What a few weeks it has been. What a time, and in time what a time.

Time.

I’m trying to get up and I’m staying down, and I’m needing to force myself to write. I need to force myself a lot at the moment, and I think it is in part due to fatigue, but the desire has left me. The desire to do much of anything is gone, but I need to keep on going. Time won’t wait, and neither should I in this instance.

That’s what I tell myself, anyway. I’m trying to find where everything is and what has happened, but I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what will come tomorrow and I don’t know what I’ll do today. There are things that I will be doing, but those are necessary. This isn’t. That’s okay though. It’s okay to have unnecessary things in one’s life. Helps keep things going,

So I’m tired and currently I’m ill, and I feel trapped in a way. I have goals and ideas and I want to see them realised. I want to see a good few of them realsied before I wrap things up here, but maybe it’s not going to happen. Maybe things are going to drag on out, and I really don’t want that.

Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself at the moment. That I feel my life is getting further away from where I want to be even though I’ve more ability to get to where I want to go. The other possibility is that, in having some sense of relief in my life, other things are leaving me as perhaps they were coping mechanisms. I don’t know.

So I’m sitting here and I’m whinging about stuff that will probably come back, but I;m tired and I’m wondering, and I’m wondering if maybe I need to find new outlets and endeavours. I’m wondering about where my life is actually going. Is my life going anywhere?

Ah, I’m too tired for all of this. I should go outside, go for a walk. Stretch my legs a bit, take in some sun. This room is a cage and not great for light, and it’s not great. I survive and I’ll keep surviving, and I need to work my way back to doing what I want to do. I need to find my way again. Spent too much time flailing in the bushes. Not enough time dusting myself off and continuing on.

I wonder what would have happened had the last few months been different. I’m doing well, I’m doing great, but there are things that cast this feeling over everything, and that’s what I don’t like. I don’t like this feeling that things aren’t as good as they were, because they are better. Things are great. I’m the healthiest I’ve been in years. I’m getting fitter, and my injuries are hurting less. But without my ex in my life, it’s not as good as it could be.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:42:46

I feel as though I had to write this. Maybe I didn’t, but I had to get something down and this happened to be what I put onto screen.

Written at home.