Thinking about how the day is progressing, and if it is progressing at all. Been in a bit of a state of distress since yesterday. Just totally overwhelmed. I’m kicking on, however. Trying to look forward to tomorrow. Trying to get out from underneath it all, and I am getting there. I’m getting out, and I am continuing on.

There are times where I wonder if people understand that they treat my like an emotional punching bag. Or rather, if they understand that I feel they treat me like an emotional punching bag, because that’s how I feel. I listen and listen and listen, and when I get to a point where I cannot take something and say that something is a lot, it turns into an argument. And I know, this could be a problem with me. It could very well be, in not setting boundaries and allowing myself to be there for everyone. But it also happens time and again, where I will set a line at some point when I need space, and then it turns back on me in some way.

I’m not trying to say that it happens maliciously or vindictively, and that does sound far more aggressive than it actually is. Rather, it happens when things turn. Maybe an argument then starts because I was then seen as blunt or harsh and then I’m spending a lot of time explaining what I felt the issue was or was not, and that something was too much at a particular moment. And on it goes, and the people disappear. I’m then the problem.

There are people who have told me some pretty fucked up things. There are people who have told me things that could be considered slander and lead to them not being able to work in their field again. These people aren’t in my life anymore. They were willing to tell me some nasty stuff about others, but they wouldn’t tell me when they found issue with me, and that hurts. It hurts because I keep asking people to, no matter what, tell me if something is wrong.

People seem to think that everyone should just know something. That everyone should be perfect, and then they don’t put the effort into the relationship. They claim they do. They claim that they keep coming through instead of giving up, but part of work is communication, and not communicating like an asshole. Not saying shitty things and then deciding that, because someone gets upset about the shitty things, they can’t say anything anymore. The process there is to speak to the person, find out what about it is upsetting them, find a better way forward, because that’s what good communication is about. It is about being accountable, and working toward a solution that you and the hurt person can agree upon.

Another part of good communication is not offloading heavy stuff upon them without them being either ready or able to hear it. And sometimes people will keep doing this. They will keep offloading, despite being advised of its heaviness, and then when it comes to it, when someone sets a barrier, it ends up becoming an issue. And this is not a good way to communicate.

I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I’m a punching bag. I don’t have the time for this anymore. I don’t have the time to keep dealing with people just doing this. People need to vent. They need care, they need community. They need to also work on themselves, and I get that things get heavy at times. Things get overwhelming, but you still need to do what you can for yourself.

People are more often than not willing to hear someone out. People care. But you can’t expect someone to be fine with being told of really heavy stuff time and again without it becoming distressing. You can’t expect someone to be fine with coming to help you where they can, only for you to disappear when they are going through shit. It’s not cool. It’s not friendly. Friends aren’t there to serve you.

So I’m sitting here and I’m trying to enjoy what remains of my lunch, but I’m just so burned out. I’m fried and I’m coming down from tension and distress, and it’s taking time. I need to relax and breathe, and I’m trying, but it’s hard. It’s tough. But I’m trying.

What else can I say? I think quite a few people see themselves as empathetic when they actually aren’t. I think quite a few people aren’t willing to admit that they don’t actually care about those around them, but rather how they are perceived. They don’t understand that other people are actually alive and conscious, and have their own lives. They might say something like “They don’t have to listen if they don’t feel like it” or something along those lines, and sure, people don’t, but there are people who do care. There are people out there who want to make sure others are okay and want to listen. It shouldn’t be one way.

If someone who you’ve offloaded to is going through a tough time, don’t abandon them. Don’t also offload onto them without making sure you’re working on yourself and they’re ready to listen. Think about how you put things forward. Think about what you’re expressing and how you’re expressing it. Learn and grow.

If you have a friend who is saying stuff that’s concerning to you, speak to them about it. Maybe they aren’t aware of what their saying being concerning. Maybe they aren’t aware of hurt they may be causing. You can’t expect people to just grow and be the best person ever all the time. It’s a ridiculous way to view things.

Anyway, that’s all I have to say in this rant. I’m hurting and tired, and I’m over feeling a certain way. I’ve life to deal with, and I’m trying as much as anyone else.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 18:32:11

Slower than I hoped. I was trying to be careful with my words on this one as it felt overwhelming to write. It’s probably putting out far more negative energy than I’d like.

Written at work.