Sitting here among wreckage and ruin and all that stuff, and the throes of emotion and all the shit that comes with it. Trying to stay afloat. Getting close to the point where that will be it and that will be all, and then with no money I need to try and get all my stuff to another state for a room I can crash in for a couple of weeks. It’s a rough time.

I’m trying to apply for jobs, but the energy just isn’t there. I don’t have the energy, and I feel I don’t have the time. I’m tired. I’m drained. I’m living with someone who doesn’t want to be with me and I can’t afford to move, and I’m really tired. I’m really over it all, and I don’t want to be doing this anymore.

Tonight I’ll be heading into The Blue Mountains, and possibly beyond. I don’t know what is going to happen other than a trip, and I hope it’s a decent one, but I don’t know. I don’t know if it will be. There’s probably going to be a lot of pain in it, but there’s only one way to find out. Should I be staying at home and applying for more jobs? Yes, but I also need to get out of Sydney and try and get some cleaner air, and feel it and feel better about stuff.

Well, maybe not feel better, but at least try and keep moving. Just have my thoughts and drive on, and get to where I feel I must, and all of those other things that sound good when you’re in that post-dump hurt.

Where do I go from here? What am I saying with this? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t know how I’m going about doing it. I just want to have some stability. I don’t want to have to keep getting kicked down and getting back up. I don’t want to have people check out when I’m going through shit instead of being by my side. I don’t want to have to keep struggling, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of this continuing going through it all. When do I get my turn to relax and fully enjoy life without having to keep one eye on my surroundings?

There were problems on both sides. Always are, really. And I probably am being too pushy about things. I don’t imagine that helps. But I’ve tried to discuss, and I ask about the issues on her end and she tells me, and I try to explain and understand and she asks if I’m trying to counter, and I’m not. But then I tell her about the issues on mine and she starts doing the same, and it’s clear, I feel, that she’s very against the idea of considering the other side, and there’s not much I can do about that. So I tried to talk and that’s that, really.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:43:45

More bad writing, and a bit slower than I hoped.

Written at work.