Finding You part 2

At this point it had reached to the start of last week and my resolve started to falter. I was sleeping on a small pile of thin mattresses (the bed belonged to my ex) and I wanted to get out of the bedroom I was in so I could pay less rent so I wouldn’t be forced into a position of choosing between eating or having a roof over my head. Je wanted my room but so did our other housemate (Al). Al works long hours and doesn’t get to be home much unfortunately, so I was feeling a fair bit of pressure in regards to what was going to happen.

My ex’s mother was talking to me at this stage, advising me that she still wanted to be my friend. This was a gesture that I appreciated immensely but I wasn’t sure if it was token or not. Considering I had been a bit of a jerk-ass to her daughter, I was apprehensive.

Anyway, I called her on Tuesday and had a minor meltdown about the rent situation. I was at uni when this happened and I was waiting for the results of a mid-semester test that I was expecting to fail miserably so I was quite stressed. It was… not dashing to say the least.

Shortly after that conversation, I received my test results and did not fail as badly as I thought I was going to.This was a massive relief and left me feeling like a little bit of pressure had been removed from my shoulders.

When I got home I spoke to Na again. The conversation was a little less one-sided for a change.

However, I still recognised that I need a lot more work to change that aspect around.We talked a bit about my ex as well as Na herself and what she has to deal with at the moment.

It gave me a bit more resolve to persevere with what I’d set in front of myself.

A little later on I received a message from my ex’s mum advising that she had been thinking my ex had a duty of care regarding covering rent for a month and that she was going to speak to her about it.It was certainly a nice gesture, but I let her know that I didn’t think my ex should and I would work out the situation. We ended up talking on the phone a bit later on in the evening and I reiterated my stance. I told her my rent problem stemmed from the ability to swap rooms with Al so I could pay less rent. Al was in the small room of the house and I was in a larger one, which as far as I was aware he was happy to take. However, Je wanted to change rooms as well, so this is something that needed to be settled with them. The major problem that stems here is that because Al works longer hours and finishes later, it was not something we could organise immediately and if we weren’t able to sort it out quickly, I was going to be incredibly poor for a while. I reassured my ex’s mum that I was going to be fine and sort it out.

I also told her that she shouldn’t feel obligated to talk to me because she feels sorry for me, especially as I had treated her daughter poorly. She advised me that she wanted to still be my friend and also that she was going to be a bit of a mother to me, at least until I am back on my feet (the mother thing is a long story). I was pretty happy with that. It meant I could show her that I was worth being around and make it up to her (in my eyes), but I still did not believe it wasn’t anything other than she felt sorry for me.
Either way, it’s an opportunity I can work with.

Wednesday flew by for the most part. It was a standard work day. By the time I came home, I worked on some music then headed out again for my first parkour session.

Specifically, this was body conditioning.One of my ex’s friends (Drew) had invited me to come along and it was something I had been intending to do for a while so I jumped on the opportunity.

Admittedly it was hard. It had been a while since I did exercise beyond cycling and my shoulder, knee and foot didn’t help matters but I was able to pull through a bit in the end. This helped strengthen my resolve more and pull me a bit back from feeling miserable, but this didn’t last long and by the time I got home, whilst feeling alright with myself, I was on a down again, despite refusing to acknowledge it.
When I got home, I spoke to Je a bit. He had advised me that my ex asked him why I had told her mum that she should cover rent for a month. Please note that this is not quoted verbatim. I can’t remember the exact wording, but it was along those lines.I was taken aback by this, so I showed Je the messages exchanged with her mother, to which he then advised my ex that it was a miscommunication.

Now, my ex and her mother are very close. However, I thought that due to how long we’d been with each other, she would have a bit more trust in me than that. I imagine though that she has probably also been fairly stressed about the break up, but I doubt I’ll ever find out the truth.

You know how sometimes when you’re going through a tough time in some manner, usually romance related and you’ll come across a song you haven’t heard that hits you really hard with all the pain you’ve been feeling all at once, making you hurt really badly but at the same time comforting you and making you feel alright about the future and your position in life? Well, I came across that song.

On Thursdays I finish work early to go to uni. I hadn’t been able to focus since the break up (other than managing to get a few song ideas done), so I came home straight from work. I saw that Ewe and Si were home so I hung out with them for the rest of the afternoon. I had booked annual leave for the weekend, starting with Friday, to celebrate my 3 year anniversay with my ex as well as her birthday but for reasons somewhat within my control, that didn’t come to fruition, so I decided to instead spend the weekend cleaning and hopefully studying.

Anyway, whilst hanging out with them, we were listening to JJ. I heard a song on there by The Go-Betweens called Finding You.

Later that evening, I went to listen to the song on Youtube to hear it again but I could not locate it.

I decided to give a cover version by Ed Kuepper a go and… well… it hit. Really hard. It sent a lot of emotion through me all at once and I felt very pained by what I was going through. It made me feel very bitter about my situation and my inability to change things around instantly. I felt powerless to change my ex’s mind and have her at least sit down with me to talk things through and work things out. I didn’t feel strong enough in my ability to keep pushing on regardless of the odds and at least show her that I’m worth it, as well as her family and Na. But at the same time it gave me the drive to keep pushing on and see my situation through all the way. It made me fully embrace the idea of becoming a better person for myself more than anyone else. It made me really want to earn what I wanted to earn. And although it made me fully realise that there was probably no chance of being with my ex again, it made me decide that I had to keep on fighting regardless of the chances because I wanted to show her that I can make her happy in a relationship with me, despite how hard I would have to work to achieve that.

It’s now Wednesday and I’m going home from work before heading to my 2nd parkour session. I’ve begun letting go of a lot more negative things that I’ve let hold me back. Admittedly it is hard and I do think I have a bit of separation anxiety with what I’m dropping, but I can’t stop. I know I’m allowed to fall, but I need to make sure to get back up. I’ve noticed my attitude is changing a lot, mostly in minor ways but it’s happening.

Turning my thought processes away from sheer negativity is very difficult,  but if I can at least reach a balance between the positive and negative, that’s another small victory.

I haven’t spoken to my ex since the Monday after the break up and I’m not sure when I should attempt contact, but I’ll try again. I’ll keep it as civil as possible when it happens as there’s still a bunch of her stuff at the house. Enitrely small items, but they are still hers.

I feel I’ve been a heavy burden to my friends during this period as well. Especially to Si and Ewe. I’m glad they are supportive of my want to improve and try for another chance with my ex again and will help me become a better person, but I can’t help but feel I’m bogging them down with my crap at times. But the fact that not only them but my other friends are supportive and still my friends makes me feel so lucky to have them in my life.

To be honest, I’m very scared. There are a lot of hurdles I have to jump to even have the smallest chance of success and if I pull it off, I’m certain we’d have to start at the beginning again. But I’ve thought a lot about it and I’m done letting all the good things walk out of my life all the time. I may be young and foolish, but I truly believe my ex is the most amazing person I’ve ever had in my life. She made me happy with just a smile, no matter my mood. She gave me hope about my future. She’s done a lot for me. I have to show her that I can be a better man. I have to show her that I’m worth it. Even if I still fail at the end of the day, I still have to show her that.

I have to try.

I just have to.

About Stupidity Hole

I'm some guy that does stuff. Hoping to one day fill the internet with enough insane ramblings to impress a cannibal rat ship. I do more than I probably should. I have a page called MS Paint Masterpieces that you may be interested in checking out. I also co-run Culture Eater, an online zine for covering the arts among other things. We're on Patreon!
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