It has been a highly fatiguing period, and that probably has a lot to do with getting back on the bike and riding the bike and cycling and using my legs in ways they haven’t been used in a while, due to them being used in the act of cycling. On a bike.

Bike.

Last week I tried write something in under five minutes and I dropped it as it wasn’t going anywhere. Now I’m just trying to write. There are ideas floating around and I need to pluck them out of the air. I need to grab onto them and put them into a form where they are used. That said, sometimes it’s good to just let an idea float away.

Sometimes you just need to let an idea float on away, disappear. Maybe it will come back after some adventuring. Who knows. I do know that it’s not good to hold tightly onto everything. That can be a good way to see some things not get the space they need, and if they don’t they might be worse off for it. You want things to be better and not worse, unless you do want things to be worse, in which case… not sure what you’re after, to be honest.

But anyway, I’m sitting and I’m getting through my work. Soon I will be on lunch, lunching away as one does. I will be doing the thing and in doing the thing I will be feeling the land. I will be in the moment as I become one with my surroundings and turn into furniture of the most unusable variety, but that’s okay. Some furniture is ornamental. I’m sure I’ll survive, so long as no one tries to pick me up and carry me off.

But I will be in the zone, drawing as that’s what I must do at the moment. I must draw; I am compelled. I must rehearse; I am compelled. I need to keep forcing myself to write, because I need to keep on writing. I feel that if I don’t then I am allowing myself to wither away in some form. I don’t want that to happen. But sometimes these things get away from you. Sometimes you find things become a struggle, and then what? Do you give up?

I remember Henry Rollins gave up music because he didn’t have it in him anymore, and maybe that’s what I’m facing. But I still have that desire. I don’t have the drive, but I desire to write. There is so much I am yet to say, and so I need to find ways to say it, even if that means I need to struggle against the lack of drive. I need to let some ideas flourish and I need to grow some by my hand, and I need to work out which is which. I’m sure I will get there at some point. Maybe one day it’ll happen. I don’t know. These things take time.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 06:05:76

Not my best work, but if I need to force myself, I need to force myself.

Written at work.