I’ve got to head out soon, but I’ve also got to write now. I’ve got to write something. I’ve got to get thoughts down. Something. Anything.

Long week, long spiral. Spiraling for a few weeks and it probably started with the getting sick, and now I’m trying to get back on track. Trying to get ahead. Trying to keep moving forward and hopefully get my health back on track. Got a lot of stuff to try.

Trying to write right now is a struggle, but it’s a struggle worth having. I can feel in my arms, they lack the strength needed to keep on typing. I’m not sure what has happened, but I am persisting. I am pushing forward, because this is what I feel I need to do right now.

The interesting thing about need is that it can drive us in ways we don’t expect or want. It can push us in ways we don’t think we will be pushed. That’s not to say that it is always optimal; just that it is something. It is something we need to be aware of…

Need is something we need to be aware of. Brilliant writing, this.

But it has been a rough few weeks. I’ve been spiraling a bit and giving up too much. I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be downbeat. I want my sadness to be a happy sort of sadness. It’s not. It’s not right now and it’s not happening, and that’s life. There are worse things. It could always be worse. It could also be much better.

So what am I saying? What am I conveying? Where does the message lie? I need to head out soon and all I’m really saying is that I’m struggling and that doesn’t say much of anything. Last night I messaged a friend and told them that I was so tired, and in part that is due to lack of sleep. However, a lot of that also has to do with just being burned out, and very much not in a great state.

It all comes in waves and sometimes you just need to wait it out, and… well, I don’t have much of a choice, really. I don’t have a choice but to ride this out. But I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of the down and up and down, and I’m tired of a lot of things. I’m tired of having to be the one to take charge in a lot of situations, and I’m tired of the one who has to do all the cleaning up at the end of things whilst others proclaim how they’re being accountable and advocating for themselves whilst tolerating abuse in their lives to get ahead. I don’t know what to make of everything, and I’m tied of seeing people be shitty to others and be protected for it. I’ve my own things to work on, but too many people are willfully blind to themselves.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:23:19

Today is going to be a long day. I think this writing is quite emblematic of that. But we’ll see. Maybe it’ll compress into itself. Who knows.

Written at home.