Right now I have to force myself to write. I have the desire, but I don’t want to, but I need to force myself. Tried to do so yesterday, in consuming heat. Couldn’t, but had to keep routine going so still got a photo up. Gotta write now, because if I don’t then I won’t keep applying for jobs. It’s a tough time to stick to routine, but I have to.

Other than the heat, let myself cry a little. That was the rest of the day gone. Have to keep going.

So I’m at work and I’m sitting here in the quiet, preparing to run around and get things set up and all that stuff. Preparing to throw myself into whatever may come, but I need to just push on a bit more. Just need to get to the end of the day and then go from there. Keep going, keep getting through it all. You know, all those things that keep me going. So long as I do, I’ll get through it.

To be clear, I’m not trying to run. I’m letting the hurt hurt, but I’m also recognising that I do not have the time to be unable to do anything. Once I have some stability back, then I can collapse and do nothing for a few weeks. Then I can cry, because at least I’ll have a job and I can still do that. I can still get through work and the need for shopping and everything else that’s key to survival, and I can do not much, if anything of anything else and rest. But for now it’s just letting the hurt hurt and pushing on to another job before my contract ends, and it’s doing my best to stick to routine to keep myself going.

All these things are tough, and writing this is also tough. I have the inclination to write, but I don’t want to. I have the need to keep working toward writing something good, and seeing where the mind leads and all of those things. I have the desire to paint the sky and the feel of wind, and how flowers smell in a young spring. I want to find ways of capturing the feeling of being inside during the rain, knowing that the smell of hot pavement and road rises, and how it seems to be awful and reassuring at the same time, but being away from it nonetheless. And all of those other things.

But it’s hard. I need to keep going and I will keep going, and I’ll force myself to write. I’ve been through worse. Definitely been through better, but I have an idea of what’s going on and I’m trying to make sense of it all, but more importantly I’m prioritising my need to keep going for the time being. I’m walking along a pathway and I’m gonna keep walking, and when I need to rest I’ll put down the seat and watch the stars.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:16:67

A bit slow and a bit more rambling than I’d like right now.
Also very much what I don’t want to be writing, but it’s what’s coming out from what I’m forcing, so it’s what is here.

Written at work.