So I realised something and I’m going to stay vague about it because who knows what will happen, but I figure that if it’s going to pan out the way I expect it to pan out, better to let it happen than announce it and then pat myself on the back for a job well done and walk away and all that.

But I realised something and I’m going to attempt whatever that realisation is, and if I succeed, well, I succeed. Then I can pat myself on the back for a job well done and walk away and all that.

But anyway, yeah. Had a realisation and it’s achievable, and if it’s achievable, then I can do it. If I succeed, happy days. Only one way to find out and all that, so I’m gonna try and find out. Hopefully I will. Hopefully I will find out and then realise that, yes, I can get something completed… beyond the small of everything, that is.

But you know, life is full of realisations and all that, and I am a machine of generating realisations. A relisation machine if you will. Everyone is, really. And we are all so much more, and… that’s all I have, really.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the end of this space. I’ve been thinking a lot about the amount of work I need to put in in order to catch up on everything, and I know I can do it. I don’t know if I will, but I know that it can be done. Need to spend less time procrastinating if I am to do so, of course. There is a lot of stuff I need to do and catch up on if I want to make sure that everything is neat and tidy come the fifteenth anniversary. I think I can do it. I know I can do it. I don’t know if I will do it.

I wonder about the journey taken to get to this point, and I’m a little scared of letting go, but it needs to be done. I need to let go and move on with my life. I need to direct myself elsewhere, because this takes too much time and there isn’t enough of it in the day… you get the idea.

Right now I’m feeling anxious about it as it’s getting closer. I want everything to be nice and neat by the time I’m done, but I don’t think that’ll happen. There’s so much here to check and go through. I’ve created my own bloat and I don’t want to sink within it. I want to stay ahead of the growing pile. I can do that, at least.

But yeah; I feel anxious about it. Such a big part of my life is going to stop, and so much of my experience suddenly left behind. But it’ll remain here for a while, at least. It’ll remain here and sit as a testament to bloat and mess and ugliness, and all the things that fall between it all, and that’ll be that. I’ll get on with my life.

It’s strange though. The times I’ve stopped writing for a few days, I haven’t missed it and I keep going only because I’ll be wrapping it all up. I know that I will miss it, however, because it’s become so insidiously routine. It has become so heavily part of my life and it will remain that way for a little under two months at this point, and then I’ll have much more time on my hands.

I think part of the reason why I’m anxious is suddenly having more time. I’ll still be busy, but I’ll be less so, and I feel a need to be productive. I feel a need to keep creating and doing stuff. Having more time to do so in a way that I feel is genuinely more productive is, I think, a good thing. But I guess not having the standard routine I’ve had for so many years now is scary. But it’ll be better. It’ll be healthier for me, and that’s a good thing, at least.

Obviously I’m scared of letting go, even if I want to. It’s so much time and pain sunk into this place, and a lot of joy too. It’s one of the few constants I’ve had since I started it, and it’s uncomfortable saying goodbye to it, but I’m still going to. I’m going to do so and make this change, and I’ll have as much of it tidied up as I can before I do. But it’s going to be tough.

I think I’m also worried about not being able to say bye to it all in the way that I want to. And I think that part of me is worried about saying bye to you, the readers, because some of you have stuck it out with me for a long time. Saying bye to you all is also going to be tough, because I appreciate the time you spend here, reading through all of my crappy writing. I appreciate the time taken, because you’re giving me your time and you’ve continued to do so.

I think I’m getting a little too emotional and stressed about the whole thing, so I should try and focus on what I can get done and get back on with the doing of the things. If I don’t do that, then I’m just spinning the wheels about how this is stressing me out and all that, and I could just get back to producing more rubbish. A more productive use of my time, really. Or maybe it isn’t. Who is to say, other than me. And someone else who can say, of course.

Well, those are my thoughts for today and now you have read them. Now you have experienced my thoughts on how I feel about closing an outlet for my work, and now I’m gonna end this ramble.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 14:19:72

Could’ve been faster and perhaps less anxious. How I was feeling at work when I wrote this yesterday though, so that’s what’s bound to come forward, really.

Written at work.