The last few weeks have been incredibly interesting and there’s so much to say, but I don’t know how I even go about covering everything. I don’t know how I go about covering all the bits and pieces of my life in a way that speaks more than just words, because it was all life lived. It was all interesting and all nothing, and none of it mattered. And everything did matter and still does. But I just want tow rite. I feel awake enough to write and I’m trying to get as much of it done as quickly as I can, and that’s the best way to go about things right now. I think. Just write and get the details down and then get on with life. Get on to what comes next, and there is a lot to come. There always is a lot to come, really.

I think of 2015 and how that year was great and sucked, and ten years later it seems all the same and entirely different. Well, probably closer to 2014, but you know. That’s something for the people who have been reading this space for a long time. But it’s been a lot of depression and grief and misery, and realising that the relationship that ended this year was quite possibly an abusive one, and in getting away from my ex, I am doing significantly better.

I want to be clear: I contributed to the problems in that relationship. I will never deny that. I will also never claim that my ex was intentionally abusive, or set out to be. There was no physical violence and there were plenty of good times, but it was quite possibly an abusive relationship, and as the time passes I feel more and more relieved to not have her in my life. And that’s the way it goes, sometimes. But what else is there to say?

There’s something I want to write about that’s sort of related to classism in photography, and that’s gonna be a tough write, I think. I’ll need to start gathering interviews and all that. When I say “sort of”, I mean it’s about classism in photography, but likely will be more about attitudes in photography. And I’m going to rant it out soon, because that is something that I’ve realised is near and dear to my heart. Perhaps I have a massive chip on my shoulder. I don’t know, but I do think it’s something worth exploring. Something worth digging into. There are others who could cover it far better than I can, but I’m going to give it a good go anyway. I just want to see if I can get into it and get something forward and out there that says something.

Beyond that, a lot of bad driving, a lot of everything and plenty of nothing. Trying to look after myself. Working on this new relationship in my life, though it doesn’t feel like work and that’s nice. It’s part of a hopeful way to end a fucked year, really. And, you know, I’m not so much looking toward the far future, but I am looking forward, and that’s nice.

I think about this year before it’s over. There are still a good few days. I think about it and just how awful it has been. There has been plenty of good and a lot of bad, and getting dumped sent ripples and echoes throughout the days, and still continue to to do so. However, I’m feeling lighter. I’m not feeling like I’m lost without my ex. I don’t feel like something is missing, and that’s good. I feel more annoyed and frustrated, but I don’t want to go back. It’d take a lot and the circumstances would have to be incredibly exceptional. I’m not interested. I’ve a lot to see and do, and I’ve now someone in my life who wants to see and do things, too. See and do things more often. I don’t feel I have to be emotionally and mentally strong enough for two people, and that’s great.

But that says little about the past few weeks, of which there is a lot to say and nothing at all. Just… things have been getting better. There have been spikes of shittiness here and there, but the more I think about it as I write this, the more I realise that there’s little point in covering most of it. Why should I? It’s not what I want to be writing and I keep writing, and today I’m just gonna try and get out a lot of things if I can. I can do it and I will do it and today will be that day, but maybe it isn’t. I don’t know and I don’t need to know as of yet, anyway. I just need to keep doing what I’m doing.

I also need more sleep. More sleep is good, more sleep is great. But I’m getting there.

One thing I don’t like doing is going on these lengthy strands talking about how I’m getting better. I’m always getting better. Plenty of others are, too. The year isn’t over yet. It nearly is, and I’m sitting at a table and I’m writing about it, and I think it’s nice that I can do this. It’s not the most exciting thing in the world. That’s okay, but I desire to go elsewhere. I desire to explore other things and the only way that I can do that is if I actually go and start exploring those other things. So I need to do that and I can try and do that and see where it all goes. But that’s all soon. Not yet. But soon.

What a few weeks. I’m sitting here, crapping on about myself and I don’t know how to articulate all that has happened. But it’s been mostly good and I’m doing well, and right now what matters is that, and not what has happened.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 12:57:03

Decent speed. Bit of a mess.

I’ve an idea of what I wrote, but it was a few days ago and I don’t want to read over it at the moment. I do know that this didn’t go the way I hoped and that’s fine. I think the overall quality could be much higher, however.

Written at work.