So I’m sitting here in Duoly Rob, as is the norm of my life some of the time. Can’t be all of the time; just some of the time. But that’s good. That’s fine. And I like it.

This morning I drove to work from the other side of the bridge. I’m in Duoly Rob now, sitting here, having coffee and relaxing. I don’t feel a veil has lifted, but I feel good right now.

I recently started seeing someone. It’s someone I’ve known for years, and we’re not necessarily interested in a relationship. At least, not now. We both fancy each other, and that’s nice, but we’ve our own stuff to sort out. But we’ve started seeing each other, hanging out a lot more, being better friends, and there’s romance. And it’s nice. It’s nice because, whilst I don’t need it, I feel validated in a number of ways, and it’s pleasant.

Yesterday was my last day in USYD’s Business School, and today I’m commencing a new role. It’s another temporary one, but it’s more work. More pay, which is nice.

I think I’ve mentioned this before.

I’m a bit worried about my enjoying seeing someone due to it possibly becoming a crutch. I’m worried about going into emotional turmoil again, and maybe I will. But I’m not focusing on it. I’m not thinking too much about it. I’m sure they’re the same, because they’ve been through some heavy stuff and they’ve been through it ore recently than I have. And they want to make sure they have space, and I’m happy to oblige. Hurt takes time; working out who you are after mass amounts of stress takes time. Finding your  feet takes time. So I get it, and I’m still there as their friend. It’s the best I can do, really.

So I’m sitting here, thinking about things. Thinking about how I feel very relaxed right now. About how I drove across The Sydney Harbour Bridge this morning and managed to avoid getting stuck in traffic. About how I left late from their place and drove on over, and it meant parking was a bit less available and I got to USYD later than I wanted to, but I also don’t care. I don’t care and I feel fine with it, and this is nice. This is a good feeling, because I’ve been stressed about meaningless shit for far too long. Holding on to things I need to let go of, like leaving at specific times to avoid traffic, or having enough time before I start work, and subsequently leaving too early to ensure I have that time.

Stressed about being held and holding, and comfort and meaningless conversation, and that stress just washes away, and I feel good. And all that stress doesn’t seem to matter anymore, because right now, in this moment, I am happy. I don’t know how long it’ll last, but I’m happy and I’m not concerned about if I’ll feel like shit later.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:21:10

As I was writing I had this idea that I’d write something more poignant than the result. I like this, though. It’s clunky and raw, but not intense.

Written at Dirty Red.