Currently pushing time a lot. I’m meant to be leaving to head off to my partner’s place with a detour to hang with a friend, and I’m meant to be leaving very soon. I’ve most of everything ready, but I’ve got to wait for some files to finish transferring and it’s going to take a while. But maybe I can still make the train I need to catch, and maybe I can cycle to the station I need to cycle to in time still. I don’t know. I hope.

It’s a dire time once again. Once again I’m hunting for work and once again there isn’t much time. I’m sure I’ll pull through, but this just isn’t fun. This isn’t enjoyable. I am tired of the trying. I’m tired of continuing on. I’m getting tired of doing much of anything. I feel incredibly, utterly burned out, and I just want some time to breathe, but I don’t get that. I have to keep trying to hop from contract to contract and I have to keep on trying. It’s just such a tiring process and I’m really over it. I have some stability in my life now, sure, but I just really want some work stability. I don’t want to have to keep on worrying about if I’ll have a job or not, because worrying about that is killing me.

My periods of stability have been fleeting and I have to keep fighting for them, and they never last. Of course they never last, but I’m tired of the carrot dangling that happens. Tired of the enticement. Just let me sit still for a while so I can start living my life beyond surviving.

I’m not in the worst position in the world. I know that for a lot out there I am in an enviable place in life. It’s still not great, however, and I think there needs to be more done to uplift people. Yeah, sure, I’m in a really bad situation. I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what’s going on. I keep on applying and I keep waiting for rejections. It’s not great. However, I have the ability to keep going. To keep trying. A lot of others don’t. In that regard I am fortunate.

It doesn’t make the situation better, however.

This weekend I’m spending most with my partner. I’m going to be spending a lot of it job hunting, however, and that’s the tiring bit. The spinning of the wheels when they’re so agonisingly close to the ground. I know something will come up, but how close to being in a really bad spot will I be before it does? How many more applications do I need to do before I get the job that isn’t a temporary contract?

And I know, applying for temp roles is going to get me temp jobs, but I’m not just applying for those. That’s just what I keep ending up with. That’s what’s tiring. That’s what’s taxing.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:59:29

Look, I wouldn’t call myself proud of this bit of writing. It’s what came out, I stand behind it, but I’m not proud of it. Times are just tough at the moment. A lot of stress that feels like a partial repeat of last year.

Written at home.