What am I going to write? I’ve been lazy over the past few weeks and I’ve been so lazy that I’m rusty. Either that, or I just don’t miss doing this, and that’s fine. So I guess I’m going to drag myself through this and work through everything and slowly trudge my way to the finish line, wherever that lies. If I even care.

I think that, perhaps, over the last decade and more, I’ve been writing because I enjoy it and I’ve been looking for something, but maybe, just maybe it also was a coping mechanism. I don’t know. I still have a joy for it, but I also don’t and I’m just forcing this right now. That’s not good. But maybe it needs to be done. Or something.

Why am I breaking down my sentences so much?

So anyway, sitting here at Duoly Rob. Thinking about things. Wondering if I don’t have it in me anymore. Wondering if I should just stop now. You know. All those things. What’s my value as a writer? Do I have any value? Have I offered anything? So it’s the usual questions and the usual questions are being asked in the usual manner.

I’m wondering why I do this to myself, and I’m wondering why I continue. Right now, maybe it’s difficult. I haven’t had enough sleep, but I’ve had a good breakfast. But also, I don’t feel the need to write. I don’t feel the drive. I’m still going to write today, and I’m going to write a lot, but right now I don’t feel it. I don’t feel compelled to write. And that’s okay.

Still, I’m going to push on for a few more months. Just until the end of this space. Maybe I’ll feel better after all of that. I don’t know. I could. I might. But I’m not trying to think that far ahead, because I just want to focus on what I’m doing now, which is churning out a lot of crap and doing a good job of being crap at churning out crap. This place is full of it; might as well keep on going and get it all out there. Get it all done and written and then move to wherever and whatever comes next, which is already here but it’s a bit asleep at the moment.

I think that I’ve probably spent too much time talking crap, and have done so willingly, and maybe lockdown did more damage than I thought it did. I know I was fine for a good while, but bad habits have a way of cementing themselves if you don’t keep them in check, and I’m quite certain I didn’t.

Anyway, today is going to be a good day, and I imagine that, by the time I get to work, I’ll probably feel a bit better. I’ll probably feel a bit better about some, and not all things, and then I’ll crap on for a while and then head home.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:57:97

Could’ve been better.

Written at Dirty Red