I’m photographing my first gig in a couple of months tonight. Still not sure if the drive is back in me, but I want to do this tonight… so I’m doing it. I’m also asking myself questions, because of course I am.

Do I still have it in me? Am I able to do good work? Has my work ever been good? I ask and I wonder, and I don’t know. I am filled with doubt, and I know I shouldn’t be. I know I should be fine. I know there will be good photos, but I’m not confident there will be.

I know I’m not too old to keep doing this, but maybe I’m too far behind. Maybe now is the time to put things down, let go, move on. I don’t know. I’ll be there and I’ll take photos, but something in me is hesitant. Something is telling me to not and just go home instead, and I don’t want to listen to that. I want to go out and do it, but I have to wonder.

I’ve had so much bitterness and frustration over the photo scene in Sydney. The eternal praise and subsequent ignoring that comes with it, and that shouldn’t deter me. That shouldn’t leave me wanting to stop. That shouldn’t leave me hesitant to continue. I wonder if my identity with the camera was, in part, tied to my relationship. I didn’t start doing gig photography until I was in it, and I’ve only photographed one other gig since getting dumped. Maybe there’s just too much in there for me to keep feeling something from it. I don’t know.

These are thoughts that are worth having, but I also have to be willing to explore them, find out if there is a way past and I don’t know if I actually am ready. I don’t know if I’m ready to let go and move on, but I also don’t know if I’m able to continue. The gear sits with me and sit where I want it and I do use it, but I’m not using it in the way I used to and I get some spikes here and there, but the passion doesn’t persist.

It all feels hopeless and I’m filled with doubt, but I’m forcing myself to photograph tonight. I’m forcing myself past my holding myself back. Even if it lacks passion or drive, I’m going to do my best. I owe the artist that much, and I’m sure I’ll be fine once I get into the swing of things, but I wonder if I have any good years left, and I’m going to be wondering for a while. I’m going to be wondering for a while, and maybe I’ll find an answer. Maybe I won’t, but I do know something will change. Maybe not in terms of action, but in my thinking. But whilst I have these questions, I’ve got to go photograph a gig and that’s what I’m gonna do.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:42:54

Surface heavy.

Written at work.