It’s still the afternoon and I’m still driven, so I might as well churn out some more. Might as well keep on going, try to find more space to churn out more words and drive, drive on to wherever it all leads.

I’ve been feeling like absolute shit for a good few weeks. Just rough, horrid, all those things. I’ve been feeling it and going through the motions. A lot of dark thoughts. A lot of potential no going backs, and I have to say, I’m glad I did not take those steps. But I’ve been in a retched state, my mind flipping and churning and tossing and taking me to places I don’t want to go. Places I never want to go to. But I’m still here,.

There are a lot of rough times in my life, and I’ve gotten through them all. It doesn’t get easier, but it doesn’t get more difficult, either. The way to handle them changes, and if you’re not handling them in a healthy way, then they are going to get more intense over time, unless you’re lucky, in which case, I’m glad you are.

I can sit here and say this without much issue as I feel I’m fine, but there’s a good change that I’;m not out of the woods as of yet. There’s a good chance that I still have a long way to go to get through it all and keep on going. But you know, there’s no point in stopping, for me. There are some who will over time, and that’s tragic, but there are reasons why they choose to exit early. And you try and help, but if they choose to do that, they are not selfish. They are struggling and have come to a point where they genuinely believe that it is for the best. But you have to try where you can, because these are people who deserve better in their lives.

We all deserve better, really, and perhaps we do not allow ourselves enough to get better. It’s never as good as we want it. And we should make sure it is better for others. Life, that is. There’s too much shit, too much suffering. Too much pain and misery that we let slide on by for no good reason, and I don’t know why we keep letting it happen. It doesn’t make sense to me.

It’s always good to try and help others where you can. I’ve had some frie3nds help me through the absolute shit I’ve been through, and especially over the last year and the last few weeks. But I was doing awfully, and it was tough.

It was tough to get through all of that heavy emotion, all that weighted pain that I was carrying upon myself. As said just before, there’s a good chance I still have a long way to go, but I’m getting there. If I’m not fine now, I’m getting there.

It’s all a journey and all that other crap that people say, but the thing is it feels more like an ordeal. A constant raining down of rage and ruin, and pain blossoms like nothing else. It just keeps on going and you’re pressed down, crushed, subjugated by what’s affecting you. It just keeps going and it doesn’t stop, and it’s tiring. It’s so incredibly tiring, but you have to keep going if you can. And that’s what I’ve done and that’s what I’m continuing to do.

To speak a bit more personally, I’m going through the process of getting a mental health plan organised. It’ll help, I hope.

To speak a bit more personally. As though this already isn’t quite personal.

But I got lucky. I got lucky in getting at least to a point where I can write the way I’m writing right now. Where I can churn out words like tomorrow is not coming. Where I can get things done. There are so many people who aren’t lucky in that regard. So many people forgotten about because they’re fine, no need to check up on them. But you need to check up on people. You need to make sure that they are okay. There are so many who aren’t and there are so many who see things like R U Okay? day as a chance for people to make incredibly token gestures, and it doesn’t help. You need to actually check on people. Check on your friends.

What if the reason your friends’ attitudes are getting a bit iffy is that they’re going through hell? What if it’s because they’re suffering and no one checks in on them and instead all that people do is react? Sometimes it’s fucking hard to reach out to people. Sometimes it feels like the hardest thing in the world, and yeah, we have an obligation to seek help where we can, but we also have an obligation to make sure the people in our lives are okay. And maybe they are, which is awesome. And maybe they aren’t, and your reaching out of your own accord just to check in on someone is what might’ve given them the little bit they needed to be able to go reach out and seek help.

This stuff can become too much to hear, that is true. We still try where we can. We try and we keep going, and we keep working at it.

Sometimes I feel so worn down and broken. Sometimes I feel hopeless about where my life is going, and sometimes I crash. Sometimes I don’t see a way out. I’m lucky. I’m lucky I’ve got the people in my life that care about me and are there for me when I need them and there for me when I don’t. I’m lucky that I get to see them and talk to them, and I’m lucky that I’m not spiraling right now. But it’s early days. Always is, and so I just need to keep on going.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 14:24:79

Bit slower, bit more thoughtful. Still a mess. I think I’m getting across what I was hoping to get across, however.

Written at home.