Through the Mesh

Posted on October 18, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

For once, I can better explain as to why I took this photo.

The reason for my photo taking of this photo (fun word use, I know), is that I wanted to create this sort of vague view from my work window. I think I achieved that. There’s sort of a noise, static feel to this, and objects are more suggested in this photo than they are actualised, and I like that. I like suggestion more than clear statement sometimes, because you get this blur where the brain might try to make sense of what its seeing and complete the details in a way that changes how a work may feel or appear to someone.

This is my submission into the three hundred-and-sixty-ninth Lens-Artists Photo Challenge. The theme for this one is “Dreamy“.

The host of the Lens-Artists challenges cycles weekly between the following people:

Tina

Patti

Ann-Christine aka Leya

John Steiner

Sofia Alves

Anne Sandler

Egídio

Ritva

Beth

This one is curated by Leya. The next one is curated by Sofia.

I recommend joining the community and participating in the challenges. They’re pretty straightforward, allow room for interpretation, and provide a good way to think about photography in general. If not, however, then at the very least you should check out what others submit to the challenges.

I hope you enjoy.

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Heavy and Light days

Posted on October 17, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Alright, this might be a long one. Partly brought on by my desire to not move much right now as I’ve somehow hurt a muscle near my pelvic bone and I really, REALLY don’t want to be moving around all that much right now. But I’m up and awake and I’m near work, so…

anyway…

About two weeks ago I was at home. Was going to head into the office, ended up not as was pretty wrecked (can’t remember why). But as I was umming and ahhing, I saw an email from a psychologist service about the couple’s therapy booking I’d made and cancelled around six months prior. It was addressed to both my ex and I (as is the way of these things); it noted that the appointment had been cancelled, and it said something about how the service hoped we were able to work through our issues. Hard stuff so far. It then went on to say something along the lines of “If you are still having issues or want to talk about something else…” and I can’t remember the rest specifically as I’d saved a screenshot and have forgotten about it a bit, which is great, but essentially it was the business offering its services. And it was just really fucked.

So naturally I started spiraling hard from there. Went through a real roller coaster, sunk down. Beat myself into submission, you know. Started writing a suicide note because it was all too much.

Once more I was looking for work, hoping to not be unemployed. Once more I was in a living situation I did not find ideal or desirable. Once more I was being reminded of something I was working on moving away from. And then I did the stupid thing of checking social media to find that my ex had gone private in some spaces, and that sunk me further, and everything was too much and I couldn’t cope anymore.

So I wrote my suicide note, or rather a draft, and I looked over it and I felt it was really guilting, and I didn’t want anyone to blame themselves for my decision because it wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was my choice, and I was certain in my choice because, after many years of struggling and occasional relief followed by more struggling, I couldn’t do it anymore. But I didn’t want my friends and family and my ex to blame themselves, so I had to edit what I’d written. I wasn’t sure how to, but I knew I had to, and the more I did the more my decision faded away.

I went for a walk. Called Ewe, spoke to him about it. Talked a bit, and by the end of it all, I was okay. Not out of the woods, necessarily, but okay. But I felt like shit and I had to go to an exhibition launch as I was exhibiting for the first time in my life. And I forced myself to.

So I went and a bunch of people I told weren’t able to make it, which was okay, but it hurt me more. I wasn’t blaming them; I just wanted some familiarity there. But the photos I submitted looked good, and I was able to spend a good deal of time looking at the other artworks. But I was lonely and sunken.

I went to the bathroom early on, and on the back of the toilet door was a photo of a monk that, as far as I’m aware, was praying. And it was odd and a bit intense. Sent it to Ewe, he said it felt intense, we joked, but it was just odd. Humorous, but odd. But not unwelcome. And I kept going to the bathroom throughout the event as I had to keep using the toilet and get breathing space. So I had some silence, but I had this monk praying at me whilst I was pissing.

Eventually I went to leave and I found out someone was asking after me. I wanted to leave, but instead I decided to hang and speak to the person. They too are a photographer and they liked one of my photos a lot, which was one of the ones I like the most, and we talked a bit about photography and photographing gigs. Did the Instagram exchange and then I left.

I had to get to Newtown to photograph a friend’s band. I told the friend I would, and at this point I wasn’t feeling too great about it. Speaking to the photographer helped a bit and I was getting a bit lighter, but not seeing people I knew at the event didn’t help, because I think at that point I just wanted to be distracted and held. But I went on.

Told my friend about stuff, got to photographing, left when the gig ended. Headed on home.

I was feeling less shit the following day, but still pretty rough. I was off my foot due to the random injury, but I was getting on with things. But I wasn’t great. Just getting through the day.

Come the afternoon I got a call from USYD HR. Told my application for a role wasn’t proceeding, but this was fine. It wasn’t proceeding as the team I applied to was withdrawing the role due to not much time before the person being covered would return. They thought I was a strong candidate, and if another role comes up with the team, I might just be able to skip the application process. I was happy with that.

About thirty seconds after the call I received another to get my reference checks for another role… which is the one I commenced yesterday. Another temporary one, but it’s more time.

Among all of this I started seeing someone. We’re interested in each other, but we’re not interested so much in being in a relationship, and that’s fine. We’re just having this casual thing going on, and talking, and it’s great. I mention this as the exhibition ended with an artist talk last weekend and they came along, and it was just nice. I gave a talk that wasn’t as succinct as I’d have liked, but went over well, and they met some of my friends and we hung out some more, and it has been a good time. It has been a nice time.

And now I’m here at work after starting this yesterday. I’m at lunch and things feel okay. Things feel like they will be okay, and I like this. So much is uncertain, but I’m relaxed. I’m kicking on. I’m not assuming that I’m out of the woods, but right now this is a good place to be.

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Thoughts on Places

Posted on October 17, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

So I was writing yesterday and distractions and now I’m writing now. Funny how that goes. Anyway.

There are so many places that are transitional or transitory in nature. Places you go to but only stop at. You pass through them, only resting momentarily. They can be anchors, of course, but the nature of a location is only temporary, even if it is permanent.

I think that makes sense. I’m not sure. Sounds a bit arrogant, but I hope I’m getting across what I want to get across.

But yeah; places are temporary in nature. They have a permanent location and we get familiar with them, but often it is that we just pass through. We see and we understand and we navigate, but we do not lay claim to places we visit, aside from the time we are there.

So many lives move through malls and service stations, and most other urbanised locations anyone would care to name, and some of them have common residents, but so many are just passing through, even if they stop. So many lives forming memories going nowhere, creating spaces within spaces, forming amorphous bodies continuously disconnected, yet linked through the trails of snapshots of history they leave behind.

Space can mean many things. It is often thought of as place, and I think in this instance that is what I am referring to. But it is so many other things, too. It is scene, it is memory. It is expressiveness and nothingness. It is a form of guide and direction, and I know I can say these things, but I cannot expand upon them. But space is, and so is location. So is location within location. And all those other things.

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Shadowed Stare

Posted on October 16, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

This photo didn’t turn out how I hoped it would, and it’s not great, but I like the softness. I like the intensity, and it makes me think of being incredibly tired, too. Tired and stressed, perhaps.

I hope you enjoy.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1540: Thinking About Things

Posted on October 15, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

So I’m sitting here in Duoly Rob, as is the norm of my life some of the time. Can’t be all of the time; just some of the time. But that’s good. That’s fine. And I like it.

This morning I drove to work from the other side of the bridge. I’m in Duoly Rob now, sitting here, having coffee and relaxing. I don’t feel a veil has lifted, but I feel good right now.

I recently started seeing someone. It’s someone I’ve known for years, and we’re not necessarily interested in a relationship. At least, not now. We both fancy each other, and that’s nice, but we’ve our own stuff to sort out. But we’ve started seeing each other, hanging out a lot more, being better friends, and there’s romance. And it’s nice. It’s nice because, whilst I don’t need it, I feel validated in a number of ways, and it’s pleasant.

Yesterday was my last day in USYD’s Business School, and today I’m commencing a new role. It’s another temporary one, but it’s more work. More pay, which is nice.

I think I’ve mentioned this before.

I’m a bit worried about my enjoying seeing someone due to it possibly becoming a crutch. I’m worried about going into emotional turmoil again, and maybe I will. But I’m not focusing on it. I’m not thinking too much about it. I’m sure they’re the same, because they’ve been through some heavy stuff and they’ve been through it ore recently than I have. And they want to make sure they have space, and I’m happy to oblige. Hurt takes time; working out who you are after mass amounts of stress takes time. Finding your  feet takes time. So I get it, and I’m still there as their friend. It’s the best I can do, really.

So I’m sitting here, thinking about things. Thinking about how I feel very relaxed right now. About how I drove across The Sydney Harbour Bridge this morning and managed to avoid getting stuck in traffic. About how I left late from their place and drove on over, and it meant parking was a bit less available and I got to USYD later than I wanted to, but I also don’t care. I don’t care and I feel fine with it, and this is nice. This is a good feeling, because I’ve been stressed about meaningless shit for far too long. Holding on to things I need to let go of, like leaving at specific times to avoid traffic, or having enough time before I start work, and subsequently leaving too early to ensure I have that time.

Stressed about being held and holding, and comfort and meaningless conversation, and that stress just washes away, and I feel good. And all that stress doesn’t seem to matter anymore, because right now, in this moment, I am happy. I don’t know how long it’ll last, but I’m happy and I’m not concerned about if I’ll feel like shit later.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:21:10

As I was writing I had this idea that I’d write something more poignant than the result. I like this, though. It’s clunky and raw, but not intense.

Written at Dirty Red.

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Underworld: Pearl’s Girl

Posted on October 14, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

One listen.

This is a song I like quite a lot, but never wanted to write about it until this morning, I think. Decided to go in, did it, and am happy with the result. Think I struggled a bit here and there, but everything seemed to come forward easily enough.

Underworld’s “Pearl’s Girl” is from Second Toughest in the Infants.

I hope you enjoy.

—

Calm and low, and smooth. Easy and gentle, and flowing. Focus, perhaps, or just a moment coming into view, into clarity, and that seems to be the case. Things grow more distinct and a looping blip of a voice before percussion begins its steady shake and strike. Bass builds, everything disappears but the percussion remains.

That bass builds again; it throbs louder, then disappears. And so on. And the percussion changes to lower, then becomes more full again. A form is established, and now the bass remains. A new strike around it, marking more of the beat. The bass grows and shrinks and everything is heavy, and then it’s just the bass flying over like a helicopter.

And the percussion returns in fuller form, pulsing, striking, shuffling, forming shape under a start, bright sky, or what feels like light coming in. Voice comes in, describing scene. Describing form and shape and interconnection and relation. Describing a lot of things, finding a line and following it through whilst more sound behind comes in. Sound echoing in a filling space.

A change and one word loops eternally, stuck whilst everything else moves forward. It disappears and the earlier blip returns, changes shape. It is disconnected from its source, and a light crackling of a soft sound before vocals return.

All of this is intense and heavy, but it doesn’t crush; it is light and calming, and mundane, and those sounds that started everything off come in now, and it all continues on. It all continues on and doesn’t relent, but it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t hit; it washes over form and shape whilst creating it.

The vocals get stuck again and it’s just percussion, and then just vocals. Focus on the vocals before percussion returns, and the blip, and the percussion shakes and shuffles and strikes and is a punctuation of static until it becomes the sole focus again. For a few moments before those introductory sounds return, anyway. And it’s all calm, and pretty, and maybe everything has been obliterated. Maybe everything was washed away. Those sounds change, and realisation is there. Last thoughts are here, and the percussion disappears, and these sounds, clear and nearly crystalline, changing shape as light passes through them, looking at an open sky, appreciating the way light changes as dull light falls to colour and day, and the percussion returns. The percussion returns and plays underneath, gentle, suggesting, playing along as everything fades and the song ends.

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1539: They Feel Right

Posted on October 13, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

I’m sitting in Duoly Rob for the first time in a good few weeks. Think it may have been a month. Maybe longer. Yet to be determined. But I’m sitting here and things feel good. However, right now they really feel good. They feel… right.

The sun is out and people are buzzing, and I don’t mind or care. I’m not bothered by it. I don’t feel alone in a crowd. I don’t feel averse to being outside. This is nice. I like it. I still feel like shit, but I feel good. I’m enjoying this.

A good deal of luck and relief, and I’m going to write about this stuff. I know I’ve said I’m going to write about the recent downs and ups, mostly because I feel compelled to, but I am. It doesn’t matter right now. So much doesn’t matter, and it’s good.

I know I’m somewhere along a wave, but I don’t know where. I don’t know where and I don’t mind. And maybe I should be concerned about that, but I’m not.

Does it even matter? It’s good to spend time thinking about the future and where things might go, and due to my recent life upheaval, it’s probably good if I do, but we spend so much time being worried about everything. Don’t get me wrong; there’s plenty of things to be worried about. If things in terms of society and environment continue going the way they are, we’re fucked. But I’m referring to the personal, and I’ve spent so much time mired in stress and depression, and those will come back but right now I don’t care. Right now I feel I’m more ready than before to get back to living my life.

I spent eight years in a relationship I don’t regret it and now I’m getting back to living. I’ve got time to be comfortable and restless in a good way. I can’t see what lies ahead, but this is okay.

So where do I go from here? I think I’m feeling more relieved about this blog wrapping up. I think I’m feeling okay about life and where it’s going. Having space and having time is helping. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like I have time; that I have to spend so much of it feeling like shit and being paralytic, but things… things are okay. I’m fine with feeling like shit, and I think that it’s because I feel alright at the moment. I feel okay. I feel like shit, but I feel good. I’m hopeful, but not banking on hope. I’m okay to cruise for a while, even if I go back into a spiral in the next few days.

So… I guess what I’m saying is I feel good at the moment. I’m upset that I hurt my ex. She had justifiable reasons for ending the relationship, and I also did. And it doesn’t matter right now, and that’s okay. I’m okay with not worrying about what comes next.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 08:21:03

Slow and not really saying anything.

Written at Dirty Red.

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A bit of the Ring

Posted on October 12, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

Here’s a bit of the brickpit ring walk. Should’ve shot this better. Not a great photo, but a pleasant enough one.

I hope you enjoy.

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Little Pup Drinking

Posted on October 11, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

A photo of this little pup drinking.

Not much to say; I like it because it doesn’t feel posed.

I hope you enjoy.

 

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Five-Hundred Word Challenge 1538: With Possibility

Posted on October 10, 2025 by Stupidity Hole

It has been an absolutely wild eight days. Might be nine days, depending on how you count. And only wild in terms of what my life is normally like, but let me tell you, just full on. I’ve been meaning to write about it; to enshrine it all in order to try and make sense of everything, but I have not had the energy. I’m also not going to write about it in full here, because there are other things that I want to cover.

Right now my heart is aflutter with possibility, and I also have some wonderful news in my life. That news lifts the stress by a significant amount and I can get back to living life a bit more. Or at least trying to get back to living life. More feeling like shit, but less more feeling like shit and just a regular more, if that makes sense.

Right now I’m listening to “Nessun Dorma” (I know, I know), and things feel good. I’m not excited for the future, but I certainly am looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to what comes next. I’m looking forward to relaxing and a few trips, and getting back to living in a way that’s less subsistence and survival. Some comfort.

I’ve been practising bass a lot more, and more willingly, too. It has been a long time since I willingly practised, and this is good. A lot of the music I make is more rhythmic in nature and my guitar playing is also rhythmic, and I prefer to practise bass than guitar. But I still default to guitar a lot of the time. So we’ll see what happens.

I’ve been drawing more, too. Writing still is waiting for its time, and maybe I just need to give it a few more nudges. I don’t want to overburden myself – especially not right now – but things are becoming clearer. A lot of misery trudging to get hear. A lot of thoughts of suicide. A lot of pushing on and just continuing, and surviving.

I feel like survival mode finally lifted a little over a week ago. Close to two weeks, now that I think about it. I decided to do some extra prep work for some food I was making, and I did it. It took ages and I also nearly burned my fingers on oil, but it was worth it. Didn’t turn out well, but I’m still glad I did it, because it meant that I am getting through everything. I know that everything else I’ve been doing means that, but this really felt like it meant it. But so will the next thing. So will whatever comes next.

So… I’m not sure what I’m saying here. I am going to write about the past number of days, though perhaps not now. I just wanted to say that I’m doing okay. I’m doing alright. I’m surviving, and I’m also getting restless in a way that drives me to create.

The time it took to write five-hundred words: 7:21:72

Easy write for most of it. Could it be better? Yes. But I’m still happy with this one.

Written at home.

 

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