Approaching halfway now. Still don’t know what I’m going to say. Just know that I’m going to say it.

I have to wonder as to where I lost my way. It was probably somewhere around lockdown, I guess. Went far too hard in going continuous and doing something every day, and I imagine that that really took it out of me. That probably is what caused me to lose my way. Can’t find it now, or I can, maybe. Just, at the edge, at the fraying, and see where all of that goes and leads to. Maybe get back on track.

Maybe I just need to go for a long drive. That is possible.

Let me tell you, I am looking forward to resting my fingers at the end of all of this. They are in dire need of a break from writing, but I will still be writing. I’ll just be doing a lot less of it, or more of it, or maybe the same amount. This is yet to be determined, of course. Or it is not. I don’t know and I don’t care to know. What I do know is that I’m warming up and as I get warmer, I write faster, and as I write faster,t he writing gets worse.

So therefore I need to throw a bunch of fancy words together, like “therapeutic” and “condemnation” and then find my condiments for seasoning the whole thing and then I can eat and it will make food  a good meal… I hope.

I need to find my hats and I need to find where they have all gone, but I looked under the couch and I just don’t care anymore.

So in writing this I am aware that I am struggling quite hard. This was a silly idea and I may be regretting my decision to proceed. However, I cannot admit to that because if I do, then I will have to admit that I am wrong and that’s not something I’m wiling to do. I can never be wrong, and how can anything be wrong when we are so right  about  everything, and when I say “we”, I mean everyone and everything, and not necessarily in that order.

Perhaps I just need to skirt the surface of the deepest waters, and run alongside the fish that fly. I can go from there and find my here, and in finding that I’ll have found myself and in finding myself, I’ll have… said something that doesn’t really matter, really. But that;s okay. So long as I see waves, that’ll be okay. There are fun things out there and out there is a whole wide world and that’ll help keep me going along with earthing, So long as that does, I think I can get through the last few of these for this evening. I can do that. I can be happy with the result. I can be happy with plenty of things, really, but I can be happy with the result of the churn and burn. At least right now, I can.

I really should have started this earlier.

There’s a clock on the wall, I’m tired, I’m still going. I’m still writing as though my life depends on it, and it doesn’t and that;s okay. I can get through it all. I can get to the end of this, and then I can go to the next thing. I can find love in people; I can finish a few words off and then go to wherever, whenever, and never act like I said never…

Where was I going with this?

So anyway, I’m firmly rooted to this chair, just sitting here, doing my thing. Trying to get ore words done so I can keep going. Staring at my current partner, staring at them do their thing, and they’re staring back at me, and we’re being silly. This is a nice moment. Sure, I am working and not looking at the keyboard at the moment, but I am enjoying this. It’s just a small section of life that’s happening and that’s great. This is where pleasantness comes through, and this is where the writing happens, and the writing happening here is due to my sitting here, writing. And it’s great. It’s nice.

There are plenty of small moments in life and I think we need to pay more attention to them. I think we need to do more with the time that we have and find where all the pieces lie, and look at the small moments. They are as important as the big ones. Life is not a series of snapshots. It’s not a highlights reel. It’s a series of continuous small things blending into each other, creating a lengthy, amorphous body in life that goes everywhere and nowhere, thickens and thins and changes shape as we change perspective. It’s great that we’re afforded all of this. It’s great that we get all these things in our lives and they’re just small moments.

So, I think I’ve said all I can really say about that. That’s okay. I need to find the next thing now, but it’s starting to hurt my fingers. I need to rest a while after this week, I think. That’ll be good. Rest is always good. Rest is always necessary. However, right now it’s just all the way to the land of pain, known as pain city, and my fingers are going to hate me before I’m done. But I’m getting there and I need them to hold on for just a little longer. Just for a few more days and then I’ll be fine. I’ll be good. I’ll have made it, and then I can say “I made it”, and that’ll be nice. That’ll be good, and that’ll be that.

Well, there’s a few other things, but those won’t be for here. Those will be for elsewhere and those will then take over my life, but not nearly as intensely, I hope.

The time it took to write one thousand words: 10:54:56

Slight bit faster, also a little more coherent in places than the prior one.

Written at Killara.