Not sure if this is going to be my last bit of writing whilst at this job. Last day is today, and then an aptitude test tomorrow, and now an interview on Friday, and we’ll see where it all goes.

It all goes into uncertainty, really.

So I’m pretty scared, and I’m tired of being distressed, and I just want to take it easy. This isn’t a good time, and it hasn’t been for many weeks, and I need to keep going. I need to persevere. What choice do I have? What do I do from here? Because giving up still is not an option.

Too much of my life I’ve spent burned out and struggling, and right now I have to struggle. Right now I have to keep on going, because I’d rather have a possibility of things getting worse than a guarantee. But it’s all tough, and I keep on going, and it remains tough.

So I’m here, writing probably the last thing I’ll write at this job, and things are okay, but things are tough. I’m trying to not cry as there’s a job to do. There’s work to put in, and that won’t change. Things keep on going. The wheels keep on turning, and maybe they are on the ground. Maybe I haven’t been spinning them and going nowhere, but I haven’t paid attention to the road. Maybe everything hurts right now and things still keep going forward.

I’m scared. I have three opportunities and I have no idea if any of them will succeed, but my tenacity in the face of whatever seems to be my strong point. My stubbornness allows me to persist, but it’s also harmed me in other ways. But right now it’s carrying me through. Either that or some sort of self-belief. Not sure at the moment, and not going to try and pry.

That I’ve switched so heavily to drawing is something that I’m not sure should worry me, or something I should be inspired by. I don’t know. I never know with these things. But it’s good, because I’m still creating. I’m still working on things and that keeps me going in some manner.

At this job I discovered Underworld properly. Of course I knew some songs, but it’s here where I couldn’t stop listening to them for weeks on end, and I’m still listening to them a lot. I’m listening to a lot of different things, and my thoughts go in various directions as they loop around on each other. They are circular and the music is linear, but my thoughts also are linear. They keep on going and rocketing forward to wherever they feel they need to take me, and I’m merely a passenger, trying to find some direction.

I guess the direction is “out” at the moment. Such is the way of things, I suppose.

In a sense, not working at this place may be a blessing in disguise, but I’m going to miss it terribly.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:59:12

Not good, not bad. Down the middle.

Written at work.