It’s yet to be midday and I feel as though I’m on a roll, though I haven’t done much. I’m writing tedium and boredom and that really isn’t much at this point. Still, there are plenty of things to cover along the way and, if I can get all my writing done before midday, then I can get a lot of other things done this afternoon.

It’s still quiet outside and there’s a gentle breeze flowing through my window. I’m listening to gentle music and I’m sitting here, doing things. I’m living inside a room without enough light, but right now it feels fine. Right now it feels appropriate. That’s nice. I can live with this.

Some days are easier than others. Some days are hard. Some are unbearable. Not my first time being dumped. Don’t know if it’ll be my last. I do know that I’ll get through this. I’ll get through something and, at the end of it all, I’ll be okay. Maybe. I know I’ll be okay in some aspect. Hopefully it’s regarding employment and having a roof over my head mainly, but we’ll see. If I can get something out of all of this, so long as it’s something I can work with I’ll be okay. Or rather, I’ll have one less thing to worry about.

Too many things to worry about at the moment, and not enough time spent enjoying things. Too much difficulty, still needing to push on through it all. What’s new. And so on and so forth and that’s how it all goes, really. I’m trying to not think about how this is a rather unpleasant trifecta, but of course I’m  going to think about it. I keep going back to everything that’s happened over the last six-ish weeks, because very little before then has relevancy, beyond leading up and contributing to getting dumped. Fun times.

But I don’t want to keep going back to all of that. I could be heading off into The Blue Mountains, driving around and trying to find things I haven’t seen before. I could be trying to find new experiences and I could still be writing. I mean, I am writing right now, but I could be working on articles to publish. I could be finishing music off. I could be sitting on my verandah, reading a book and drinking some tea and just relaxing a bit more, even if I was still concerned about upcoming work. It’s a tough time. Obviously I’m talking about things that are luxuries in a sense, but I can’t spend much time doing them because my mind wanders back and the mood is cut away and replaced with a cloud forcibly attaching itself.

But, I’m still alive. I have to remind myself that I still have some time. It’s heavily limited, but I have it. I can do something about where I am at the present moment. I can turn things around, but I need other people to agree that I’m worth the time.

Job interviews is where I really need it to happen. That’s where things are toughest. I can sit one and I can do my best in one. I can be relaxed in one. Getting others to decide I’m the ideal candidate, however, is where they’re tough. Not having it happen makes things more difficult because it’s another notch in a list of issues that are exacerbating the main ones. Still, one has to keep on trying and keep on working on things in order to get to where they want to be, and one has to hope that others along the way agree with said trying.

So… what now? What else can I say? It’s still a nice day outside and I’ll probably get some mowing done this afternoon. My life is a mix of the mundane and the terrifying at the moment, though the mundane can be terrifying. Not in this instance. It feels like I’m expected to deal with my issues as effectively as possible whilst also functioning as an adult not going through what I’m going through. There are worse things to be dealing with, but this is rough and, as is standard, I need a break from everything. I need time to compress and unwind, and once more that’s not what I’ll be getting. But I’ll survive. I’ll persevere. Maybe.

I mean, I will survive and persevere, but maybe I’ll be successful at the end of it all. That I don’t know. I have my doubts, but one tries. One keeps on trying, mainly because I’ve got little choice in the matter.

But today is nice. Today is pleasant, and it’s a day where I need to get stuff done and will get stuff done. I am getting things done and I’m taking it easy and I’m circling around and I’m not feeling the most stressed at the moment. Maybe it’s due to some sort of magical power that I’ve managed to bring forth. I don’t know. Waves and all that, as they say. But I’ll keep going for now and I’ll keep trying to get done what I can get done. I’ll get it all done by the end of it all, but then there will be more things and that’s the way it all goes.

I’ve said it a few times, but I don’t want to be talking about these things. I don’t want to be talking about how I feel right now as it’s obvious and I’ve said it enough. But it keeps coming forward and that’s what forces itself out of me. What do I do? What can I say? But I can work with it. I can work toward better understanding, and I can work toward getting closer to turning it into something beneficial in some way. I don’t know how at the present moment, but I know it can happen and I know that I can make it happen, so maybe from here, it will happen.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 14:31:59

Could be longer.

Written at home.