And so once more I sit here and I wait for the sweat to happen and it certainly does happen. It is pouring out of me but I battle through it and I need to battle through it in order to think about what I’m writing about, though really I don’t need to do much of that as I’m… anyway…
So I’m planning on writing a little longer than I recently have and I plan to keep it up for a while but I need to dig into things. I need to dig into who I am but there is no journey here. There is no adventure of discover as all there is has already been and so I’m just reaffirming what I already know. That said, there is the chance that I might uncover something and in uncovering something then I guess I’d have to change this whole bit of writing into something else.
That’s not something that I want to happen.
If I am to prevent that then what I must do is sit here and keep on sweating and let the sweat get to me. That also is something I don’t want to do so I can only wonder if it is possible for me to split into two and deal with the issue that way. The whole thing will resolve itself and then I will have more time on my hands and in having more time on my hands I can get on with some other things and all that other stuff. You get the idea.
This heat is not the worst heat I’ve experienced. This is not that bad and yet it seems to pull the energy right out of me. It beckons and manipulates and I am here, limp and insipid and trying to push my way through a tunnel that is yet to form. Still, I must persist as there still remain many an hour in the day and so I need to get through it all and get to the end of it so as to be able to and so on and so forth for the nth time.
Still, it’s not pleasant. Not the worst; not the best. It could be much worse and it has been much worse so for that I am thankful.
Once more I’m trying to think about things and maybe the issue is not so much that I need to think of things so much as it is that I’m trying to think instead of thinking. I’m putting a barrier up and that barrier doesn’t need to be there, then I’m trying to work out how to get around the barrier. Of course you could argue that this is a good form of exercise but right now it does not serve me well. Still, it is a mode of functioning and it is a mode that I’ve made use of far too much and so maybe it is time to tear it down.
Like many things that I need to tear down this also is one and so I should start working at doing so. Maybe what I should be doing is chipping away and seeing if I can make it a gradual thing, or even reshape it entirely. I could get around it that way, but I also need to beat the heat and that is something that I cannot just beat that easily, though maybe I can. Maybe if I put my mind to it I can get around that too and if I can do so, then perhaps I am set. Perhaps I am ready to conquer all and then rise to the challenge and rise to the occasion and from there I will finally take off and reach for that which I delude myself into believing is rightfully mine. I think.
Then again I could just get on with reading the things that I want to read and forget about all of this fanciful delusion and just get on with the getting on. I could just also stay here and complain about the heat and not go anywhere with anything and that too would certainly be a decision.
Where was I going with this?
So I think that now that there is a bit of of a breeze the day might find itself settling down a bit and that’s nice. I prefer it when it gets cooler and I’m just complaining now but I think that in doing this I’m buying some time and I need some time so as to get a lot of time and with a lot of time I will get all the time so then I can work out what is being said here.
That all said I think that perhaps this is just about the act of writing; at least, that is what I am claiming and so I hope that claim sticks. If it doesn’t, then, well, I guess I could say that this is actually about self-sabotage as in a way it is. Of course it can be about many things and none of them really matter but that doesn’t matter.
Now I’m trying to work out what matters here.
When I started writing this I was hoping for something a bit more introspective and a bit less rambling but that’s not what I got. In a way that’s on me, and I guess all of it is on me, really. What can I do about this, other than sit here and accept that this is what came out? I guess I could do a lot but now it is too far into the writing to turn things around, but I’m fine with that. It’s a process of learning and exploring and growing and hoping that you get better, though some people are happy to not and that’s fine. There’s a lot to get from writing and there’s a lot to get from really digging into one’s sense of self.
Still prefer less heat.
The time it took to write one thousand words: 11:49:37
This was a struggle mostly to fatigue. That said, I don’t think this would’ve been improved by writing with more energy in me.
Written at home.