A chill music day? No, not at all. Too much being extreme to extremely be. Weather’s clearing though, and that’s nice.

What am I going to write about this morning? I feel things are getting okay. Things are improving. I don’t want to tie my writing to pain and pressure, but I feel like I am and that’s not necessarily a good thing for me at this present moment, because I’m feeling better. Still a little lonely, but no more or less than I was whilst in the relationship, really.

I think that right now I might try and churn out a lot of words. I’ll do that. That is always a productive use of my time. If I can do that, I can do anything. Need to kill about ten minutes, maybe a few more, anyway. We’ll see how far I get.

So now that I’ve thrown down the gauntlet it is time for me to listen to all the vibrating being caused by my typing. Bottles are shaking, and so are glasses. My coffee is shaking. I can see the ripples move across its surface. There’s the low noise of bliss around me, and it’s a peaceful space. It’s a fun space. It’s a joyous space. This is all nice. This is pleasant. This is ideal, and I enjoy its being ideal. I’m enjoying this.

There’s a dog having a sniff, being happy, looking happy. This is all nice, and I feel relaxed. I feel tired, but I did sleep an uninterrupted sleep for the first time since some time last year. That was good; that was great. I’m still tired, but this is all something I can appreciate, and it IS appreciable. I feel a little detached though, like I don’t belong. But I like this. I’m taking it easy before I head off to work and I get to enjoy a moment in time. I get to be in this pocket of space and I don’t have to be something, or be switched on and powering on through everything. This is ideal.

The music is slow and not quite my thing, but I enjoy it regardless. It’s just easy. Duoly Rob knows how to draw people in. The staff are friendly, and in a genuine way, I feel.

So now I’ve said all of that and it’s time for me to spiral off and sink everything in the best way possible. Or perhaps it would be the worst way possible. The original path has ended and the new path lies ahead, and it’s all downhill whilst uphill, and let me tell you, I’d rather turn back. I don’t want to sink everything, but this is what lies ahead and so if this is what lies ahead then this is what I must do. This is where I must walk forward, and I need to do it in the best way possible in the worst way possible.

So it’s time to go down rolling uphill whilst downhill and take everyone out along the way. I can do this; I can succeed. I can burn bridges and paths and bonds and I can make myself a reprehensible human being. Don’t want to, but it’s time that I do. It’s time that I must. I can succeed, and then move on and disappear from Glebe forever. People will wonder why, and I know it’ll be due to the self-doubt and anxiety. I know it will be because I need to ensure failure and not success, and I need to do it the only way that I know how.

Actually I don’t know how, but some people think I’m a shitty person and who am I to say that they are wrong? Can’t say they’re right either, however.

I’m sitting here and I’m thinking about the friends I’ve lost over the past couple of months, and my ex, and I don’t want to be. Grief comes when it comes, but these are things I feel better about, in a way. One of those friends I am kind of sad, kind of not caring around. Helped them a fair bit where I could, they gave a vague, non-explanatory message about why they felt the friendship should end. It upsets me that I may have hurt them in some way, but if they’re not going to speak to me and try to work toward resolving the issues, then I feel it’s someone not worth having in my life. I especially feel that way if they were willing to take my help on a number of things, especially a couple of weeks prior.

I’ve said it before and strongly implied it too, but I value honesty. I value the people in my life. I am an intense person so I get that I get a bit much, but I still want people to be honest with me because I don’t want to hurt anyone. If someone I’ve known for years knows this, and then won’t be honest with me whilst still accepting my help, I don’t know if I have the energy to care enough.

But even though they and two others are on my thoughts, I’m still enjoying myself right now. I’m still happy in a way. I’ve gone through some shit and I’m not out of the woods, but I’m doing okay. I’m surviving. I’m in a position where I can work hard and improve and get into a better position in life, and so I need to maximise that. I’ve been feeling better and better since getting dumped, and I wonder if I’ll crash. I’m not wondering too much, but I am wondering. But I need to keep on working on myself. I need to keep doing what I want to do, so long as it does benefit me and doesn’t hurt people along the way, unless that hurt is unavoidable. And I can do that.

But for now I’m going to sit here and enjoy the space I’m in.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 15:46:99

Decent speed. Not sure if it matches the writing enough, but it was a decent speed.

Written at Dirty Red