Sometimes I get this sense that life has left me behind. Or that it’s drifting away from me. This is something I really, REALLY do not like. It’s difficult because I know that if I spend enough time resting (and rest is very much needed) I’ll probably start feeling it less and be more functional. However, I’ve been operating on burnout for so long now as I’m afraid of time slipping away, and it is slipping away.

That’s a bit of a grim way to start this bit of writing, but it’s true. It’s honest. I know where my time has gone and I know where it’s going. I’m probably more productive and less burned out than I realise, but I don’t feel it. I feel deflated and I’m tired. Been sleeping a little better over the past two nights and that’s good, but I’m still tired.

Think I’ve years of sleep loss to make up for at this point.

But I’, sitting here and I’m thinking to myself about what I’m not achieving. I don’t need to achieve anything now. I know that. I know I still have many years ahead of me to do things that I can consider a success, but I still feel it slipping away. I feel as though I have been left behind and there’s little I can do about it.

I think getting dumped might have done more damage to me than I initially realised.

So anyway, what can I do about this? I’ve always carved out my own lane (I think), not that that necessarily means I’m going to change the world or attract massive attention for my “daring” ability and “courage” in the face of overwhelming odds, but it is something I’ve done. And yet, I still yearn to be ahead of the curve; to be adored by a populace that’ll shower me with praise I think I deserve.

I’m thinking about everything I’ve written and “drawn” and photographed. I’m thinking of the music I’ve made and all the living I’ve lived. It doesn’t feel like a waste, but I wonder if I had more hustle or business sense, if I would’ve gone farther sooner. I wonder about that. I don’t think working a regular job is beneath me, and I do like having the stability. I like knowing that I’m not having to worry as much about the next meal or keeping a roof over my head as I used to be, but I also feel that where I should be is in a space where I can create without having to worry about having a job, or worry about shelter and food. A lot of people feel the same, really.

I don’t know if that would put me ahead of the curve, or if that would mean I wouldn’t feel like I’m being left behind, but I do wonder, sometimes.

It’s not too late. It’s never too late, but time gets away from me and I’m sitting here, having to rest. Having to take care of an injury, which is fine, but it also means I’m more willing to let myself bog myself down in my thoughts instead of pick up a pen and write something, or make music or draw, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I’m so prepared to defeat myself, and I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to be able to stand up and feel as productive as I am.

It’s a beautiful day outside and I’m stuck inside. I’d also be stuck inside if I were in the office, but there’d be better light and more opportunity to move about. Right now I’m stuck going nowhere. I’m stuck sitting here, trying to get through the day, trying to get work done and trying to not feel like life has left me behind. It’s not a good way to be thinking. It’s not good for the psyche.

Could be worse, of course. I’m still alive and I’m still functional. So long as I can tick those two boxes, I can keep on going. I can keep on surviving and I have the chance to thrive again. I have the chance to be something bigger, or at least have a bit more satisfaction in what I am doing in life. But it takes time, and it involves a lot of hard work. It involves trying to override calcified habits. They can be overridden, but it takes times. It takes work.

So I feel like shit and I’m despairing. So what? I do this a lot and I also write about this a lot. What’s new.

What’s new indeed.

I think that there is something that can be taken from this, and that it takes a lot of work to get through things. I think what people tend to forget to mention, however, is that a lot of work stops feeling like a lot of work if you get into a routine. You need to maintain some flexibility in order to prevent burnout. You need to know when to say no, or when to postpone. Those sorts of things. However, the more one works on something, the less a lot of work feels like a lot of work.

You develop a handle on how to manage things. You get ideas about what the next steps are. You start seeing how things come together and you work out how to improve your own processes. If done carefully and considerately, you start working out when to stop some things and take a break. You might stop feeling like life is leaving you behind. You might start seeing where you fit into things.

A lot of work to look after yourself, and I need to look after myself. It’s a lot of work and time, and maybe I’ll get there. Maybe you will, too. Maybe I’ll finally get to the other side of burnout. Maybe I’ll rest and recover. I will keep going either way.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 14:26:09

Bit of a mess, but I feel this is important stuff. Not enough people talk about these kinds of things. Though perhaps a lot of people do and I’m not aware.

Written at home.