Alright, the second attempt at doing this. Why am I reattempting? I have more important things to do with my time, and yet I am doing this. There is work to do. There are things to take care of. There are… obligations. Maybe if I don’t think too much I can get this done far faster than I thought I could, but I am still wasting time at this point in time.

Or maybe I am not wasting time at all. It is hard to determine under certain circumstances. These circumstances, of which I am certain of, are the ones in which it is hard to determine. Well, not really, but that is what I am telling myself as I want to sound smart and mysterious and then go from there. Go from there to here and then from here to there, and then eventually I pull the whole thing back, and bam! You’re all surprised and wondering how I did it. Howe I pulled it all off. But it was simple, and maybe, just maybe, I will tell you how I did it, or I won’t and I’ll just get on with my life and so will you, and this will be forgotten, and that’s the end of it all. Tomorrow is another day, after all, and this moment is but one of many that comprise this flesh prison we refer to as life.

So where do I go from here? Do I delve into horror talk? Do I express something far beyond the mighty? Do I shrink away and pretend that what I am doing matters, sheepishly defending my foolish decisions in the hopes that I convince everyone whilst still failing to convince myself? I do not know, for I do not have the answers, but I do know that if I write quickly, I can get this done at a pretty quick click. Or something.

It’s a beautiful day outside. I should be able to work outside, but I’m stuck inside, resting. Hoping the pain goes away so I can get back to living my life. I am living it, of course, but I don’t feel I am living it. I’ve talked about this a lot recently, but it hurts and it stings and these thoughts of despair wrap themselves around my brain and I feel I cannot escape them. I am inviting them, of course, and it is easy to invite them. It is easy to do so when things seem uncertain and terrifying, and I’m just trying to get on with living. I’m just trying to live a full life and it’s not working out the best, but it’s just a dip. Things pass, and clouds move. Time changes, and so does life.

So I’ve said that and I still have a lot of words to churn out. I don’t even though where I am up to, but I’ve got to keep on going. If I stop I might just slip behind and that’s not something I want to do. The idea is to get this all done in under the minute amount of twenty. Why did I write that like that? Was not twenty minutes fine to say? I don’t know, and I don’t care. I won’t be reading this once it goes up. I will be doing other things, like getting ready and doing work and working on the doing of things and work and all of those other things that I do on a basis considered daily. I think. I hope.

A lot of breathing too. Need to remember to breathe. Forgetting is not the best thing in the world, but not the worst thing unless you completely stop. I probably am breathing and just forgetting about the fact that I am breathing, and so life goes on. Life finds a way. I sit here on this chair, trying to get this done, trying to find the answers that I seek and not finding them where I look. That is okay; you just keep on looking. You keep on going and hope that things come out okay. Maybe you don’t find what you are looking for, but you need to not forget about the experiences along the way.

You know, sometimes I think about nostalgia. I’m not nostalgic for things and I know I said this before, but I’m not. Or, at least I think I’m not. I do miss a certain level of ignorance and innocence, however, but even though things are pretty shit right now, my being alive right now is the best time in my life because I’ve made it as far as I have and I’m fortunate enough to still be intact. I’m fortunate enough to have the ability to keep on going and experience more, and I’m fortunate enough to be able to be conscious and feel like shit. Wish there was less suffering though. A lot less. Could do without that.

Can’t do without that all the time, I know, but so much (probably all of it) is unnecessary in a lot of ways. They say suffering builds character, but what I’ve learned is that it builds suffering and a lot of problems. Not everyone is able to overcome a lot of shit, and few people get to the other side of tough times okay. It’s easy to become defensive and apprehensive in ways one doesn’t expect, or even notice.

So I’m saying this as though this is profound and its not. Or maybe I’m not saying it in that manner, but I don’t know right now. I’m still trying to beat the clock. It’s been a little over nine minutes and I can get this done. I can keep on powering on and I hope I get there. I hope I get to the end and beat the clock.

So anyway, sitting here, typing away, having big thoughts and small thoughts and all sorts of thoughts, and it seems there’s a bit of an order this time and that’s good. Maybe this is my true moment of clarity; where I realise just how much I’ve dropped the ball and not been handling things, despite what I’ve been telling myself. I can tell myself it’ll be okay; that things will pan out and I’ll get to the end of everything in one piece, and maybe I will. Maybe I will find this clarity and carry it forward, but each day does get easier. That’s something I can hope for. That’s something that’s good, I think. I hope it’s good. I don’t know. Sometimes it is and is not, and there’s only one way to find out and that’s through perseverance. One must persevere where they can, and hope they can rely on others when they cannot.

But you keep working on things and you try to better yourself and better others. You try to find a place where people can actually rest and unwind, and actually appreciate life in a way that’s stress-free. You shouldn’t tell people that going though shit helps one appreciate things. It does, but often going through shit means the indefinite postponement of enjoyment, and some people need help getting out of it, and we should help people where we can. I wouldn’t be writing this if people hadn’t helped me survive getting dumped and nearly being homeless, so I’m thankful for a lot. But I’m just one person and there are a lot of people out there. Helping others is always worth it. You don’t need to get something out of it; you just need to be able to.

You need to rest yourself, but permanent rest is not good. You need to know when not to and all that.

I wonder why I default to writing about this sort of thing. Of course I have experiences that define some of the things I write about, but this in particular. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel I’m screaming into a void about this stuff. Sometimes I wonder if what I write has any meaning whatsoever. Sometimes I wonder if people actually care enough. However, one needs to keep spreading a message of goodwill and hope, and working to realise these things in order for things to chance. There needs to be action too, of course, but still, one tries and I keep on trying. I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to say things are not worth it. If I say that, then what’s the point? Fighting for a better tomorrow is always worth it.

Trying to uplift others is always worth it. Building an inclusive community is always worth it. Making sure people have enough is always worth it. These things are worth fighting for, and not in terms of the conditional; not in terms of assuming that someone deserves more for no discernible reason. Actually making sure people are comfortable and prepared and able to survive and flourish, and making sure they have pathways that benefit them. Part of this can come from taxation, and I don’t know why people are so afraid of paying more tax if it means they have to worry about fewer things like healthcare, education, utility upkeep… you know, all of those things that are important to society. Of course other things, but you want to make sure that, at a base level, everyone is as comfortable as possible.

People will fight this and it just hurts. It hurts so much to see people go against what is beneficial because they think others don’t deserve it. They think they should pay less tax on profits, or that they should be allowed to hoard wealth and property. I think more people should pay more tax and stop being stingy, and I think property should be seen as a human right and not a privilege. I don’t think people should be allowed to make profit from shelter. I don’t think that’s fair. I think it’s anti-society, and anti-community, to be honest. But I’m just one person. What would I know?

People think having a heart is bad, or it should be selective. Maybe it should be sometimes, but we should still do our best. We should do what we can to look after others.

So now that I’ve said that, I don’t know. It’s just a race to the end at this point and I am racing. I need to read over this once I’m done, to make sure everything reads okay, but I think what I wrote makes enough sense. Probably too long; probably too much repetition, but what’s new? I’m just trying to get it all done in one go and I think I can do it. I think what I said is worth saying, but I don’t know, but I try. I keep on trying and maybe, just maybe someone will take this onboard. Maybe someone will read this and go “This is worth considering”. But I don’t know. I’m one person and I keep on trying and hoping, but surely there will be some change down the track. Hopefully not before it’s too late. Hopefully not before everything goes to shit. I don’t know, but these things are always worth talking about. A better tomorrow is always worth fighting for, even if you’re feeling dejected. The things can change in society, and worth enough work and effort, maybe they will. Maybe things will get better. One keeps hoping there, too.

I’ve said enough repetition really, so I think I’ll just focus on getting this wrapped up. I need an ergonomic keyboard. This is not good for my writs. Falling behind, struggling to get the last words done, but I can do it. I’ve done worse. Done better but done worse. Nearly there, just a few more words. Nearly at the end and I will make it, I think, or I won’t, but there’s only one way to find out and finding is what I hope I’m good at doing sometimes.

20:00:55

This was a workout of sorts, and I don’t think it was worth it. I finished it and it kind of stopped the momentum I was building up. Also slowed down a bit whilst writing it, hence going a little over. Could’ve been worse though.