Waking up at four in the morning wasn’t great, but it happens. Choosing to stay awake instead of going back to sleep was, however, a bad idea. It’s not like I didn’t feel tired, either. I just chose to stay awake.

My thinking was that I’d get started on a productive day. Just give myself an hour or two to relax, take it easy, then go from there. Well, it’s now late into the afternoon and I’ve done nothing. I’ve paid the price for my own transgressions and I have no one to blame other than myself, and in this instance I am going to do nothing beyond blaming myself.

Well, I’m also going to get started on things, but other than that I’m not going to do anything else beyond the blaming of myself.

But yeah. What a day. What a loss. Sitting here trying to get started and failing miserably. It’s taken a lot of time and I’m now here, but at least I am starting. But I definitely have reckoned with my decision and I’ve felt I’ve let myself down. At the very least, someone is being let down. That’s a good thing. Or a bad thing. Or a thing.

So I get to sit here and crap on about how tired I am and about how I’ve screwed up by losing a day. I’ve still three more to plough through, howsoever. I can get back on track and getting back on track is what I intend to do… if I actually bother. I don’t know. I think I’d rather let the lack of sleep carry me away to wherever, and that wherever is likely to be somewhere down, sinking. Sinking into a deep sleep on a nice and comfortable bed of my choosing. One of the right materials and make and all of those other things, and that’d be quite exciting, actually. I could get behind that, or in front of that. It’s something I definitely could, but not always.

But yeah. Tired, carrying on, going forward one stumble at a time. Doing this in a brightened room as the light outside is not powerful enough to get inside enough to not warrant using the light at this particular time of the day, thus forcing my hand and so therefore I am forced to use the light if I want to not strain my eyes. This is not something I want to do as it means I have to admit defeat. The time of day has defeated me and now I can’t do much about that. I just have to keep on going, keep on hoping for the best.

But how can I hope for the best when the best is so far beyond me and my meagre understanding? How do I hope for something that I do not know. How dare I deign to hope for something greater than what I am, which is merely adequate?

I don’t know why I keep putting myself into this position. I don’t know why I allow myself to keep on having a certain feeling that leads to me thinking that the best is attainable in my life when all I will do is miss it. It’ll come to me and go “Hey, I’m the best” and I’ll just keep on walking by. I need to switch off my blind spots and switch on my seeing spots and actually use my eyes.

Alright so not that that bit of silliness is out of the way, I can focus on whichever is the next bit of silliness. It’s one of those things that is yet to be determined. I have no idea as to when it will arrive, and that’s even if it does arrive. There’s so many things getting in the way. So many things to consider. I have no idea. I am not a silliness detector… which is a lie because of reasons. Yes, reasons. I cannot go into them for other reasons that I also cannot get into, and it’s all a pointlessly complex web of things and events and other stuff that’s not worth getting into that makes it so, and so therefore I just need to go with it all, and so do you.

And anyway, who really wants to know why things are the way they are and lead to the things when really we just want to know the things at the end of it all? Who has the time for full and lengthy explanations that go nowhere, or could go somewhere? Who really has the time for that? I don’t think anyone does. We’ve got so much to get through every day and yet we are expected to listen to things that take precious seconds, minutes, or hours! And potentially a combination of the three. So don’t worry about the explanation. I’m not going to get into it as it’s just a waste of your time. It’s also a waste of my time.

This is not a place to waste time. This place is only a place to fill and use time efficiently and effectively. Wasting time is a waste of time and that’s not something I want to be doing to people, if I may be honest. We all have our days to get on with and we all have our evenings to return to, and there’s not much day left, anyway. That also means that soon I will be sleeping and sleep is the thing that I do so very much enjoy when I get it… if I get it.

It’s going to be a long night, or a short night, or roughly the length an average night is, and maybe I’ll sleep heavily and maybe I won’t. It doesn’t matter, anyway. What matters is that I am detecting the silliness between now and later, and I will find it somehow. I will come across it in some manner. I will come across it through the power of brilliant detection.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 11:32:31

Not the best work I’ve done, but I am happy with the result.

Written at home.