What a fucked year.

Whilst it hadn’t been going well at the time, I didn’t expect my long-term relationship to come to an end, and I didn’t expect being unable to navigate it properly at the time due to the sudden addition of needing to find somewhere else to live whilst looking for a new work contract. I didn’t expect to repeatedly console my ex about the break-up, including a few times on the day she moved out, and I didn’t expect my ex to then go really cold and a bit rude. I also didn’t expect her to ask if I was gaslighting her and claim she was accountable for her actions, then proceed to gaslight me and leave me with the majority of the cleaning work where we lived. Work that needed to be done or the bond that wouldn’t be returned.

I got through that, and in talking to people it has become apparent that I was in an abusive relationship. I could’ve been a much better partner and my ex didn’t do anything intentionally, but she was abusive and I’m glad I’m not with he anymore.

I got through that. I had a few times where I came close to committing suicide, and at the end of it all I came out okay. Slowly got back on track with my life. Started seeing someone else, too, which was unexpected and I’m pretty happy about. Early days, but I’m happy.

I’m also pretty ragged. I got through a bad year in one piece and I’m happy, but I’m drained. I’m tired. Been through better, but also I’ve been through worse.

Since the break-up earlier this year, my interest in creating has slowly crept back. Not yet completely back, but it’s getting there. Had some ideas for things that I want to work on, too. New things.

So I’m sitting here, feeling ragged. Haven’t written in a week and I almost didn’t come back. I didn’t miss this space, but I’m working toward wrapping it up, and that’s nice. What was also nice was losing a few friendships. Once the sadness passed, I found myself much less stressed without them in my life.

But yeah; this year has been one of slowly getting back to where I was before everything went out the window. Still going and nearly there, but need to put in a good deal of work from here, and I can do it and I want to do it, so I’m doing it. I’m going to get back into photography as much as I can. Going to work on the essays I’m working on, too. Just going to keep going. Work on music, do more drawing, write more of space and the sky and the ocean, and what paths lead where. I’ve a lot to cover and I’ve only so much life to live.

I’m sitting here, writing, missing the road. I’m going to sleep after this. Need it quite badly. Need rest. I want to be moving, and more on that tomorrow. Tomorrow, the new year, in where I’ll say the same old things but I’ll say them in the same old ways. I’ll get there eventually, and it’ll be tomorrow when I do. Tomorrow is a new day and it’s when I’ll be getting into high gear as I head on down to the end of this space.

It feels a bit odd to say what I’m about to say, as it’ll be the last time I say it. A bit sad, too, but I’m also excited. Ragged, but excited. Excited for tomorrow. Excited for the next few months. Empty, burned out, ragged, and sad. But also happy and excited.

2026? Bring it on.