I’m sitting in Duoly Rob for the first time in a good few weeks. Think it may have been a month. Maybe longer. Yet to be determined. But I’m sitting here and things feel good. However, right now they really feel good. They feel… right.

The sun is out and people are buzzing, and I don’t mind or care. I’m not bothered by it. I don’t feel alone in a crowd. I don’t feel averse to being outside. This is nice. I like it. I still feel like shit, but I feel good. I’m enjoying this.

A good deal of luck and relief, and I’m going to write about this stuff. I know I’ve said I’m going to write about the recent downs and ups, mostly because I feel compelled to, but I am. It doesn’t matter right now. So much doesn’t matter, and it’s good.

I know I’m somewhere along a wave, but I don’t know where. I don’t know where and I don’t mind. And maybe I should be concerned about that, but I’m not.

Does it even matter? It’s good to spend time thinking about the future and where things might go, and due to my recent life upheaval, it’s probably good if I do, but we spend so much time being worried about everything. Don’t get me wrong; there’s plenty of things to be worried about. If things in terms of society and environment continue going the way they are, we’re fucked. But I’m referring to the personal, and I’ve spent so much time mired in stress and depression, and those will come back but right now I don’t care. Right now I feel I’m more ready than before to get back to living my life.

I spent eight years in a relationship I don’t regret it and now I’m getting back to living. I’ve got time to be comfortable and restless in a good way. I can’t see what lies ahead, but this is okay.

So where do I go from here? I think I’m feeling more relieved about this blog wrapping up. I think I’m feeling okay about life and where it’s going. Having space and having time is helping. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I have time; that I have to spend so much of it feeling like shit and being paralytic, but things… things are okay. I’m fine with feeling like shit, and I think that it’s because I feel alright at the moment. I feel okay. I feel like shit, but I feel good. I’m hopeful, but not banking on hope. I’m okay to cruise for a while, even if I go back into a spiral in the next few days.

So… I guess what I’m saying is I feel good at the moment. I’m upset that I hurt my ex. She had justifiable reasons for ending the relationship, and I also did. And it doesn’t matter right now, and that’s okay. I’m okay with not worrying about what comes next.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:21:03

Slow and not really saying anything.

Written at Dirty Red.