Stupidity Hole

I’ve about eleven minutes before I need to get back to work and I’ve remembered what it was that I wanted to say earlier, but forgot about saying so I’m gonna see if I can say it now.

I’m thinking about how this year has gone, and how fucked it has been, and how fantastic it has been in some ways. But I’m also thinking about how there are things that I’ve wanted to achieve in this final year of the blog and how those things have gone by the wayside. It’s rough, because I had a number of goals and I was ready to hit them, but it didn’t happen. But sometimes that’s just the way things go. Sometimes you start something off and you have to give it up, and that’s okay. I think I’ll survive, somehow. In some way. Don’t know why, but I suspect.

That’s really all I had to say, but I think I can expand upon that. I think I can expand upon that without saying much of anything because I don’t want to reveal anything, just in case. But you know. Anyway.

I had particular writing goals that I wanted to achieve, and I still can if I am willing to cram hard. That’s not something I’m willing to do, but I think I can get some of it done. But I don’t know if it is worth it. It’s been a rough year and it has led to a lot of gazing at the old navel, and that’s okay, but that’s not how I want to be writing at the moment. I want to be crafting things and things are not what I’m crafting. But I can get back on track still. I can, at least, try to finish strong. If I can do that, then maybe things will be okay as I wrap everything up here. There’s still six-ish months to go, so that’s plenty of time.

I’m thinking about everything I’ve written on this blog. I’m thinking about how much of this was initially driven just by the desire to write and it took off after getting dumped way back, and now I’m here, and things are similar, but I’m sort of getting past the despair. Sort of. It’s tough. It’s hard, but I’m seeing someone else now, and that’s okay. That’s nice, but it’s also something I don’t want to write about. I didn’t write about my recent partner for many years, and only dropped in some bits and pieces here and there, and I was okay with that. Then suddenly this all became about her and how I felt, and I don’t like that.

Ages ago I said that I’d be writing some pretty uncomfortable stuff and that never happened, but a lot of this has been uncomfortable for me, and not because it’s a frank examination (which it isn’t much of), but because so much of this lacks the tact and grace required to get things across in a way that might mean something to someone else. It has gotten in the way of my goals, and that’s fine. Just sometimes I do wish I had a stronger ability to ignore some things, but matters of the heart will take precedence in my life whether I want them to or not, and so I just need to go with where they go, whether I want them too or not.

I’m trying to be grateful for the good times and the bad times, because they’ve helped me become a better person, albeit perhaps too late, but at this point I’m fine with that relationship ending because it’s led to so many positives in my life, even if it can be difficult to accept some of them. At the very least I am doing okay and I am writing again, and soon I’ll be pushing out a lot of words; far more words than necessary, and I’ll probably burn out hard by the end of it all, but then I’ll have my rest. I’ll have my break.

To be honest, I could probably end the blog right now and be fine with it, but I want to complete one thing, and that’s fifteen years of this verbal spewing. It wasn’t always as busy as this and there has been a lot of stuff written that I don’t like, but it has been a time. A mixed time full of questions and crap, and sometimes some good. But that’s the way it goes sometimes. You don’t get to win them all if you are as stubborn as I am and, like me, lack the skill to warrant that stubbornness. But that’s okay.

So I’m wondering if I can achieve my goals. I’m wondering if I can get there. I don’t know and maybe I also don’t care. I’m going to try, but I’m okay with not succeeding, so long as I make it to the fifteen year anniversary. If I make it to that, then I’ll be fine. But if I don’t, I’ll also be fine.

Soon I’ll be writing more in other spaces and I’ll keep going in those spaces. I’ll drive on and and get them working, and who knows where they lead?

I’m writing like I am ending this space now, but I promise I’m not! This is just what’s on my mind right now. I’ve a moment of clarity and I’m stretching it beyond any form of reasonable amount of writing, and I’m fine with that, too. I’m fine with a lot of things, and I feel hopeful and despairing, and optimistic. I’ll be glad once this is all done, and once this is all done I’ll have far more time on my hands.

So… I said what I wanted to say and now that I’ve said it, I guess I need to move toward whatever else is floating about. I’m sure I’ll work it out soon enough, and churn out more crap once I do.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 12:37:44

From a few days ago, and it’s okay. I’ve written better stuff, but once again this feels like something that’s right for right now.

Written at work.