Alright, so now I’m here. I’ve made it this far. This is good; I don’t have much longer to go.
This one is going to be long and dull, but that’s not that different from usual, so do what you wish with that bit of information. I care not what happens from here. I only want to go over there and do the thing that needs doing. Then I want to go elsewhere and lie down in bed.
I’m bemoaning my fate and cursing the heavens. I don’t want to accept that it was myself who put me in this situation. I want to think about other things and pass the proverbial buck. I want to look elsewhere and see what it is that I can see in the way that I see it, assuming that I see things in a completely different way to everyone else. For myself to think that with honesty might be folly, but perhaps one day I will think that and then… well, whatever comes next comes next, really.
So what do I do from here? I’m already part of the way into this doing sixty minutes of creation and up to the third bit and I feel as though I’m doing better for time than I originally thought I’d do, so that’s something. That’s better than very little, but perhaps not as good as a lot, or so one might think.
Anyway, I think I’ve covered the basics. This really is a struggle at this point, but perhaps it is a struggle only due to my feeling as though it is a struggle. Perhaps in truth this is not that bad and I’m only convincing myself that this is a struggle that I’m struggling with, and perhaps truthfully it’s not that bad at all.
There is every single chance that I am merely just building a wall and then crying out that there is a wall in the way. That is something that I cannot ignore and probably won’t ignore as there is a good chance that I do indeed like sabotage of the self.
If that is indeed the case, then maybe, just maybe, there is an explanation in there as to why I struggle so often with writing outside of a small box. However, it would only be a small part of the issue and there would be plenty more of it that I would need to consider.
Another thing that I would need to consider is the fact that I allow myself to get distracted; something of which just happened. I’m already losing track of what it is that I’ve set out to do and so I’m already losing more time than perhaps I should be losing. Now I’m into recovery mode, so I hope that I get there. I hope that I can pull back and start making good time on this writing, then the next. Maybe I can; maybe I cannot. This is all a bit of a fun little challenge that I’m doing for myself, and of course there are challenges within challenges here. If I can get to the end, then of course I am happy. If I don’t, then I will still accept that perhaps the challenge was just worth it. I need to keep on fighting my urges to stop, however. This is going to be the most difficult of things when it comes to this, but maybe I can do it. Maybe I can keep on punching on and get to the end and all of that other stuff.
I think it is a good idea to think about what it is that I allow to hold myself back, then try to work out whether those things that are holding me back are legitimate things or not. Technically they all would be legitimate to some degree, but when I talk about legitimacy here, I mean things that I am subconsciously setting up as barriers for no discernible reason verses things that actually are barriers that prevent me from doing the things that I want to do. There are differences and those are also things that I need to work out.
There are a lot of thigs that I need to work out.
When I set out to start this little challenge of mine I was hoping for writing of the less grounded variety, and yet, unsurprisingly, I’ve ended up writing about myself once more. This should come as no surprise at this stage, but I can’t help but feel as though once more I’ve sabotaged myself. Still, it is a form of creation and it is a form of creation which I can embrace and so I continue to do this in the hopes that it helps hone the craft known as writing; a craft that I readily engage in due to how enjoyable and satisfying it is to engage in, so yeah.
So, with all of that being said, I shall continue on and keep on hoping. I think I can do this and of course I hope I can do this. I keep on keeping on and punching away as that is what I do. There are other things that I do, but right now this is what I do and I will keep on doing it so that I can get it done. Then I will do the next thing and that is already implied, so I don’t know as to why I’m saying that.
There probably are better things that I could say, but they’re not coming forward and so I’m left with whatever it is that I’m trying to get across at the present moment. Maybe it is due to feeling the pressure of time, but I still think I can get there. Is till think that I can get to the end of this, so I’ll keep on going and keep on typing away and then we’ll see as to what comes from all of this mess creation.
The time it took to write one thousand words: 11:08:50
Fast and messy. Once more a bit too much repetition, I feel.
Written at home.