Stupidity Hole

Fighting to stay awake. No cycle today. No riding of the bike. Perhaps tomorrow.

Last night, went to bed. Anxiety went right up. Not enough sleep. Here at work, doing the dance, fighting to stay awake and functioning. But it’s nice outside. It’s nice outside, I’m inside, and we’ve got that all out of the way now so now I can get to the other things, as one does. Excellent.

I feel as though sometimes the day doesn’t keep on going, but you do. Wait. No, I don’t think that at all. Or do I? I don’t know. Everything is indecisive, and everything is spread out across a thousand sprinkles shimmering under a discoloured sky. How it all goes, sometimes. I feel I’m fading and I feel that, perhaps, I just need a good sleep. It’s not what I got last night and I’m feeling it.

Maybe wondering if I’m intentionally setting myself up to not succeed in my goals was a bad idea. I don’t know, but it did hurt, and I find myself missing the comfort of another’s arms. I’m missing being able to just collapse, even though I haven’t felt I can for years, and it’s tiring. I’m tired of feeling like I have to be strong, even though it’s much easier now. but that’s the way things go.

I can see clouds drifting along outside. I can see clouds carried by currents, and I too wish I could just drift right now.

What am I saying? What am I doing? There’s so much day to go still and I don’t have the time to be tired. That’s what I’m telling myself, anyway.

There are times when you’re gonna feel down and there are times when you aren’t. For me, I’m feeling pretty down right now, but I know that I’d rather feel down about things right now in the situation I’m in than whilst in a relationship where I’m feeling lonely, which is what was happening. But it’s still hard right now.

But I’m beating myself up, I guess, or rather reinforcing the hurt that I’m feeling and that isn’t a good thing. I think I just need a break from everything. Maybe that’ll happen sooner rather than later. Don’t know, don’t want to know, don’t want to find out, really. Rather be surprised, but with an actual break and not unemployment.

I don’t want to be writing about this. I don’t want to write about being tired and miserable and desiring a break. I know it’ll pass. It always passes. I know there are things that I can write about that are better than this, but in writing this all I feel I’m doing is beating myself up more than I should, and intentionally sinking myself further into misery. But I feel I’ve kicked my own legs out from under me and, instead of getting up I’m digging further down.

To drift like the clouds, to be directed somewhere and just float on that way… that is a dream. But it’s not an attainable one, and instead I can spend my energy thinking about what it is that I really want.

What do I really want?

I want to write better. Right now I want to write better, and I want to be more inspired. I know I can, and I know that takes time but it’s something that I can attain. I want to write less about my pain and misery, too. I keep saying that, but it is true.

Sometimes you can only write about experience, and sometimes you’re writing about experience even if you’re writing about something else. Of course that’s going to be the case, because why wouldn’t it be? We try to write about what we don’t know and often we do that through the lens our own experiences and learning provides. Sometimes we are compelled, if we find something so overpowering that it covers everything else. What do we do in those instances? We keep on writing, but we try to do something with it.

So I should be trying to do something with it.

Ages and ages ago, the last time I was dumped I wrote a thing about someone getting a bagel with cream cheese. At the time I had a bit of an obsession with that particular combination, and whilst the bit of writing was, quite frankly, crap, I still did something wi0th it. I still tried to do something with the pain and misery I was feeling. I’m not really doing that now, and I think that that’s why I feel like my writing isn’t going much of anywhere. I know there are aspects I can take and weave into something but that’s not what I’m doing, and I don’t know why.

I suspect that, perhaps, it has to do with my dreaming and wondering about where I am going and all that stuff. I suspect that the reason why I’m not doing that sort of thing is that part of me has moved on and is having difficulty reincorporating that kind of thing. I don’t know. But that isn’t a reason to give up.

If I gave up on looking for a better job I wouldn’t be where I am now. It took a lot of time and effort, and it took a lot of work. I can get through this. I can handle having two people stop talking to me whilst I cut a third out of my life (which, to be honest, having those three gone has been great for my mental health); I can handle continuing to push on forward, looking for where the thread lies and following it to something else. It’s hard at times, though. It’s hard after having a low amount of sleep due to high anxiety, and it’s hard when I’m still uncertain about things.

But, at the same time, I have this time and so I should be making the most of it. And I can.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 16:42:53

It was a hard day, today. Ups and downs and it came through quite strongly in this bit of writing.

Written at work.