One Thousand Word Challenge 215: Today’s Writing on Trying to Create

Posted on April 10, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Alright, so what now? What do I write now that I’m already tapped out for this morning? I was considering crapping on about music, but I feel an urge to churn out more words about nothing, knowing that it’s a great risk to my mental state at the moment. I was thinking about doing the healthier option and instead I chose filth. I chose pain.

But I’m choosing it as an easy option, or rather a familiar option, because doing this is what I currently know. I’m trying to let go, but that’s hard, but I am trying. I am hoping. I don’t know what the fuck is going on at the moment and everything is in turmoil, but I’m still alive and I’m still trying to survive so… there’s always a chance for things to improve.

For now, however, it’s spinning the wheels trying to find the ground whilst the car incessantly flips without actually hitting anything. A car crash in slow motion, though the crash has passed and the car is still moving. Need it to land on its wheels, need everyone to be okay, and need to make sure that I come out of it and keep on going once the damage has been assessed. Need to improve and all that.

Well, that was pretty dramatic.

I think that writing is probably the best thing I’m best at, as evidenced by this sentence alone. But really, I am a stronger writer than I am drawer, musician and photographer, and perhaps it is why I don’t have an issue with dropping photography. Writing does not make me feel alive in the same way that music does, but I am better at it. I am better at putting words together in a way that makes sense than I am at creating sound and combining it in a way that makes sense. Sometimes that’s just the way things go, really. But I do love music, and I don’t know if I could ever let it go. There’s too much if it to explore out there, and it’s all rich and fertile land, and there’s so many ideas that I have that I desire to work on and create, and do all of those things. You know how it is.

I also know how it is.

So with that said, why do I write the way I write? How is it that I’ve come to a space where how I write is the way I write, and I feel that this is the most acceptable way of writing? Actually, now that I think about it I know. It’s in part due to the process of picking the pen back up after the previous ex dumped me. It came through from there, and I eventually decided that rambling was the way to go.

I look at the stuff that I write that I edit, and that’s always much better. That has more to say with less words (*sometimes) and gets things across that aren’t just “Yeah I’ve said this before and I’m saying it again”. That’s something that I can be happy about, I guess. Or rather, I can be content with, even if I’m not satisfied with the work that I produce after a few days of sharing it.

I think about writing a lot, and I think about processes. I think about how the wheels are spinning and the car is off the ground, and I’m wondering if I’ll actually be able to find any success one day. I don’t know, and I’m worried. Maybe I should drop writing. Maybe I should just drop everything that I love and find something else. Success shouldn’t be the pursuit, but it’d be nice to have. It’d be nice to not have to worry about where money is coming from, but them’s the breaks and perhaps I’ll be pumping them one day. I don’t know.

Maybe I should just publish a book. Write the greatest crap thing that has ever been written. Wonder how far that would get me. Probably not very far. But maybe. The main issue is, whilst it would be sincere, it probably would come off as cynical and then beyond that, I’d be aiming to intentionally write crap. The best crap comes form a place of legitimate desire to create something honest; with heart, and even if it’s being enjoyed  despite the intent, I can respect that because someone tried. Maybe a team tried, and they failed, but they made something genuine. They made something with heart, and that goes a long way.

So sometimes I enjoy bad works, but I don’t enjoy them when they feel cynical. I don’t enjoy them when they feel designed to be bad. Of course some of those kinds of works can be pretty good; sometimes they have heart, but it’s not the same as having a group of people who tried to make something good and failed, due to whatever reasons. I have respect for works that tried and failed, though of course that also depends on the intent of the work. Some intend to be hateful, and that’s not my cup of tea, to be honest.

So I’m not sure if I could make an intentionally bad work that was enjoyable, but I also know that I’m not certain I could make a good work. Certainly could try, however. What’s the worst that happens? I don’t succeed.

Really though, it’d be nice to have some success with my writing, and that doesn’t happen, but I still love writing. I love the process, even when it’s frustrating and I love getting words together in an order that says something about something. I also love the meaningless and perhaps I revel in it far too much, but there’s not always telling with these sorts of things.

Well, I’ve a few more words to consume. Thought I’d have ended it already, but I was wrong.

So… yeah. That’s today’s writing on trying to create.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 12:55:95

Decent speed. Sort of meandered a bit, went here and there. It’s a bit of a compressed journey this one, I think.

Written at work.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1481: Didn’t Pan Out

Posted on April 10, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Alright, so yesterday’s plan didn’t pan out, and that’s mostly due to being absolutely wrecked by the time I got home. I’m mentioning it now, even though I’m not writing about it for the rest of this rambling because I feel like I have to, for some reason.

Trying again today.

Could give up and stop writing, but trying again today. Trying to power through. Going to see if I can achieve what I set out to do yesterday. If I do, I’ll write about it. If I don’t, I will try again tomorrow. However, I need to try and make sure there’s differentiation among all the things and that sort of thing. So maybe it won’t happen and maybe it will. I can certainly put barriers up, but I also need to be able to take them down, or rather I need to be willing to take them down.

I wonder how  many people have read this space. I wonder as to how many lives have come and gone over the years. It’s not necessarily something worth thinking about too much, but I do. I think about it and I think about everything and nothing. I wonder if anyone who has read any of the crap I’ve written has gotten something for the better out of all of it. Don’t know, but I can certainly try.

Things are approaching fast, and I’m not talking about the potential homelessness this time. I’m talking about a particular day where I’m going to announce a particular thing, and I don’t have much of it planned out, but it will reveal itself over time… or something. You get the idea.

So despite my feeling like shit at the moment, I have at least some exciting things coming up, and that’s pretty good. There is some sadness among it, and definitely some hesitation and anxiety, but this will be a good thing for me, and will also add to an increasingly overwhelming sense of relief.

It’s also going to push me into a highly productive period of time and there’s a good chance I’ll burn out by the end of it, but there are goals and targets and all those things and It’ll be good for me in the end.

So… yeah. What else do I have to say? What else can I say right now? I mean, there are plenty of things of course, but there’s always plenty of things. There’s rarely an end to what can be said and done, even if someone repeats themselves over and over for what seems like an eternity. Just need to get off the track at some point and go from there. If unable to, then see if the track can be redirected so other things start coming in.

I feel like shit at the moment, but there’s a lot of wonder out there. There’s plenty of life left to live, and I’m trying to get back to living it. It just might take some time.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:15:34

Not what I was expecting, to be honest. Bit of stretching, but I’ve hinted at something big coming, or rather small, or big in a small way, and so on, and I think that came across clearly enough.

Written at work.

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One Thousand Word Challenge 214: Wednesday Rambling

Posted on April 9, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Setting myself a goal today. Not how I wanted to start this bit of writing, but am starting it by announcing this. Not going to say what the goal is, but if I’m successful, the results will be visible here.

It’s good to set goals and targets, of course, but I’m wondering if I’m doing it because I want to, or if I’m doing it because I’m trying to avoid pain and hurt. A lot of things I wonder all the time, and being dumped hasn’t changed that. Has changed what I’m wondering about though, of course. Why wouldn’t it?

So… here we are. Here I am. As is a regularity at the moment, sitting in a quiet room. Sitting in a space where silence rules, but there’s background noise, but it’s distant. Sitting in a space where I’m alone, and feeling no more and less than I recently have been. I’ll survive. I’m fine with being alone. I can tolerate it. I don’t mind.

Waiting to hear back about two jobs. One buys me more freedom, and the other buys me more time. Very close to the edge and I really don’t like it. Still, I have to keep on going. Have to keep on trying and pushing on. Maybe success will be sooner, rather than later. I don’t know. I do know that there will be a lot of hard drives coming up if I don’t have a job within the next few weeks, but that’s the way it has to be, sometimes. Sometimes there is no choice, so I keep on driving. I keep on going.

Of course, if I do have to go, it is another opportunity. I have one stop in mind that I’d make as I make my way south, into another state, to have some comfort. It’s a spot I’ve wanted to visit for a number of years and have never gotten around to doing so, so if I have the chance, I’m going to take the chance. What else am I going to do?

I think that this might be the most difficult time of my life so far, and I’m hoping it’s just the most difficult time of my life, ever. I’m hoping that things don’t continue to get worse. OF course it’s easy to say that things will get better eventually, but there’s a lot of relying on other people to make decisions that help you survive and succeed. You can influence and work to turn things around as much as you like, but you still rely on other people. I think that that’s something interesting. It’s not something we think about much; we are willing to assume that our own success is our own, or related to a group of people who supported us. We often aren’t willing to think about how much of our success relies on people we don’t know.

Currently, I’m relying on people I don’t know. My friends have supported me and it has been great, but they can’t ensure I get another job. They can’t guarantee my safety and comfort, and that’s fine by me. They’ve helped me out immensely, and that’s great. I’m forever appreciative of it.

I’m not appreciative of being kicked by my ex instead of them supporting me when I need them the most. That’s a bitter and angry thing to say, I know, but I think about the relationship, and – not ignoring the issues I caused – I think about how much I put into it in regards to support, and how much of it has not been returned. I think about the good times, and I have difficulty remembering them, and maybe that’s in part due to realising just how tired and burned out I was before getting dumped. I don’t know if I want to hope for a change in the situation, because it’d require a lot of work on both our parts, but it’d would especially require a lot of change on her end, and from my view, it seems that I’m handling getting dumped better than she’s handling dumping me.

I don’t know if I want her in my life ever again, because so much of the relationship required me to bring things up and cross bridges, and I don’t know if I can be with someone who met me halfway far less than I feel they should have.

Right now I’m single, and I’m sitting in a quiet room, and I feel like shit and it sucks. It sucks that I’m quite possibly going to be homeless soon. It sucks that I don’t know what’s happening in a few weeks. I’m tired, but I’m not tired as I was in February, or the start of March, or January, or the way I have been for a few years now. I’m not tired in the way that I have been which has hampered my ability to do much of anything, and that’s in part due to my not giving so much of myself to someone who I felt wasn’t reciprocating anywhere near as much. But that’s only the way I view it. I don’t know how she sees it, and I don’t know if she has accepted how her actions have impacted me.

I do feel awful for my causing issues in the relationship, because she was hurt. I know things can be worked on, but she doesn’t want to, and so now I face driving off into comfort and continuing uncertainty. I’ll stop off at that one location I want to stop off at, and I’ll go to the sea, too. I’ll go and I’ll stop and I’ll look. I’ll reflect, and think about what lies ahead. I’ll keep on searching and exploring, and maybe I’ll come out okay.

To be honest, I’m scared. All that well-wishing stuff isn’t helpful. But I have no choice but to keep going, because, for me, giving up right now won’t help. Only pressing on will provide a chance.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 14:49:50

Decent speed, and mostly pretty flowy. Was getting into reflection here, I guess. Perhaps more bitterness than I’d have liked to have expressed. It’s a really tough time.

Written at work.

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Himuro Yoshiteru: I Wanted a New Life

Posted on April 9, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

One listen.

I had ideas going into this one, and I’m not sure if I properly realised them. That’s fine, however, as I still capture the song, or at least was getting to a point where I was getting across something about it quite well.

Himuro Yoshiteru’s “I Wanted a New Life” is from The Sea You Never Know. The release was part of Ian Urbina’s The Outlaw Ocean project, which has attracted some controversy.

Interestingly enough, when I was going through the releases, having found out that Senyawa had contributed to the project, I’d noticed that Ian Urbina’s name was listed on most, if not all of them. I began to suspect some issues and was considering writing about it in full (I tried to hint about them, or at least attract attention to them here). Decided not to. Then Pitchfork wrote about the project. They stole my thoughts!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

—

It’s the sound of water. It’s the sound of waves. Lapping at something, rolling gently, as synth comes in carrying upon it destination and hope. Looping and a ring, then a voice comes in. It talks about experience and is rendered dramatic, and yet it is quite matter-of-fact.

Sounds go, that ringing continues with some others, then waves return, and movement. Suddenly the song comes into fuller view.

Percussion strikes away whilst ringing and keys move around it, being passed on by. It’s steady, dramatic, and forward moving.

A shift where the sounds seem to move in waves themselves, almost back-and-forth with determination. They pull back, allow more space. Soon the beat picks back up, or at least feels like it does whilst various sounds here and there flicker and flutter, and it’s tense and dangerous.

There’s a conclusion as beat pulls away, minimises, and the violence and danger is gone, but the conclusion is unclear. Voice returns, speaks a passage, and then water washes it all away and the song ends.

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Yoko Shimomura: Dearly Beloved

Posted on April 9, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Two listens for this one.

A rather iconic piece of music, especially for a particular age group that was into gaming in the early aughts. Certainly iconic to me, too. Tried to avoid that, and I think I did. Tried to get across the emotive aspect, and kind of didn’t.

Yoko Shimomura’s (下村陽子) “Dearly Beloved” is from Kingdom Hearts Original Soundtrack, the soundtrack for Kingdom Hearts. It’s also from (among many other releases), Kingdom Hearts Original Soundtrack COMPLETE.

I hope you enjoy.

—

Keys ringing out peacefully, emotively. They play on gentle steps, a flicker here and there. Underneath something almost choral rises with, and more keys play with space, touching brief moments of memory whilst supporting and expanding upon the main melody.

There’s hope in this, and something magical, perhaps, but there’s also something sad. Maybe wistful, maybe longing. Maybe about what is lost as one moves forward. It is difficult to tell. But it carries familiarity and comfort, and it seems to look for something poignant.

There’s minimalism at play, and fragility, and it all rings out into space, and gradually it fades out, but it continues to linger after the song ends.

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Long Trails

Posted on April 9, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

This photo was taken around the same time as these two. Somewhat similar to the former, and very similar to the latter. However, I feel it offers enough to feel different, as it feels like it sits roughly between in terms of taking elements from both.

Was taken before the other two though.

I think that what comes through here are themes of loneliness among companionship, isolation, space, quiet. A sense of the journey to somewhere, or perhaps just moving because it’s all that can be done. Emptiness, or perhaps feeling everything in an overwhelming space.

This is my submission into Leanne Cole‘s “Monochrome Madness” for this week. The next one is hosted by Dawn of The Day After, and she has chosen the theme of “Spring Time”.

This challenge is open to all, and I recommend joining in. If want to, check out more information about it here, and include the tag “monochrome-madness” when you share your photo. If you’d prefer not to join in, then at the least check out Leanne’s photography, and what other people submit.

I hope you enjoy.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1480: Miniature Crunch

Posted on April 9, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Kind of doing a miniature crunch this morning. Trying to compact things into this space so I can get on with the getting on and work on other things later today. Really, I could just choose to not write anything and not try and do as much as possible in as little amount of time as possible, but I don’;t operate that way and am refusing to operate in a healthier manner. Funny how that seems to always pan out.

So it’s a bit of a crunch. I’m crunching; I’m getting on the crunch. Tomorrow I’ll be getting on the bus, reading on the bus, and subsequently reading on the train. However, right now I’m just doing me a bit of a crunch.

You know, doing this isn’t actually that fun. But I’ll get through it. It’s not exciting but it’s what it’s, and that’s what I’ll be going through for now. For now.

For now…

So… yeah. Just hit the wall. Trying to avoid the spiral, but it begs me. It tries to entice me back in. Stay away! Stay away from me, you series of thoughts that lead to more sadness. I need not that right now; I need to write! I need to express myself in the way that I see most fit and most valuable. I need to put text to space and throw it over the precipice and into the grand abyss, never to be seen again… unless the abyss decides to throw it back at me, and there have been times when that has happened.

I’m wondering and I’m feeling things out. Not much time left until homelessness. Cutting it close. Waiting to see what happens, if anything does indeed happen. Maybe nothing will happen. Maybe everything will happen.

Maybe I’m just rambling.

See? Those thoughts are now coming in. They’re finding their way through the cracks of my defending posture, and I don’t know if I can allow this to continue, but there is no choice. It’s too late, and they’re here. What do I do now? How do I cope? Oh, woe is me!

But seriously, I do need money and if you’re able and willing to, I request your financial assistance, especially if you’ve been willing to keep following. Survival should not be dependent on income, but I live in Sydney and Sydney is incredibly expensive.

Well, with that little bit out of the way, I go back to resisting. Looking at these plants in this room, wondering how they’re surviving. One doesn’t look like it’s doing well, but it might just be the way the leaves sit. I don’t know. Will probably never know. Not much time left to know and learn, really. Have other things that I need to take care of, so those other things will be taken care of as they come to me. Not going to them… though I am.

Well, the crunch continues and goes on, and soon it’ll be work time. Before then, crunch.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:36:21

Good speed. Bit of a mess, but it was satisfying to write. Just had to force myself a bit.

Written at work.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1479: Sometimes Things do Change

Posted on April 8, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

I was writing this thing about how  sad and stressed I was, and now I’ve scrapped it. I feel like shit right now, but I don’t want to write about that. I don’t want to write about the absolute drain I’ve felt over the last few years. I don’t want to write about the lack of support I’ve felt, as well as my own neglect. I don’t want to.

What I want to write about is the future and where my life is going, and I want to reach out and express something meaningful. Little changes around here, yet I keep on trying. I keep on persevering.

Sometimes things do come along and sometimes things do change, but you need to work on it and so on and so forth, and once more I’m in an empty room and I’m listening to what I’m listening to and all should be good, but in my heart lies hurt, and it’s going to take a long time before it goes. It’s going to take a long time before I’m comfortable again.

Having to be prepared to refurnish a whole house is… not fun, to say the least. I’m not wanting to go through this, but I might have to. If so, so be it. That’s the way it goes and I’ll keep going with that if I have to. Rather not, but might just.

But I don’t want to be writing about this. I can see outside and it looks like it’s raining, but it’s not. I want to write about that. I want to write about the low noise that I can hear. I want to write tales and stories, and I want to explore a vast world that lies ahead.

Actually, I think it is raining outside.

So I want to write and explore, and I used to have dreams and desires, and I still do, but so much of it has been pushed away for survival. It’s all changed, and not in ways that I’d have hoped. How am I successful? In what aspects am I successful? Does it even matter? I don’t know. Do I care? I don’t know.

This is all changing for the cynical, and I don’t want it. I don’t want this kind of despairing about shit in my life. I want to go drive a long, long distance, and see where everything lies. I want to be able to keep on going and push onward, and come back and feel okay and safe, and all of those things. I just want to dream and see it become a reality.

What I want write now, or at least something I really want right now, is just to see another day. See tomorrow and wake up and know that I’ll be okay. Know that I won’t have to worry about being homeless. I have to wonder how many people out there feel the same way. I wonder how many just want to have some comfort again.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 05:34:80

It’s all waves. Might feel better this afternoon. Don’t know. Don’t care much.

Written at work.

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One Thousand Word Challenge 213: To Persevere

Posted on April 7, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Sometimes I do wonder if I still have it in me to keep going. To persevere through all of this life stuff. I mean, I’m sure I do, but sometimes I really wonder.

How have I gone on for as long as I have? How have I been able to survive and keep on going? How have I been able to tolerate struggling for so much of my life and keep pursuing comfort and success?

I don’t like being alone, but I am fine with it. I don’t mind it, even if I don;t like it. It doesn’t bother me too much. I think that;s part of why I’m handling being dumped better than I did last time. But I can deal with being alone. I’ve spent a lot of time in the relationship alone. But to want to be with someone that I love and being unable to, despite all the problems there are; that’s what hurts.

Somehow I’m still going, though I say that as though it’s some dramatic revelation. The fact is, right now I don’t have much of a choice. I still have to get another job and not be homeless. My writing doesn’t make me money and neither does my photography, so what choice do I have other than to keep on going? To survive? To keep on struggling, and not really being able to deal with stuff that I really need to deal with at the moment?

Too many questions and not enough life right now, but it is something I’m going to have to keep on doing. I have to.

So I sit here in this empty room and I enjoy the quiet. I’m listening to Mariah Carey’s Butterfly, and it’s a great album, and it’s definitely of its era, too. But it’s beautiful and painful, and it’s not hitting me the way that I hoped it might. Not that I was looking to feel hurt – already am feeling that enough – but I’d heard about it being a sad album, and it is, but it’s also quite uplifting in a way. It’s very romantic in parts, I find. It’s nice enough.

So I’m in this empty room and it’s quiet and I’m listening to this music, and I’m trying to work out how I keep on going with things. I’m trying to work out how it is that I seem to be coping better with getting dumped than the person who dumped me. I don’t get it. I don’t understand. I’m not the fastest person in the world, anyway.

I’m having to rebuild my life once again, and I’m doing it in my thirties, and sure, that’s still young. There’s still many years left in me, but I feel tired, and I don’;t want to keep on doing this romance rodeo thing. I don’t know if I have the energy to give myself to someone else, and I know I know; early days. I get that. But I really don’t feel it, because I gave so much of myself, and felt I had to be emotionally and mentally strong enough nearly constantly for two people; for years, and I know that I don’t want to do that again. But of course you never know what will happen in the future, and it’d be wrong for me to swear off it completely, but I really don’t want to.

I do want to work on myself, and I want to think about things. I want to write more fictional stuff, and not this “dear diary” thing I’ve got going on right now. Most of my writing is more of the personal in some manner, of course, but this is getting a bit too much for me. I need space from it, but I have to keep writing as I’m preparing myself for something bit and I want to make sure that I cover it as best as I can. A lot of work and a lot of exercise it will require, and maybe at the end of it I’ll have written something worthwhile.

Most writing is worthwhile, really, but this is a certain kind of worthwhile that I’m trying to find and lock down. If I can do that, then I can do anything.

Or at least say I wrote something I can stand behind that’s not necessarily related to music or gaming or film. But we’ll see.

So I’m sitting here in this room and my lunch is nearly over, but I’m getting there. I’m taking small steps and working my way on up to something bigger. Well, maybe not bigger, but something that at least puts me in a better place. A lot of hope and a lot of trying. A lot of failing and a lot of getting back up, but I still wonder how I’ve managed to keep on going. How I’ve managed to keep on surviving. Dogged perseverance, really.

Some days I feel like I’ll get somewhere; like my writing will be successful and read by many. Some days I feel as though nothing will stop me. Others I struggle to press a few keys. I keep on going though. I keep on writing, and that’s something that seems to have never left me, and for that I am grateful.

I’m grateful that it stays around stronger than my music and my drawing, and my photography. It’s something that I can always return to, though I wish I were better at crystalising thoughts and making them clear and coherent. It’s all part of why I continue though, I guess.

And everyone should be able to express themselves in a way that’s healthy, too. It can be hard to do so at times, but we should be allowed. It is our right to create and do so in a way that helps us feel better. Sometimes it doesn’t, but regardless, we should still be allowed. We should be allowed to keep on growing and, hopefully, find some success along the way.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 12:48:84

Don’t know what to make of this. Good speed, but it’s a bit all over the place. Also focused, however.

Written at work.

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Lines of Decay

Posted on April 7, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

I’ve been saving this photo for something, but that something might not happen now and so I’m sharing it here.

This is part of a boat. I’ve shared photos of it before, but not this part of it… I think. I find it interesting, and I find its decay interesting, hence the sharing.

I hope you enjoy.

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