Alright, so yesterday was meant to be the last day of Stupidity Hole. Fifteen years, a bunch of long writings, and then the fifteen year thing, and then a farewell post, and that would be that. That’s not how it happened, and in the weeks leading up I figured it would be better to just do the fifteen year celebration, then do a farewell post today. You know, the party happens and then the day after is the day you say your goodbyes. I figured that’d make the thing a bit less of a downer, and also give some time to wind down from celebrating.

In the last week I was umming and ahhing about this, because it had become apparent to me that I didn’t have enough time. Lack of sleep is incredibly debilitating, and it’s how I’ve spent most of my life functioning. I have no idea how, and I’ve never liked the fact that I’m able to just be awake and keep going when I need more sleep. It has been an incredibly unhealthy endeavour and it has gotten in the way of so many things.

So, essentially, what I’m saying is that there are a few more days of Stupidity Hole.

This is to give me time to tidy everything up and then bring everything to a close the way I want to. I know I won’t be able to get everything I want to get done done, but I will be able to get enough, and that’s what’s important to me at the moment.

There are so many things I have sitting here that I’ll now be able to clear. I’m not doing any more photo challenges as my participation in those has wrapped up the best I can wrap them up given my state of health and fatigue. I don’t quite have the mental capacity to keep participating in those, especially when I was meant to wrap everything up yesterday.

To be honest, part of me feels bad about extending the blog for a few more days. Part of me just wants to have it over now, but this is, in my view, the right decision to make. I’m still ending things on my terms and I’m ready to drop it, but I want things to at least be as complete as I can make them. I want to know that I did all that I can and then walk away from it all. So that’s what I’m going to do. Just a few more days, and hopefully not more. If I did everything the way that I want to and everything works out, then I know which day I’ll have everything ended and it’s not far off.

So I’ve got that all said and I wanted to spend the rest of this bit of writing talking about the need for sleep and how it has affected my ability to function throughout  life.

I generally sleep well, but I don’t sleep enough. I’ve never thought that I don’t need much sleep (as far as I’m aware, I haven’t thought that), and I’ve quite often wanted more than I get. It’s getting worse, and I know what I need to do to get more sleep, so I’m working on it the best that I can, but these things take time.

The last few weeks have been incredibly awful for lack of sleep. I wonder how I’ve managed to survive as long as I have, but especially over the last few weeks. I know I’ve gotten through things, but I have no idea as to how I’ve managed to survive at the same time. I’ve been barely functional. I’m still going, but it’s been incredibly tough.

So I’m fortunate to be sitting here, away from home, resting right now. I’ sitting here with my partner, they’re reading, I’m writing and I feel alright, but I can feel how tired I am, and it’s just heavy. Years of lack of sleep. Years of chugging along, trying to survive and get through everything. I’ve lost a lot to this blog, and I’ve lost a lot to lack of sleep.

My concentration at work has gotten worse as I’ve become more fatigued. My ability to get around and just walk, or make music, or write, or do anything I enjoy has become more of a struggle from the lack of sleep. I still function at a base level. I still get things done. It’s constantly a fight, however, and I’m having to just keep fighting. Keep pushing against what my body desires to get through each day. To get through has been tough. It has been increasingly draining.

My mental health has suffered a lot, and the lack of sleep has exacerbated a lot of issues there. It’s a cumulative thing, too. You feel it more and more, and it gets stronger and stronger, and it just keeps spiraling. It keeps getting worse.

Having the energy or the enthusiasm to go anywhere decreases. This then compounds with not wanting to be in the house and you can see where this all goes.

Essentially, not getting enough sleep sucks. It’s hard. It’s difficult. Choosing to not sleep is not an admirable thing. This really fucks over your life hard if you’re not careful, and even if you are, there’s no guarantee.

This feels a bit like a panic post, but that’s not what I’m trying to get across. What I want to say is that, if you are losing a lot of sleep, start spending time working out why and applying what you can to get more sleep in a reasonable way. Start working on finding a balance and work toward that, and get into a healthier state. Your body will thank you for it. So will your mental health. Good sleep consistently goes a long way. It’s not always easy, but it’s something worth striving for.

Look after yourself. As far as I’m aware, you only have one life.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 13:42:24

Decent speed and got across what I wanted to, so I’m happy with the result.

Written at Killara.