Yesterday evening I started writing this thing about how I had nothing to write about, and I even couldn’t write about nothing, and it made me smile a bit. I think it made me smile as it meant that, even though I was still writing about something, there really was nothing left in me at that point, which still becomes something but… you know what I mean. I ended up scrapping it, however, as I was too tired to keep writing at that point. Too many nights of not enough sleep and all that builds up and yeah.

So I scrapped it. This morning I realised that there was something that I wanted to write about, but I forgot at the time, so the writing was being done based on a self-deception, and that’s all wrong and all that, but that thing is what I’ll write about next, because right now I’m feeling really down and that’s what’s going to come out as that seems to always shove everything out of the way.

Please consider this your warning to stop reading if you don’t want to read about someone being really sad, because this might get really heavy. I’m yet to find out.

There are some things that I’ve realised over the past few days, and a lot of it has to do with a pervading sense of loneliness and isolation. Many years ago I was fine with just heading out and doing things by myself, regardless of if I was single or in a relationship. I’d just go and do whatever, walk around a lot, those kinds of things, and I’d be fine. I’d try to go to gigs with others, but I’d occasionally go by myself. I went and saw Shin Godzilla by myself, though that took a bit of effort on my part. Probably should’ve recognised the loneliness then. But right now, I feel incredibly lonely and isolated.

I don’t mind doing stuff by myself, but I don’t like feeling like I have to do stuff by myself. I need time away from people. I need time to unwind. I need time to sort out my headspace. This isn’t unusual. I also realise that the older I’m getting, the more I find myself yearning for a connection with others that doesn’t rely almost solely on me to initiate.

This does leave me wondering what it is that I’ve done in order to put myself in this position. What am I doing that people won’t tell me? It also makes me wonder why people expect space for their own follies and foibles but won’t allow the same for others. I wish I could say that this is solely about me, but I see it happen so much, and it sucks. It’s tough.

Speaking about me though, too many people in my life seem to think I have it together, as though I’m some resilient person who can get through whatever and keep going. That is somewhat true, but I’ve been doing it tough for a while, and I don’t know how much fight is left in me. I don’t know if I have the endurance to keep persevering on my own. In relationships I’ve felt on my own. I’ve felt I’ve had to almost always be the strong one, and when I can’t, that’s when things have started going wrong, and it hurts so much. It hurts because I’ve felt I’ve had to carry so much emotional and mental weight for two people, and it hurts because there have been issues, but they’re seldom, if ever raised, in a way that isn’t a way that comes off as hurtful or rude or uncaring, but then I’m the one who is told that I’m those things when I’m at a point where I’m not doing well, or I need the other person to work on themselves as I can’t take on more.

The best communication I’ve had is in my current relationship, and I’m about to end it because whilst the communication is working and it’s great, the relationship itself isn’t working and it’s not the right time for either of us. And that sucks as I’m trying to not spiral, but this needs to be done.

I’m wondering how much of my independence has been more of a coping mechanism than it has been me just doing what I do and my being comfortable with it, because I’m finding it increasingly difficult to be alone at times. I used to spend so much of my time contacting others rather than the other way around, and I’ve spent so many days alone, either out or in a room, doing very little, and I don’t know how much more I can take.

I don’t know how much more I can handle giving other people the room to be fallible and struggle with their issues, but not have the same in return. Sometimes I just need to talk to a friend, but I don’t want to continually offload all my shit on the same few people. Sometimes I need to talk to someone else, or I need someone else of those few to just reach out and see how I’m going, ask me to hang out, just that sort of thing, because I’m not coping well. I’m not handling life and I’m not handling the loneliness.

And yeah, sure, everyone’s battle to fight is their own. I get it, I know it, and I’m not saying that. What I’m saying is that I just wish more people would show that they care. I’ve been told things that are wrong with me, but never really told what it is that people find to be an issue, but I can’t remember the last time those people actually checked on me.

I’m grateful for the few who do, but it’s all so tough. Don’t assume someone who is seen as resilient, is. Reach out, because they could be struggling and need someone to listen.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 18:18:11

Slower than I’d hoped, but it’s the way it goes sometimes.

This is not joyful reading. Heavy, sad stuff, and I don’t feel right sharing it. It’s what I feel at the moment though and it’s what’s going to come forward.

Written at home.