I exhaled, then had to start again. It was a long exhale and it told me that I’m not doing well, as though I needed to be reminded further of my not doing well. It’s a long day and a quiet day and I’m drowning, so to speak. Just tired and worn out, and I want to go home and cry a lot and all that, but I have to maintain a brave face. I still have a lot of day to get through, and I still have to find a lot of things to fill the day with.

It keeps going, the day. I’m sitting in quiet, but it’s not quiet. I’m among reflective surfaces.

Why am I writing about this?

There was once a time when I believed in writing and the power of it as a form of art. The power of the word, the power of communication. Now I’m not so sure. I’m finding myself just worn out and downbeat, and I’m trying to get through the day in one piece, and there’s just so much more day to go. So much more day to live and all that.

It’s a tough day, mentally, but I still believe in writing. I still believe in having hope, and I still believe in looking toward the future.

That’s all there is to say, really. In a few weeks this will all be done and I’ll be in a different emotional state, I hope. A lot of things compounding at once that are causing me to feel like shit right now. Gonna have to make a tough decision soon, gonna have to work out how I write my essays going forward… gonna have to see what lies beyond tomorrow’s horizon. That’d be nice. That’d be cool. Maybe. I hope.

I had all these grand plans and right now I’m wallowing, but everything seems so out of reach. I’ve waited too long and I’m trying to catch back up, and I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can get to where I was hoping I would be, and that’s okay. I can accept that and I need to accept that. I need to keep on going forward and do my best and all those things that sound good. And I need to believe them.

I’ve been in a state of emotional distress over the past few days and it was brought on by someone else’s emotional distress. I’m just trying to get on with my life right now and I feel like I’m being smothered, but I have to keep going. There’s no other choice. And it’s right around here, where I’d be wrapping this up, but I’ve a little more to say this time. A few more words that will hopefully sound good.

Things are shit. Things are grim. It’s not looking good for us as a species, but we need to start working together and doing what we can, where we can if we’re gonna get to the other side of the mountain. Maybe it is impossible. Maybe we are a lost cause. Maybe the problems in your life are too big. It is still worth trying.

I’m doing my best right now to not give up. To not be defeated. I am chugging along and I’m not gonna stop, because there is so much out there that is beautiful. So much out there that is worth experiencing. Worth the time. Worth everything. What do I get if I give up now? I get to know that I give up now.

Right now I feel lonely. I feel alone. I feel isolated. It’s a horrible feeling. My friends are still out there. My family is still out there. There are people out there that care for you, even if it doesn’t feel that way. There are so many things out there that are worth seeing and worth pushing through all the pain and suffering and hopelessness of everything.

I don’t know what I’m saying here, exactly, but what I hope I am saying is: We have to keep going because nothing changes unless we do. There is no better tomorrow without change, and there is no better tomorrow without everyone included. It takes a lot of work. Sometimes everything is unbearable. Sometimes things just press down and crush, but we are all made of stronger stuff than we allow ourselves to believe.

Sometimes people need help, and so we help them. We help them get to a better position. But we don’t give up. We keep on going and we keep on striving. We do what we can, and we hold others to task. We do not give up on ourselves, either. Our strength lies in our ability to change and see change through. It doesn’t lie in detaching and sinking further and further.

I’m having a rough time, and I’m feeling hopeless, but I can’t give up on myself. I owe it to me to not lie in bed and hide myself from the world. I am feeling the weight today, and it’s just awful. I keep on crawling though, and maybe I’ll walk again tomorrow. If I walk tomorrow, maybe I’ll run the day after. And I’ll do what I can to hold myself and others to task. To be better people. To work toward making sure whomever comes tomorrow has more shade to rest under than I.

I suspect that a lot of the weight and stress we experience is related to the environment in which we live. Too developed, too structured, and it just keeps on going. Trees are removed, things disappear. The form of the world becomes colder and colder. We’re expected to treat this as a good thing, and there are benefits, but it is not a good thing. We have an obligation to look after each other and look after ourselves the best we can. We don’t get anywhere if we keep ignoring those who are suffering.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 14:27:81

I’ve had a very rough few days, and I’m coming through it all now which is great. At least, I feel I’m coming through it all. This bit of writing is heavily influenced by what I’ve been going through. I almost wrote about it yesterday, decided not to, and now have. Could read much better, I think.

Written at work.