and it sucks. It sucks that I’m quite possibly going to be homeless soon. It sucks that I don’t know what’s happening in a few weeks. I’m tired, but I’m not tired as I was in February, or the start of March, or January, or the way I have been for a few years now. I’m not tired in the way that I have been which has hampered my ability to do much of anything, and that’s in part due to my not giving so much of myself to someone who I felt wasn’t reciprocating anywhere near as much. But that’s only the way I view it. I don’t know how she sees it, and I don’t know if she has accepted how her actions have impacted me.

I do feel awful for my causing issues in the relationship, because she was hurt. I know things can be worked on, but she doesn’t want to, and so now I face driving off into comfort and continuing uncertainty. I’ll stop off at that one location I want to stop off at, and I’ll go to the sea, too. I’ll go and I’ll stop and I’ll look. I’ll reflect, and think about what lies ahead. I’ll keep on searching and exploring, and maybe I’ll come out okay.

To be honest, I’m scared. All that well-wishing stuff isn’t helpful. But I have no choice but to keep going, because, for me, giving up right now won’t help. Only pressing on will provide a chance.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 14:49:50

Decent speed, and mostly pretty flowy. Was getting into reflection here, I guess. Perhaps more bitterness than I’d have liked to have expressed. It’s a really tough time.

Written at work.