New Year’s Eve 2013. I was listening to The Afghan Whigs’ “Crime Scene, Part One”, somewhere around the time of the tick over to 2014. I was getting a little too introspective. “What if this is all there is? What if I don’t go anywhere from here? What if there’s nothing else?” And other things that can often lead to spiraling when one isn’t doing well. My partner at the time had gone out and I chose to stay at home. I was not feeling good, and, thankfully, I didn’t take some of those feelings too far.

A couple of nights ago I was listening to The Twilight Singers’ “Dynamite Steps”. I’m getting a little too introspective. “What if this is all there is? Am I not going to go anywhere from here? I have reasons to be happy right now, but maybe this really is it”. I was thinking dark thoughts and I was not doing well. But I didn’t spiral. I didn’t think of going further, and that is a relief.

I know why listening to The Twilight Singers in that particular moment made me think of NYE  2013. I know why it took me back there, but I’m okay. I haven’t been suicidal for a good few weeks now, and that’s a relief. And I was a little too introspective, but things have changed.

Music is interesting in how we are so readily willing to allow it to soundtrack our feelings and experiences. We let it carry us and sometimes we seek it out to reinforce our own feelings. We’ll seek it out to tell us something that allows us to reaffirm, and sometimes we don’t. Sometimes it just hits us in ways we didn’t expect it to. And that’s the wonder of it.

Music can say so much about scene and place and time. It can tell us a lot about why we might seek certain feelings or sensations, and it can reveal a lot about how we might be able to step away from spiraling, or move away from feeling things, even if joyous. We can see where it takes us; we can look into it and find relation, even if a subject is not relatable. It’s part of the beauty of the art that is music. But I think I might be getting away from what I was hoping to say.

Actually, I don’t know what I was hoping to say. I do know that in these two listening experiences there are differences. I’m older and in a different situation. I’m less stressed and overwhelmed at the moment, and I’m more functional, and I’ve got things picking up for me. I’m doing okay, and doing okay is better than bad. Sure, things could be better, but they are getting better and that’s the main thing. I’m slowly improving, and some songs are still going to hit me hard. Probably will for the rest of my life.

Greg Dulli has a way with music. Some of his stuff does feel comforting, even if it isn’t. Some of it is definitely not comforting. Both “Crime Scene, Part One” and “Dynamite Steps” are heavy songs, but the latter feels a little lighter, if only just. I think about life more with the latter, and there’s a sadness in it that’s different to the former. Maybe it’s from age and weariness. I don’t know, but it speaks effectively.

Maybe this is all there is and I’m not going to go further, or at least much further than where I am now. Maybe I’ve “peaked”. Maybe I don’t have a place to be anymore; a place where roots can form, and maybe it doesn’t matter, because all I have is now, and I’m doing okay, and I will be doing better.