Still no new job and still facing homelessness. Looks like I’ll have a couch in the short-term, at least. That’s a good sign. That’s a relief. But it’s only time. It’s valuable time though, I need to be clear.

A while ago I thought I was at what was my lowest point then, and I told myself I would never let things get that bad ever again. Well, good intentions and all that. This just isn’t a good time and it’s not getting better. I mean, some aspects are, sure, but this just isn’t great. I’m getting too tired to keep doing this and it’s a struggle, but I need to keep going. I don’t have a choice.

I said recently that I didn’t want to be writing this way, and yet I am 9once more. I’ve said that a few times, actually, but it’s still what’s rising to the surface. It’s still what’s coming forward. What can I do, other than let it all happen? But it’s all so miserable and sad and unhappy, and it’s just putting all that misery out there. And I keep fighting and I keep struggling and little is changing, and I’m not in a position to just fuck off from everything because I’m too poor to be able to. So for now, it’s job application after job application after job application and hoping things change.

My ex, she has said that she doesn’t want to see me going through this. Yet she refuses to at least stay in our place until I’m back on my feet, thus reinforcing the issue. I get that she needs to do what she feels is necessary at this point, but it’s just a rough thing. That, along with other things makes me wonder if this is someone I can have in my life after all of this. Do I want to be dealing with someone who hasn’t had my back when I’ve needed them to have it? It’s not a new issue.

I also really don’t want to be talking about her, but here I am talking about her. Not in this space, anyway. I just want to be able to write and get some success from writing. I don’t want to be doing diary stuff, and that’s what I’m doing. I keep on doing it and it keeps on happening and everything is going on forever.

This is all a long, slow fall and I’m not sure if I’m gonna be caught in time. But there is time, and even through all of this despair there is chance. There is possibility for things to turn around, but it’s taking a lot and it keeps on going. But I also keep on going, in part because I have no choice and…

See? I’ve said all this stuff already and I’m saying it again! It’s like the whole thing is on repeat and the words keep on coming up in the same order. This isn’t a great time.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:32:03

I wrote this before work started and had to put it to the side to start work. Funny how that happens. Anyway, I was not in a good state this morning. Things have sort of turned around, but I’ll get into that tomorrow.

Written at work.