Easy music laps at my soul and upon the divine I stand, shaking my fist whilst looking at the precipice of failure, and shouting “I will NOT. be comforted by you!”

It’s an easy life, sometimes.

But as I spin these words into thoughts and feelings, I feel a great shift from what was leading into what is, and I’m scared and tired, and tired of being scared, and I’m just very over everything. I’m tired. I’m really tired and I need a break from it all, but that break isn’t coming for a long time. So it goes and such is the way of this life we refer to as “life”.

What can I do about this? Other than keep trying, of course. Why, I have to keep trying! and I have to do it of coursily, and verily so. But I just need a rest. I need a break from everything, and I need time to unwind and decompress. I need time to take it easy and think about how I’m going to navigate things.

When I started this job, everything was great. It was early and full of potential, but the twelve months were tough and I didn’t get much of a reprieve, and now I’m left dealing with the fallout of everything once more. I don’t want this; I want a break. I want someone else to step in for a change.

Too often it is that people are willing to leave a mess and walk away. I don’t want to have to be the one who always has to confront issues. I don’t want to always have to be the one to pick up the pieces. I especially don’t want to be doing this so close to everything going awry. But it’s what it’s, and it’s up to me to sort everything out again.

People will talk about how tough I am and how resilient I am, but I don’t want to be. I just want to collapse right now. I want to collapse in someone else’s arms and be told that it’s going to be all okay, but I keep going because, well, what choice do I have? But then I have to ask, at what point do I get my break? At what point do I get to be away from everything?

Look, at the end of it all, I’d rather have the strength to endure and persevere than not, but it’s all tiring and tough, and support is there, but from some it’s distant when it needs to not be, and I’m just over it all. But I have to keep going, because if I don’t, then the chance of success drops and I’d rather keep working toward getting stability back, even if I am barely coping.

So I won’t allow myself to be charmed by failure, because I don’t have the ability to allow it. Or rather I do, but I won’t. No safety net, but I can get through this.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 07:40:96

I know that “coursily” is not a word, but it counts here.

Bit slower than I’d hoped, but I think it turned out okay. Much heavier than I hoped also, however.

Written at work.