On Friday I was at yoga. Bit different, but moving days around, trying different classes. It was fine; it was enjoyable. Gotta stick to it, gotta keep to a routine. Trying to keep to a routine, which at the moment is at least once a week. But gotta see and gotta keep going as much as I can.

Anyway, I was at yoga, and I felt like bawling my eyes out. Felt like losing it. Didn’t, kept going, got through it, left, went home. But it made me think about things. It made me think about how I wanted to be doing this with my ex and it wasn’t happening then and isn’t happening now. But that’s what I have to live with.

Went home, went to sleep late, woke up early, started gaming. My habit is getting out of hand in the way it had years and years and years ago, but this was to play with friends. But I kept going way too long after they wrapped. I got some gardening done which is good, but not much of anything else. Oh, there was washing. And I felt like my life was slipping out of view, or perhaps it had a long time ago. I don’t know at this stage. But it was a day of nothing and that’s how it was.

Come Sunday and I’m hanging with friends, doing board games and relaxing a bit, having fun. Taking it easy, or at least trying to take it easy. One tries the best they can when they can. I was there and I was involved and it was just enjoyable. But I could imagine my ex being there and enjoying it, and it would have been fun. Maybe not more fun, but definitely not less fun. But it was a good time, but that longing is hitting hard.

Last night I prepared my stuff for work today. Planned to ride again, didn’t get enough sleep again. But this morning I still hopped on the bike. Took a shorter route, headed to Tempe station.

The ride was rough, in part due to the lack of sleep, but it was good. It felt like a lifting of sorts. It felt good, even if it wasn’t good in the moment. I was moving again. I wasn’t still. I was heading somewhere necessary, but not somewhere that is important to me at the present moment.

So much of my life has been spent wondering about what I’m doing and where I’m going, and right now a lot of it is spent wondering when my desire and passion will come back to me. I don’t know when or if, but that I was able to hop onto my bike and get to work is a step after a bit of backsliding. I didn’t have to force myself, but I had to push myself, but it wasn’t too hard to do so, and that’s good for me. After the heaviness, it was necessary relief.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:41:92

Bit slow, but necessary. Messy, but necessary.

Written at Dirty Red.