Somehow fucked my wrist up during my sleep. The bad wist. This isn’t notable, and it’s especially not notable considering that I’m still typing without issue, but it hurts. It hurts horribly.

Rough sleep. Anxiety peaked whilst trying to sleep. It’s the way things go. Now I’m hearing an acoustic Coldplay cover, and can things be more on the nose? Of course. Of course they can. But it’s the way things go, I suppose.

Yesterday I saw my ex. Had to get some of my stuff she took by mistake back. Looking for my citizenship certificate (for those who haven’t been reading this blog for a little over ten years, it’s an annoying story). So I went to see her, she gave me my stuff, we went and got coffee.

She didn’t have to agree to get coffee, she didn’t have to agree to see me. I figured it’d be a nice gesture, and partially I wanted to see if there was anything there, still. Not going to get into the details about it, but there were no arguments, which was nice. That’s always desired. I’m also feeling better about not having her in my life than I was before.

Essentially I left it feeling good. I thought I’d feel anxious. I thought I’d feel stressed. Came out feeling fine and more reaffirmed about feeling good with her not in my life. That’s a nice thing, for me. But the anxiety spiked and I couldn’t sleep, and subsequently I’m really tired.

So I’m sitting here in Duoly Rob, and I’m thinking about yesterday and how I feel now, and maybe I’m not doing as well as I’d like to think I am. Maybe I’m doing well, but I’m still missing her, despite everything. Despite the problems between us, and despite my further realising how unhealthy that relationship was for me, maybe I’m feeling like my life isn’t as good without her in it, and if there is eventual comfort in another person’s arms, it’s not her arms. It’s not her I can tell about the small victories, and the annoyances, and all the things that I want to talk to someone about. And maybe that’s why I had trouble sleeping last night.

Right now that matters. I don’t want it to, but it does, and maybe that’s part of what makes things difficult, because a relationship that wasn’t good for me matters because the person still matters. This is all obvious stuff, but… what can I say? What can I do? Just keep going as there’s not much room for anything else at the end of the day. I can recognise that I’m doing better right now. I can recognise that I might be doing the best I’ve ever done, but it doesn’t feel as good as it should, and it sucks that part of that is due to not being able to tell my ex. But I’ll keep going. All things pass, and so do these emotions I hold.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 09:06:25

Slower than I’d hoped, faster than ten minutes. Far more serous than I’d like, but it’s what’s present.

Written at Dirty Red