What a day. And yes, I know I’ve been starting a lot of my recent writings with something about the day (probably a lot more than just the recent ones), but what a day.

Wake up. Get ready for work. Starts raining. Have to get to the bus stop quickly as leaving late. Get the right bus. Awesome.

Get to work, still raining. Raining more. Been sitting here for a few minutes and its dying down a bit, which is great. But it’s still raining enough to create an impact on the space. To change the atmosphere.

Other than that, last day on this contract. Been assured the new one is going ahead. Off to a different part of the university. Also, been a year since my last relationship ended, or at least somewhere around a year. Somewhere around there. And the rain falls, and it’s all sorts of dramatic and fitting and lazily poetic. Rain always falls at sad times, and maybe this is indeed a sad time. Who am I to say?

I’m sitting here, alone, listening to traffic and watching the rain fall around me… or at least, the bits of rain that I can see from where I am. I see more of its effect than I do it, but that’s fine. That’s okay. It makes me want to laugh, overall. Just the absurdity of one of the most obvious things to happen happening.

What does it all mean?

I yearn for a less dramatic life, and at least it has become less dramatic over the years. I’m thankful for that, but this is all too obvious. Have a convergence of events so the rain must come out to remind me of how this is all meant to be and how everything is meant to go. Wonderful.

But with that being said, I do like the rain in this moment. I do like the emptiness of it all, and the way it frames this space. It’s a light framing and I don’t feel enclosed. I’m sitting in a darkness that is gradually diminishing, and I’m sitting here, waiting. Waiting for change, waiting for movement. I’m sitting here, waiting for me next actions in life. They are close and are mundane. They aren’t anything important. They are mine to take, and anyone else’s when they find themselves in the same situation.

The rain is picking up and my actions will bring me into conflict with the rain, for I need to walk about two metres through it, or maybe seven metres, or somewhere between, to a door so I can go inside.

Dramatic for no reason, I am being.

This all makes me think about emotions and the heaviness of it all. The mass we accumulate and carry. I’m sitting here, wondering what has happened over the last nine years of my life and how much of it I enjoyed. To be honest, I don’t think I enjoyed much of it. Still, I find myself missing the person I was with, and I don’t know if I could honestly say I’d be happy to never speak to them again, despite all the problems that were there. Despite everything.

The weather isn’t raging though, and neither am I. It’s just rain with convenient timing, and the contract ending today is a coincidence. It’s one that I can consider as symbolic, poetic, representative, but all it is is a change of which I happen to be part of.

The rain is now coming down harder. The lull was nice. It’s funny that this is happening as I am writing. It’s funny, all of this. And it’s not. I think that, at the end of it all, I’m just really sad right now and immersing myself in that sadness, and that’s not healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to be getting on with my life. I don’t want to be having these coincidental things happening so neatly, because it;s annoying. Makes me feel like I should be miserable, or something.

But it all travels on and it all goes forward, and in a few hours I’ll be fine. I’ll be bored, trying to get work done and not getting anything done at all. I’ll try and I’ll continue on, and I’ll wonder about where the meaning lies and what meaning I have in my life, but nothing will work. Nothing will come through and then I’ll head on out maybe, say my goodbyes to one of my colleagues, then head on home. Get some rest. Have the new partner come around, and I’ll go to sleep. None of this matters. I’ll be comfortable again, and tomorrow I can go back through the whole process of enjoying a weekend without enough time to enjoy it in, and then I’ll get back to everything on Monday. New and old at the same time, and so on it goes. So on and forever more, until I’ll get a good sleep.

I think that, right now, it’s a little difficult for me to not be in this reflective state. Things are going good for me, but I’m still wound up. I’m still stressed, and I feel like nothing is actually changing and I’m stagnating. I don’t know if they are, but I feel that way. I’m sitting here and I don’t feel successful; I feel wanting, and I feel empty in a way. I feel like I’m trudging along to something I feel I should want, that I feel is expected of me to want, and I’m wondering where I’m meant to go from here.

The rain is getting quiet again, and that’s nice. That’s some relief. It’s meant to stop raining soon, anyway. Supposedly. It’s probably just moving elsewhere, and clouds will rearrange themselves, and the process continues ever onward. It’ll continue well after I’m gone, too. And that’s something nice at least. That’s something I can appreciate, and in a way, it makes me smile.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 15:53:71

I meant to get this up on Friday. Didn’t happen. There’s gonna be a few like that today, so brace yourself.

Friday was a very conflicted day for me and I think that shows in here. A bit of a mess. A bit of stretching, too.

Written at work.