Trying to get back onto the horse. Have some energy right now, so making use of it whilst I can.

I had plans for this year and now it looks like I’ll have to toss them aside. Bring things forward and all that. Do I want to? No. However, there’s an unfortunately very real chance of my being homeless soon, so it might just be time to get everything done. I don’t want to be writing another year of struggling. That’s not how I want to conclude things on this space. But at the same time, maybe it will be helpful. Maybe it will get some stuff out and that’ll be that.

And that’ll be that.

Fuck me, what am I saying? Well, I guess I’m saying what I want to say. This year started off not great, but it picked up and got better, and now it’s sunk. It’s a low point, but I have energy right now and so I need to take advantage of that whilst I can.

I’m not sure what I’m doing or where I’m going, but I know that I can type and I know that if I can type I can write, and I know that I can keep on writing and work toward improvement. If I can do that, I can get more things done, and if I can get more things done… well, you know where this is going.

Some days are, naturally, going to be more difficult than others. As it is with getting dumped, I’ve lost a lot of interest in the things that I usually have interest in, and some of them already were low on the list and now there’s just nothing there. So much energy goes into pain when you want to be doing other things. Such is the way it goes, I suppose.

So I’m sitting here and I’m writing and I’m writing all of this out, and I’m trying to work out where and what, and how I feel about things and how I don’t feel about things. I’m trying to work out where I go from here, or rather how I keep going so I can get into a position where I can work out where to go from there. I don’t know about it all, and I don’t know about a lot of things. It’s all uncertain, and I’m back to a spot that I’d spent so long building up from, but that’s the way it goes sometimes.

But also, I’m too old for this now. I mean, you never are, really, but right now I am, and I was nearly free from struggle, and now I’m back to it, and it just keeps going. But I can write now and I’m doing that, so I can certainly get other things done from here. I can keep putting words together and I can keep moving through life, and I’ve no choice really as it’ll keep moving whether I want it to or not.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 05:53:27

Not great, but seemingly building back up, I think. I don’t know.

Written at work.