It’s the afternoon and I’m trying to relax. It’s a sunny day outside, and it’s a little loud but it’s a little quiet. Trying to relax, but cannot, but that’s the way it do be. Should be doing more stuff than I am, but am tired. Need sleep. Might nap for the first time in years. Don’t know.

Sitting here, sitting here, doing much, doing nothing, trying to work out the way ahead. Trying to work out if there is a certainty to getting out of my situation. But also, just listening to music, trying to take it easy. Trying to get through things, but at an easy rate. And Why do I need to put any pressure on myself, anyway?

Why am I trying to pressure myself into writing? What am I doing here? This isn’t the way to go about things. The words must come naturally and I’m trying to push hard, and it ain’t working and so I’m stumbling. I gotta let go. I gotta relax. I gotta take it easy, or something. Or not.

But it is a nice day, and I can take it easy. I can lean into relaxation and I can unwind a little. I don’t have to charge into everything, and that’s fine. I don’t need to be anywhere at the present moment. I do need to keep on applying for jobs, but that’s not the hardest thing in the world… thankfully. Sometimes it is, however.

I’ve a few plans for the following days and there will be a lot of writing, but I need to let it happen. I need to set myself a schedule so it does happen, but I need to let the words come to me and I need to let them flow. Some of my best writing has not come from me trying to force myself, but rather just sitting down and just getting into it and letting it all come forward.

I guess I am trying to resist writing about getting dumped because I don’t see much point in writing about that when I want to be expressing many different things at the moment. I don’t want to keep going on about it… at least, not now. There are other things I want to cover, and I probably will touch on it again here and there, but for now it’s just writing about whatever and trying to let the words come naturally.

It’s about knowing where the weaknesses in my writing are, and trying to improve on those whilst also improving on my strengths. It’s also about a lot of other things, but that’s a good one to mention because it implies I’ll improve.

So I don’t need to force my writing and I don’t need to force words, and I need to try and rest and take it a bit easier. Easier said than done, of course. But I am resting, but I don’t feel like resting and all those things seem to spin into each other and congeal to form more stress even though there’s little reason to be stressed at the present moment. Little reason to do much of anything other than take it easy and keep on working on things so I get them all done in a particular order, which is to be determined by my constantly adjusting the priority of everything all the time, thus creating some sort of arbitrary and senseless stress and pressure to get more done with less time and… I don’t know where I’m going with this.

The day is still nice and that’s nice to know, because a nice day is a nice day, and I’m starting to unwind a little. I’m starting to let go. Or maybe, I’m starting to not grip so tightly, not push myself so hard and all that stuff. It’s cold in here, though I’m trying to get some warmth, but it’s still nice. The light falls on the area outside in an interesting way, and things are really bright, and some not so much. It all feels lazy, relaxed. Peaceful. Not a care in the world.

The scent of smoke coming in here is a bit concerning, but it’s probably a barbecue somewhere nearby. It doesn’t matter right now. What matters is just relaxing, unwinding and letting the words flow. Letting it all come together and then going on from there. That’s what matters right now. Well, that and everything else.

You know, I’m not sure where this is all going, because the struggle is kicking back in. I need more sleep. Last night it was low sleep, so tonight should be fuller to counterbalance. To counteract. To all of those things and those other things that lead to the things in things and so on and so forth.

So I’m trying to let the words flow, but my lack of sleep is kicking in and maybe it’s just not a day meant for writing. Maybe I should’ve held off and knuckled down and gotten other things out of the way. There’s always tomorrow, and maybe it’ll be a better, more productive day. Maybe today should’ve been another nothing day, because I’ve spent a lot of it doing nothing whilst trying to force words into particular orders, but I’m getting there. I’m still going to do some things.

Maybe I’ll scrap this once I’m done. I don’t know. I feel what I’ve written has been too scattered and too flat. But I feel flat and so if it feels that way to me, them it’s an accurate representation. I need to keep that in mind if I do indeed get rid of the whole thing. It sits in an honest space, but it’s not good writing. Could be far worse, of course. It’s not all bad. But we’ll see.

I think that, at the very least, I’m glad I’m writing this. I’m glad I’m getting this out, even if it’s not good. There’s still plenty of ground to cover.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 13:13:63

Not my finest thousand words. But I’m okay with it right now.

Written at home.